Here I am sitting in these cold chairs in a small room with my Mum and Husband by my side. A kind man was sitting opposite us, explaining what we needed to think about for our son’s funeral.
It was like I wasn’t really there. My son was gone he was gone for good. Here I am sitting in a room talking about things like what handles would go on his coffin. What flowers we would like. It seemed so clinical and stiff. My eyes were fuzzy and I could barely breathe.
The kind man then took us into a room filled with coffins. A gasp escaped from my mouth… That’s when I thought “Oh my God, this is real.” It was a sight I hope to never see again. What do you say at that moment? My husband broke the silence with the words, “I will make Titan’s coffin.” And he did. He spent two days making this beautiful coffin. I think it’s what saved him, it was his craft, he needed to do this for his son. He needed to be his Dad and make him something strong for him to rest in.
All I did was sit at my parents. It was like I was drifting in and out of a coma. Thoughts would whirl through my head. “Is this real? Am I living a nightmare?”
It was hard for my parents not to only suffer the loss of their grandchild, but to watch their daughter be in such deep grief. I remember at one point when I was howling (and I mean howling - it was this deep sound that came from within me - it was like nothing I have ever heard). I was in my childhood room, curled up on my bed, and my Dad must have heard me. He sat down and said, “Kristy, Titan was strong. He was so big, he had a presence and he was here to teach us something, he had a really strong soul…. He wanted to go Kristy, he was too good to be here, he needed to go… He was needed somewhere else”. Those words saved me.
Titan’s Grandma - my Mum - decided she would make him a bed, complete with a mattress, sheets and a pillow and a beautiful little beanie for him. She wanted to do this for her Grandson. She wanted to make sure he was comfortable and would rest in peace.
Finally the day came that we would lay our son to rest. It was like no other I have ever experienced. It was his day. There would be no 5th birthday, no 18th, no 21st, this was the one and only day he would ever have. This was it. It was his.
We went to the funeral place. Titan was there. Laying in his coffin – the coffin his dad had made. Laying on the mattress and pillow his Grandma made, with a blanket covering his little body. We kissed his cold skin and said goodbye.
We drove to the cemetery in the back of the funeral directors car, the two men dressed in suits sat in the front while my husband and I sat in the back. My husband gripped his baby son’s coffin tightly in his hands. We arrived at his place of rest and there was a sea of people. All of these people came to say goodbye to Titan. I felt this strange sense of happiness for him. So many cared, this was his day and they were there for him.
My husband and I walked down the path with his coffin in our arms. The priest (the same man who christened me) was waiting at the end of the path, dressed in a beautiful gown. He grabbed my hand and led me to my seat.
I sat down staring at this hole. I remember taking my shoes off and burying my feet in the earth, like somehow that would make me closer to him. I needed to be closer.
It was surreal - it was like I was burying him, yet he was standing beside me. He was the one that gave me the strength that day. He kept me going.
To this day my body yearns for him. Some days sounds come deep from within me - sounds of complete despair. Seven years have gone by and to this day I miss him so much.
I remind myself it was his journey. It was his choice. I know I will see him again. He is my angel in heaven. He visits me some days the wind blows, or his star twinkles and I know he is saying, “I love you Mum and I’m here”.
“I love you Titan Vallely, you were the one who gave me the best gift anyone ever could give”.
As I said in my first post, there are thousands of families that have gone through the tragic loss of a baby. Finally my son has a voice, finally he can tell HIS story. Thank you for reading…
This is a website I would recommend for anyone suffering from miscarriage, still birth neonatal and infant death: www.sands.org.au
I would like to aknowledge that Burkins Funeral Directors didn’t charge me for their services. Aaron Burkin was so kind to my family - he is one of life’s true gentlemen. It has been seven years Aaron and I have not forgotten your kindness.
78 Replies
Darling beautiful Kirsty what an inspiration you are, I have tears streaming down my face and want to hug you so tight. Thank you for sharing Titan with us, I can feel his presence in your writing. He would be so very proud of his mum. x
Nathalie, I am so glad you can hear his voice... it is his. Just me typing it... my 2 year old has been talking about his big brother all day... it's finally his time... I am so blessed!!!
I struggle to find the words to respond when I read something so moving. Only now as I mother myself can I begin to comprehend what it would be like to lose a child. I posted a few weeks back how I visited the grave of a relative who was lost to SIDS almost 20 years ago. Back then whilst feeling sad I didn't get it, but sitting by that grave not long ago I wept for that little boy and the family. Thank you for sharing your story. Am sure little Titan is somewhere guiding you. x
Thank you Jodie... your words mean a lot... this is a voice of many... so many Mum's out there have gone through this.... I received an email this morning of a young girl who lost her baby 3 weeks ago.. It was just gut wrenching to read... I am sorry for the Mother of your relative- 20 years ago this wasn't spoken about... the Mother just had to "get on with it" like it never happened... this is a healing process for me!!! - I hope this gives parents who have experienced loss a sense of not being alone...
