My 14 yr old is consistently engaging in sexual activity. She has hickeys from her breasts to her belly button, was fingered (sorry no other way to put it) at school, has rumours at school that she is performing oral on boys (which I naively believed to just be rumours at the time). She isn't in relationships with these boys and they are all different boys. She says it is for attention but I don't know why. She has lots of friends. We have a good life. She goes to a Catholic private school. We have had the talk we have talked about safety and about how things like this in a small town will be remembered for a long time but she doesn't get it. I am concerned about what information and behaviours she will be passing to her younger siblings. Help!! Is there anything I can do. I don't know what to do. I have threatened boarding school but really I can't afford it ($25,000 a year at the cheapest). Plus I don't know if that will actually help....
14 Replies
She IS doing it for attention. Any attention is better than No attention. Your daughter has low self esteem.
Changing the environment won't change the way she seeks attention. It will just change the place she does it. I know kids who grew up in boarding schools and I can tell you now, they won't be able to stop this behaviour either.
You both need help from a psychologist. She needs help building her self worth and learning she can get attention for other things. She needs to see her value in other ways. A psychologist can help you work through this. Don't send her to boarding school, that will remove her from the people she should be getting positive attention and healthy affection from, which is her family.
This was me as a teenager. It didn't matter that I went to a private school of if I had "lots" of friends. This would be because it was different type of attention and loved the feeling of being "wanted" by males. 14 peakes as hormones kick in hard. You can set rules and boundaries but you are sending a message to the town you will send her away for being "easy" with guys. You need to get out of her why she feels like this is an ok type of attention? And then work with her on that. I'm sorry but girls that age don't have a come to Jesus moment they will continue for attention. You need to find a way to work with her and find out what has triggered this behavior
I work as a caterer in a boarding school and let me tell you the girls are just as bad in there too! So not a good idea if that's the only reason you want to send her especially if you can't afford it.
Also going to a private school doesn't mean anything in regards to this. I went to a public school and I was not like this as a 14 year old, I was a virgin til 16.
I would say she has extremely low self esteem and thinks this will make boys like her or make her feel wanted. Perhaps consider getting her into a councilor so she can have someone to talk to about how she is feeling and maybe they can offer ways to build her self esteem and make her realise she doesn't have to act like this.
I know plenty of girls who have been like this. Public School, Private School, public boarding school. All of them craved attention from the opposite sex. Nearly all of them became teenage mums. Child psych, a good grounding, implanon (birth control) regular STD screenings, not being allowed to leave the house after school or on weekends would all help stop her from being how she is. It would also give you a peace of mind. Once the boys find out she's willing to do that stuff to them out of a relationship she'll be a target for all of them especially the older ones. You sound like you've lost control of her, it's about time you took it back and let her know who is boss.
I went to a public school and yes there were girls like that. However most of them came from the catholic school. One of them let boys finger her in class and on a few occasions there was a hat passed around to raise money for her to have an abortion. She had three in one year.
I was at a beach party she was at and she was found masturbating with a beer bottle. Another time she was out the front of my friends house having sex with someone in the gutter.
She came from a very well known and respected family. Her family was very well off and yet she chose that behaviour. Why? Attention? I think so!
I don't know what happened to her. Most of the people I went to school with I have contact with due to Facebook. But her - she went off the radar after we finished school.
Get her help. She's screaming for it.
I hope it's not too late.
Ive thought about this, as a teenager who was a bit off the rails, i think you should encourage her to get a boyfriend. Instead of shaming her sexual activity,which will make her feel worse about herself, talk about it openly and talk about relationships. Let her know her worth and what she deserves from a boy. Help her understand relationships and hopefully open a dilaogue with her about the whole thing, without her feeling any shame or judgement. Sex, birth control, boys, everything. Anx i completely agree with the first commented, its all about her self esteem.
From the age of 13 I was very sexually active with boys.
Even some men.
I had convinced myself that if I slept with men eventually I would enjoy it and I would stop fantasizing about females.
Over 5 years, from 13 to 18; I slept with over 25 blokes.
Luckily tho, my mum had educated me well on safe sex and contraception. So no unwanted pregancy or STIs came of that period of my life.
Only finally came out as lesbian recently at the age of 25!
Don't push her away or send her away, no matter why she is behaving like that she still needs you. And don't shame her for it either.
You should take her to the doctor, make sure she understand safe sex and contraceptives as she will keep having sex anyway.
And also get her in to see a pycologist.
She also needs to learn that if she wanted attention from males, she needs to work out how to get their attention in a positive way.
