Teenage dramas.. Someone please give me advice on what they would do in this situation!
I have a 15 year old son who, besides the occasional teenage attitude, is a good kid. He has always been soft hearted and loving and while that's changed a little in how and where it's displayed as he has gotten older he hasn't changed if that makes sense.
He has a girlfriend who is also 15 and she has a lot of personal issues, a history of child abuse, she was cutting herself and she see's a therapist. We can't obviously pick who our kids choose even when we don't like their choices. I'm not saying she is in any way a bad kid I just think it's more issues that he really doesn't need to deal with at his age. Especially being in year ten I would much rather he focus on school and his future etc. That being said I remember being a teenager and I know that nothing we say is going to change his mind. We have always made this girl feel welcome and although we don't let him do whatever he likes whenever he likes he gets to see her at school and sometimes on weekends. I also have to add that her mother has told me more then once that she doesn't like imposing rules or saying no to her daughter as she believes that they need to experience life without boundaries. Pfft. Not in my house and we believe kids need rules. Not my place to tell her how to raise her child though and we loop back to how we can't choose (unfortunately) who our kids decide to befriend. We could try and stop him seeing her but they would still see each other at school and as any parent of a teenager would know, trying to stop them just makes them rebel.
Fast forward to yesterday. It started like any other school day in my house. I asked if he would like a lift to school as I was taking his younger brother in. He said he would catch the bus which is nothing out of the norm.. He likes hanging out with his friends. I took my younger son into school and then came home which took about an hour or so. Did some housework etc and nothing was out of the ordinary. Then I got a call from my mum. She said she had my 15yr old standing in her Loungeroom and that I needed to look in his room as he left me a letter. I found the letter, three pages about how we suck and he hates having rules and chores and being roused on when he is out of line. Very dramatic. My mum says that there's more I need to know. It turns out that while I was out he came here with his g/f and his g/f's mother, used his house key and packed his belongings. Someone told him that because he is a minor if he ran away from home the police would bring him back unless there was a reason he couldn't come back. So after they packed his things they went to the local police station and spoke to them and children's services and told them we abuse him both verbally and physically. They told him because he is 15 and in this situation he can make his own choices and doesn't have to go home and they will even arrange youth allowance for him to help him out. I'm gobsmacked that the system thinks this is a good idea to tell teenagers.
I'm gutted. My husband and younger son are gutted. We are waiting now expecting that the police and children's services will no doubt want to speak to us and our younger boy. My 15yr old won't speak to me and told his grandparents he is living with his girlfriend and her mother. They let him leave which I just cannot even begin to understand as I wouldn't have if it were my grandchild. My mum keeps telling me to calm down and we will work it out and everything will be ok. I told her that no, it won't be. If he wants to be the big responsible adult out in the real world then he isn't welcome back. If it doesn't work out where he is he will have to live with them. They are more then happy to have him. My mum thinks I'm being horrible but how would you react? He reported us to the police and lied to them about us abusing him. I don't even know what the ramifications will be on us or his younger brother. We have nothing to hide but the last thing any parent wants is their child questioned about being abused. I know I'm hurt and angry right now but I'm not saying he isn't welcome back on a whim. This is beyond what a simple sorry can fix. There was no warning for this whatsoever. He isn't abused by any means and doesn't go without. The worst I've done is yell at him and even that's a rare occasion but what parent hasn't yelled at their child?? When he was a lot younger he would get a smack on the bum when naughty but I can't remember the last time that would have happened. It would have been years ago. I'm feeling like an absolute failure of a mother right now and I'm at a complete loss as to what I am meant to do. He has truly broken my heart and now we have to prove our innocence. It's beyond ridiculous. I can't even begin to describe what I want to say and do to his g/f's mother. Even if she truly thought we were abusing him why wouldn't she be an adult and talk to us about it? I can't believe she was in my house and helped him run away from home. Who does that??
10 Replies
I would get proactive fast. Ring the police ASAP, and ring child welfare ASAP. Don't sit back and wait for them to come to you! Make sure you keep the letter, take copies of it. Don't delay.
Omg that is heartbreaking and I can totally understand you being hurt and confused. I would be writing your son a heartfelt letter fully explaining the effect this has had on your family and the severe consequences involved. I would let him know that if he wants to move in with his girlfriend that is fine but the way he has gone about it is atrocious and puts your family in jeopardy with the law. Maybe like the other poster has suggested be proactive and suggest a mediation with a police officer present to talk to your son to clear your name. Ensure the whole family is present. At the moment he is thinking like a horny emotional teenager and not fully understanding the consequences. I'm so sorry you are going thru this. If it is any consolation I'm sure once he comes to his senses he will feel terrible about what hr has done. Teenagers especially boys take a long time to develop the understanding required to make serious decisions.
I came from a very loving home with good parents and I remember when my sister went off the rails for a bit. She left home, I think it was year 11, to live with her pregnant school friend who quit school. My parents were absolutely devastated, there was a lot of tense times and fighting from the pregnant woman's mum etc. Anyway, she ended up back home within a month or two, deep down she knew she wasn't doing the right thing and the reality of living out of home became a bit much. I am sure your son will come around but I absolutely understand why you are gutted that he said he was abused, teens just don't see the consequences of their serious actions. Maybe even the girlfriend put him up to saying it? I guarantee in 5 years time you will laugh about this, I know it doesn't help now though. My thoughts are with you during this rough time.
You are angry and that is understandable, but he is your child and if you close the door on him he will have no where to go when he realises he made a mistake.