{{hugs}} Thank you for giving us other grieving mothers a voice. You and Titan are indeed a blessing to many. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. xo
Pleasure Mabella - It is truly an honor... {{Hugs}} back to you darling xxxxx I wish I could really hug you!! feeling like I need that right now ...
wow u are just amazing i dont know if i would ever be able to be as brave as you are writing about all of this.... Thank you so much for sharing your story
Thank you Jodie for reading Jodie xxxxxxx
Kristy the funeral must have been a really tough time for you guys, an aspect I never thought about or dealt with as Noah was cremated and my mum liased with the funeral home as i was not capable of doing so. My mum had been looking after his ashes for me until recently (his third birthday) which is when I felt emotionally ready to bring them home. I cry every single time I look at the little urn but at the same time I am comforted in knowing he is still close to me and that one day when I die our remains will be together. Your husband is a very special man, I cant imagine anything more beautiful and at the same time more heartbreaking than building your sons coffin.
Ohhh Darl, reading that made me cry... I remember the day I was told you lost Noah.. I felt absolutely shattered... I remember the phone call you made to me.. I remember your heartbreak......... our little boys are together Mellisa... they are together and we are blessed they chose us... xxxx
Wow. What a beautifully written and heartbreaking post. Thank you so much for sharing. Have goosebumps x
Thank you for reading Mrs Woog xxxxx
*speechless* I feel like anything I say is pointless. Empty. But sharing your story I KNOW makes the rest of us grateful for our children, and guilty for complaining about them!
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you Alyce... Please don't feel guilty... that is a feeling that I don't want anyone on here to feel.... thank you for reading Alyce it means so much xxxx
Kristy - there are no words. This morning I woke disgruntled and tired after a long night with an unpleasant six year old, you have made me realise to be grateful for every headache my terror inducing high maintenance six year gives me. Your words will be helping people out there and for that I say thank you for sharing.
Jennifer Thank you!! I am so proud he chose me, feeling very blessed right now!! Thank you for your support!
Kristy, your such a beautiful person and reading Titans story makes me so proud of you even though I don't even know you. You have an amazing family who all have suffered such grief and yet still came together to create beautiful things for a special little boy.
Ohhhh what a beautiful message - Thank you!!! I do have an amazing family... I am very blessed I don't think I would have coped without them.... Thank YOU xxx
WOW, so emotional, beautifully written again. My heart goes out to you as I sit here in tears again. I admire your strength, I know how I feel all these years on and my loss cannot be compared to yours. I can't wait to read more... Jo xxx
Ohhhh Thank you xxxx
he only had one day. That spoke to my soul x
Thank you beautiful... WOW!! I think he has spoken to many souls over the last 5 days... I'm so proud of him xxxxx
There's so much beauty in this story Kristy. A whole family bound by grief and yet able to show so much love, not just for Titan but for each other. I feel truly honoured to be able to share in reading this piece, which to me, represents a further gift of love to your son.
Thank you x
Ohhh Thanks Kirri - I really appreciate your beautiful kind words xxxx
I just dont no what to say!! It breaks my heart and thank you so so much for sharing this. I get so angry at myself reading this when i think, of the times that i get so cranky with my children and sometimes in ways i wish i didnt have to get up to them again or clean up after them. But i wouldnt have it any other way. I feel very lucky to have my children. You are one strong lady i just dont think i could do it.
I totally belive in Angels and often ask them for guidance, you have one special Angel looking after you and your family.
Hugs to you x
Don't be angry with yourself...Don't feel guilty....I also find it difficult.. I like you are only human...this gig is hard but beautiful and that is why I blog- Mother's feel too much guilt.. Guilt is NO good! You obviously cherish your babies and this is beautiful! ......Part of my mission is to extinguish guilt... It is no good for us and No good for our babies.... My Angel is looking after our family and your doing a beautiful job of looking after yours so please don't be hard on yourself....
Oh Kristy...words completely fail me....love you in the short time I have known you and your gorgeous family.xxx
Thank you my dear friend xxxx
Re-living this moment & these words is soo heart breaking. I miss him soo much too. You are a truly amazing person Kristy love you to bits. xoxo
I love you to bits my very very special lady, love you with all of my heart and soul, so does Titan, he loves his Aunty Shel just so much.....
Oh gorgeous. This is such a lovely tribute to your son. I am so touched by your suffering and pain. I am so admiring your families tender love and kindness by using their gifts and talents to bless your little man so that he can have the 'best' that they can give as he left this life. Such a spiritual and heart written post. You are wonderful and I so admire you telling your personal heart ache and story. Hugs. Naomi x
Thank you Naomi you have ALWAYS been so supportive of me, your soul is pure and kind.... I value that so much. I want to say THANKYOU to you, you are an inspiration to me.....
