Any chance you can ask a question for me anonymously? Not so much a question as a vent maybe ??
My daughter is 14 (15 in July) and I found out today that she had sex for the first time with her boyfriend of 9mths who is 17 they did this without using protection and without telling/talking to any adults to get the morning after pill although he and she both say he wanted to tell me straight away she said she would "take care of it" by that she meant taking a hot shower (clearly not mature enough to be making such adult decisions ) and now it's to late for that .after finding out we sat down and worked out her cycle and it seems the deed was done smack bang dead centre of her peak ovulation time , she's adamant she wants to keep the baby IF she is indeed pregnant. My feelings are she is far to young and without sounding horrid about my own child she is a little on the simplistic side , I think she believes it will be all fun and games and like having a real living doll her words to me where along the lines of "by I know how to make a bottle and change a wet nappy and I'm good with little kids"
She doesn't seem at all remorseful or scared by the prospect to the point she's giggling about it all
She can't even do 1 simple chore a day such as putting clothes in the dryer or doing a load of washing how the $&@$ will she care for a baby, I feel like a hypocrite though as I fell with her older brother at 16 and had him shortly after my 17th birthday, I wanted more for my kids than the cycle of young mums breeding future young mums, I have 6 kids of my own and she has seen the struggles that come from such a large family with such a young mum I've always been open and honest with all my kids about how hard life has been and how things would be so different and much better for us all if I had of waited , I thought she would be smarter
I can't force her to terminate as I'm a strong believer in pro-choice and its her body, she is the one that will have to live the rest of her life with whatever decision she makes. But at only 14 I don't believe she is mature enough or responsible enough to make such a life changing choice yet I don't want her to feel like I've turned on her and have her feel like I've forced her to do something later on in life she will resent
Has anyone else been in this position ? What advise would you give if you where in this position ??
9 Replies
Find out if she is pregnant first and foremost. If she isn't pregnant it's time for some long term birth control!
If she is I think all you can do is do your best to get her ready if she is pregnant. And by that I mean cracking down hard on her having to look after herself eg now she is adult who thinks she can raise a baby she has to start doing her own washing, cooking, cleaning etc with in the house. Asking her about how she plans to finance the baby, sit down make her do a budget, be real. How is she going to pay for baby things. Make her price nappies, formula, clothes etc Ask her how often she expects someone to babysit etc.
I'd probably tighten the reigns as hard as it is in the meantime to make sure she doesn't get pregnant before you find out either way.
I'd also take her to see a psychologist for advice if she is pregnant or if she isn't Sounds like you all need support.
This may not be a very helpful answer and I am sorry you are in such a predicament... It must be a very confusing time for your daughter. does she know that him being 17 and her being 14 it is statutory rape? obviously you can't go back on it now, but if she was pregnant it would become obvious that they were sexually active and the boyfriend could get in legal trouble. I am saying this as someone who was sexually active from the age of 13 so no judgement here, but I have a lot of regrets from that time in my life. She definitely needs some help and support from family planning, counsellors, or a psychologist.
This is untrue in Australia. Statutory rape isn't a thing here and Sex with a Minor is rarely given as a charge (its usually rape. 17 year olds going to jail for sleeping with 14 year olds never happens here.
I think it needs to be established she IS pregnant before any discussion can be had in regards to the child. Take her to the GP, have her take a test while there and if it's still too early maybe a blood test to confirm. Don't jump the gun and start that discussion until you are sure it needs to be had. If she is NOT pregnant the GP can talk to her about the pill, condoms and staying safe. Don't make it an issue that can isolate you from your child.
Hi, I was 14 when I fell pregnant with my son who is now 12. Please be there for her. She isn't mature enough, no, but the fact is now it's happened and if she is pregnant she will keep it. You are allowed to be disappointed in her but please be supportive of her. All the best mama
If she is pregnant be there for her, BUT also remind her you are not her baby sitter and she will be the one who gets up at night, she won't be able to go hang with her friends like she used to , most will abandon her and she needs to grow up and start doing things around the house like any other mum would. I had my first at 17.
What a difficult time for you all. Firstly, check for pregnancy. If she is then perhaps getting some help from some of the young mum programs that are around. The doctor should be able to point you in the right direction. This is not the time to be withdrawing your support from her but at the same time, your daughter thought she was old enough to have unprotected sex, therefore she must be treated like she is responsible enough to birth a baby and raise that child as her own. That responsibility should not fall on your shoulders. The responsibility for you is to guide and educate her as to what it may be like in the future, for her with a child. Goodluck Mumma. It's a difficult time which requires you to remain strong and for you to not be too overemotional about it all.
I can definitely relate to this and hopefully offer some advice. I got pregnant at 15, it honest to god didn't even cross my mind that it could happen !!! I too was so naive in the beginning and pictured me pushing a pram around and all would be great. Once I actually took the test the reality did hit me and I panicked about my situation and hated the choices I then had to make. All I can say is the best thing I ever did was go away for the weekend with an 18 month old..... Before this I was being pressured by family and boyfriend to abort but was purposely delaying and was already 8 weeks. I went away with my sister and her friend with her child. It was that very weekend that I saw first hand the true reality of having a baby and although he was lovely I realised I didn't want that life yet, what 15 year would.....I highly recommend doing something similar with your daughter, make a plan with her to openly consider discussing keeping the baby if she agrees to help a family for a few days with their baby. It's not as fun without the mother/child bond, trust me. Even though I made the choice in the end to abort, I still held it against my partner/family for not supporting me and pressuring me and it caused depression and I also suffered ptsd from the actual abortion and would have flashbacks up to two years later. I was a very sensitive girl and didn't handle the guilt of the choice I made, counselling is a must if she does go down that route.
Step 1 go and get a pregnancy test.....My girls aren't sexually active but miss periods quite regularly