I would say him and his girlfriend have concocted this so they can be together. It will pass and i would try and do everything to remain calm... being irrational wont help with police or welfare.
Best of luck mum, just remember he is 15.
This is a tough situation, I am still going through it myself with my 16yr old son. His Father took his own life almost 2 years ago, so I've been doing it solo for a while. Although he didn't go to the police with a made up story. He has been allowed to move in with a mate and his family. No questions asked. He went to school one day and then sent me a text to say he wasn't coming home, ever. Its heartbreaking and frustrating at the same time. Centrelink have handed him youth allowance on a silver platter. A social worker calls and speaks to you and him to get both sides of the story. My son had 3 options available to him, as in places to live, all with relatives who would have financially supported him. Centrelink social worker also spoke in length with his councillor, giving a strong case against him living away from home. And yet here I am 3 months down the track, I have lost family payments because of his choices, He has dropped out of school and Centrelink in all there wisdom have granted him youth allowance with the living away from home allowance on top of that. I have maintained some contact with him but its hard as I'm just still so angry about the whole thing. I don't think there is anything you can do apart from be there to put the broken pieces together when your son is ready. Try to keep in contact even if its a simple text. My son also had a good upbringing and I live in hope that he will change his mind and decide that his family isn't so bad after all. We are planning holidays and he is invited but must pay his own way if he wants to come with us. My Mum is still taking him for driving lessons as a way of keeping in contact and checking on his wellbeing. Good Luck, its an unfair situation when you as a parent don't have any rights to protect and raise the child your way.
Been there, done that and do not want the T-shirt!! Lol. I could have written this! 10 years ago this was me with my daughter. All I can say is that, I am thinking of you. It got really bad for us and our details won't help you. Roll on 10 years and she is once again the loving child we bought up and very much involved in our family again. There was much heartbreak along the way but there is light at the end and I had many people in similar situations tell me it was a waiting and loving game. Hang in there.
Mama, I am so sorry. My son isn't 2 yet and I can't imagine the pain you are feeling.
I had girlfriends who pulled this crap in high school. I believed them when they said Dad hit them, I supported them going to the councillor etc and when I found out she had lied I felt horrible! I never would have encouraged that behaviour! My sister-in-law pulled it when the family moved interstate and she was unhappy. I wanted to slap her! I tell you this because you need to know its not unusual, it's not new and CPS & Police have seen it all before.
Now, my dad is a police officer of 25 years service. I can tell you now, they know BULLSH!t when they see it. They have seen this scheme more then once and I'm confident they will see through this.
Can they make him come home? Nope, unfortunately they won't at his age. Which is ridiculous but the law doesn't allow do it. Should you have him back? I would, but there would be some pretty big rules on behaviour if he wanted back!
Be strong, Mama. He's fallen in with people who will let him do as he likes and he thinks is SO COOL. The other shoe will drop and he will be missing those rules and boundaries of your home! And someone who backs him, all the way. He won't get that anywhere else. It's a steep learning curve, and he's not hit the first bump into the road yet.
I have been there. My daughter twice run away and stayed with a family who believe kids should have no rules and if they want to sleep at their boyfriends have sex smoke drugs u should just let them.
My daughter was sucked in by these people thankful the police and social service saw right through it. They even threatened if we tried to stop it they would tell the police we abused our other kids. My daughter ended up dropping out of school, lost an above award wage casual job she had had for 2 years and is now living with her boyfriend. Which is what started this all. Parents have no rights she was 15 boyfriend 19 cops said if we bring her home she will only run away again.
It's now 2 years later we r rebuilding our relationship and she is realising how much she has effected her future and is trying to get her life together. Unfortunately u sometimes u just have to ride the waves of it. Eventually u will come out the other end.
Some parents are arseholes and are bad pre ts to there own kids and try to stuff up other kids lives for fun too.
Hes made a irrational decision to get what he wants right now. Id give it a week. He wont like it out in the real world. He wont understand the consequences of this yet. Let him face them. Ur allowed go be upset at this and he made a choice to leave so he can face the consequences. Let him c the damage he has caused. He must care to show up at his grandparents house. This will be him trying to get control and have no boundaries. He wants what his gf has. He will then c how much it sucks and come back.
My daughter is 16 and this is exactly what she has done. It is now coming up to 6 months.
When we sent the police around she said the same rubbish about abuse, luckily the police saw through this however still couldn’t force her home.
She dropped out of high school and started a Tafe course this year. Whether she goes or not, I do not know. She had some savings in her own account as we always paid for everything for her so she never had to spend her pocket money.
My wife has only seen her properly once and same with myself since. She never replies to Whatsapp messages and I am sure when they are shown as read she just opened the chat to clear them as unread from hers.
What she does not understand is how much this has hurt us and continues to. She has never even said why she has done this. We always tell her in our messages we love her and the door is always open but no response. My wife and I joke that if one of us dies she would not know as she does not read our messages (or answer the phone for that matter). She was always a quiet child but was very vocal on what she believed in. She started going out with her first boyfriend and he seemed nice enough. He lives with his sister and mother, never met them though my daughter did say they were nice. Then one day last year never came home from seeing friends. We always let her go out and stuff within reason i.e. school nights. She never went without anything such as clothes and makeup. We don’t know what we did or did not do to have her do this. The mother of the boyfriend never picks up our calls and has not ever called us to let us know how she is or anything. If anyone has any experience like this please let me know [email protected]