I wanted to wait until my family were all asleep so I could read Titan's day in total quiet, in peace, imagining his day for you. Titan's story needs total attention, it is just magical how you write, captivates and makes us understand, from an outsiders point, something so raw and private. xo
Magical... Thank you.. That is a beautiful compliment.. I think he was magical he has touched so many hearts... Given so many inspiration....
Once again, I'm left speechless and in tears.
Absolutely beautiful writing xo
Thank you Tara, I appreciate you reading the second part of Titan's Story xxxx
Lost my son Jaxson at 39wks in 2007. reading your story reminds me so much of my own. while i would never wish this pain on anyone else it is comforting to know that im not alone xx
I Know EXACTLY what your saying... that feeling of alone is nearly unbearable, it's like the world is whirling past and you just want to scream at everyone to STOP! Even though I had amazing support... it was still a lonely place...xx Lots of love to your Angel in Heaven Jaxon xxxx
thank you for sharing your story - you and Ben and your amazing family are truely amazing you take my breath away . Thank you for starting this website and sharing your thoughts, feelings and your story. love to you xx oo xx
Thank You baby!!! xxxxx love to you too see you Sat xxx
This is the second time I have read this and the second time I have cried. Didn't know what to leave as a comment the first time, nor what to say now really. Can't imagine being able to go through that. I am so sorry you had to. xx
Ohhh two of my inspirations in a row.... Nicole you don't have to say anything... the support you have given me is all I could have ever asked for..... My son was here for a reason, he chose me and I am truly blessed he was an amazing soul... everyone that was in the delivery room just kept saying how strong he was... I am so blessed he chose me... so truly blessed..xxx Thank You again Nicole xxxx
An art or a craft really does have a powerful ability to heal. I wrote poetry and created webpages for loved ones I have lost. Sometimes even the loss of someone I don't even know will lead to a creative expression It seems silly, but at the same time it can be very therapeutic.
Thank you again for sharing your story - the way you write makes it feel like you were writing this as it was happen. So visceral, if that's the right word for it.
Ohhh I am so lucky to have your support... your kind words...you have taught me so much... I am feeling very honored that you have taken time out of your day to read my post - Thank You Kristi xxxxx
I gave birth to my third baby at 20 weeks. Unlike Titan, we knew Mackenzie had died before I delivered her. It was the most surreal out of body experience I have ever had. I remember looking at my hands, my legs, covered in blood and thinking that it was like something out of a horror movie, it couldnt be real, this couldnt be happening to me! I kept hoping that would tell me that it was a mistake and she was still alive, I could still feel her bumping around inside of me, surely that meant something.
Anyway of course it wasnt a mistake, it was very real.
Mackenzie was not born alive, but she was loved and longed for.
She touched our lives in a way that I do not have to explain to you and we will never quite be the same again.
Mackenzie would have just turned 11. I had my first son the year after and realised that I could keep having more children, but one would always be missing.
I feel very blessed to have three beautiful children, but my baby girl is always missing from our family.
My deepest sympathy to you on the loss of Titan x
Ohhh Georga- I just really wish I could hug you right now... I know the surreal experience you are talking about... It's like your watching a movie... and things are happening that aren't meant to happen...everything you have dreamed of is gone... in an instant... it's gone... Mackenzie was a beautiful soul that chose you... You are who you are today because of her.... Thank you for sharing your story and I hope it helped you heal in some small way... xxxx Kristy xxxx
Thank you Kristy. I remember the doctor telling me "its ok you can have another baby" I cried harder and said " you dont understand, I want this baby" As you say, everything I had dreamed of was gone. People tell me everything happens for a reason, nope I cant find a reason for this, there would never be a good enough reason for why we dont have our babies with us. I've been crying on and off all day since reading about Titan, so maybe sharing my story has helped, its been a long time since I've spoken about Mackenzie to anyone, crying is reserved privately for her anniversary now days. Thank you for the opportunity to share. And big hugs for you too xx
I gave birth to my third baby at 20 weeks. Unlike Titan, we knew Mackenzie had died before I delivered her. It was the most surreal out of body experience I have ever had. I remember looking at my hands, my legs, covered in blood and thinking that it was like something out of a horror movie, it couldnt be real, this couldnt be happening to me! I kept hoping that would tell me that it was a mistake and she was still alive, I could still feel her bumping around inside of me, surely that meant something.
Anyway of course it wasnt a mistake, it was very real.
Mackenzie was not born alive, but she was loved and longed for.
She touched our lives in a way that I do not have to explain to you and we will never quite be the same again.
Mackenzie would have just turned 11. I had my first son the year after and realised that I could keep having more children, but one would always be missing.
I feel very blessed to have three beautiful children, but my baby girl is always missing from our family.
Georga I have commented below xxx
I wrote a post on my blog yesterday about one of my miscarriages, that I wish I had just had the chance to see what my little one looked like. Just to touch them, smell them.... that smell that lives with you, that you never forget...
Titan must be so proud to be able to look down on you, his Mumma, and know how much you love him.
Much love to you Kristy xx
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