But don't let her feel judged by her own mother over it. Being a teenager is hard, we all forget how hard it really is. Horemones changing, brains changing, bodies changing.
Just love her. And honestly fuck what the people in town think. It's not their buisness anyway.
I would be concerned why she doing it not what example she is setting and quiet frankly who gives a shit what others think! I would be having a loving talk abd counselling she may not want to talk to you! Dont use the school counselor and dont threaten boarding school do you think she wont seek attention there. Sorry to suggest it but could a close male relative be molesting her?
I was like this as a teenager as well. I didn't have any respect for myself so I would let boys do anything to me. It started when I was 13 and I didn't really stop until I met my now husband at 16.
I went to a public school and my family knew nothing about it. I always had safe sex though. I ended up being raped because I said no to a boy I had previously done a lot with but I had a boyfriend. Once the boyfriend and I had broken up it made everything worse because I then also thought well they don't respect me but who cares they're showing me attention.
I think it's something a lot of girls go through. I personally don't know if there is anything you can do to stop her other than making sure she is being safe. Maybe put her on the pill to try to make sure she doesn't get pregnant, if she's going to be having sex anyway.
This was me from the age of 15 to 20.
I came from a good family, was never abused, went to a private catholic school too and had friends, but what I also had was depression and very low self esteem.
I had a group of close friends, but was not popular with boys and never really had a steady boyfriend. I believed I was ugly and not good enough.
I was full of hormones and started chatting to boys about sex and they seemed into me so I did it. I was getting male attention and it made me feel wanted. I didn't care that people would talk about me. Any attention was better than none in my opinion at the time.
My parents were unaware of my behavior as I would lie about where I was and what I was doing, but if they had known and sent me away all it would have done was make me resent them.
So what changed for me? First I got a scare. I got chlamidya and I didn't even know who I got it off! Luckily it was caught early on and treated, but the scare of knowing it could have made me infertile or I could have gotten HIV was a big wake up call.
Secondly the biggest thing that changed was I met my boyfriend at the time (now husband) he didn't know my past when he met me. He showed me what true love was and being wanted for me not for sex. This improved my self esteem greatly. And I'm now a confident wife and mother of 2.
I think your daughter probably has low self esteem. if you can encourage her to find a decent boyfriend it could help her a lot. Also therapy for her could be helpful.
Good luck.
This is most definitely an attention and self esteem thing . I went through a similar phase as a teenager and it stemmed from a a sexual abuse incident that led me to believe I was only good as a sexual 'thing' . And sadly it led to promiscuity because a boy I liked at the time thought it was cool that I was 'sexually acttive' and he was giving me the kimd of attention I thought I wanted from him for it . But he didn't want to be with me he just wanted to play like the other guys ! :(
obviously this guy was a douche too BUT as a vulnerable teenage girl I really could not understand it and any attention was better then none - from there I just didn't know how to stop and I couldn't tell my parents because I thought they'd be so crushed by my Behaviour!!
In the end I became really depressed mum got me to a psychologist and I was able to sort myself out . I did change schools in the end but went public and it was by MY choice not my mums . I'm glad mum waited for me to choose because I was ready to start over then and I was in a better place.
I would definitely try to talk to her , ask her what attention she thinks this gives her ? Does she REALLY like it or does she just not know how to stop ? Try really hard to not be judge mental !! Brain storm with her how she might be able to change , ideas on how to say no to guys (cos if she has a reputation it might be hard now?)
If she's not sure how to talk to you then offer a counselor !
Don't send her to boarding school ! Shell just feel like your punishing her when right now she's most likely needing understanding and love !
I would also take her to the dr to get her on some birth control in the mean time ! The last thing you or she needs is a pregnancy :-/
I went to a catholic girls school and I had sex at 14, so did lots of my friends. Unfortunately, I did it because I felt pressure from my boyfriend at the time so that he wouldn't break up with me. I probably had low self esteem issues too and wanted guys to like me.
I think all you can do is be there for her, put her on contraception and maybe get her into some positive body classes that will make her feel good about herself and not like she needs to do sexual things for boys to like her.
I feel for you , my daughter is 13 and my hope is that she turns out nothing like I was!
It's possible she has been sexually abused at some point and this is a subconsious way of dealing with those feelings. She may not even realise the connection. It could have been something very subtle from a trusted adult. I would suggest having a talk with her and encourage her to open up if someone's touched her at any point.
Also speak to the school nurse or councillor by yourself and see what they suggest.
I was wondering if she has any positive male role models? I didn't and at 14 was looking for love, belonging, acceptance from boys and men that looked like attention seeking. Fast forward and I have 3 daughters and the only difference is a number of positive male role models. Just a thought.