"Return to Sender, no longer at address"

My heart aches,
It aches for a missing child.
A child who was taken from his brother,
A child that's never been allowed to grow up knowing his family loves & misses him so much.

I never stopped loving you,
You're still my biggest little hero,
Born premature on St. Patrick's Day,
Just like your baby brother was born on Independence Day.
My holiday babies, I will never forget.

With one son still in my arms, they will always welcome you home,
My missing child.

A missing person is having no closure.
A missing child, is like nothing else imaginable.

When someone passes away, you can mourn their loss.
When someone passes away, you know those memories are fixed and complete.
When you loose someone like that, you maybe grieving but YOU KNOW what has happened and there's an end.

A missing child, gives you so much of "never knowing" and "what if I just..." and framed photos of memories of a child who's been frozen at age 4 with his 3 year old baby brother making silly faces for the photographer, me.

That's my last memory, of my missing child.

Every Christmas and birthday is heartbreaking.
Every milestone missed.
Every phone call rejected, never returned or text deleted.
Knowing where you are but never allowed to see...

I didn't give birth to you my missing child.
I was there from the first day of your life,
And was there for two years after your Father gave you up.
I love you like your I love your little brother,
He misses you and now only remembers you as "his brother in the photos" that he never sees.
He is angry at his Father, who gave you up...
... He's actually asked him why...
Your father blamed me.
Your father was uncomfortable with his youngest child asking about his missing brother...
He said he has no right,
That it's his mother's fault,
That it's none of our business why...

We will never give you up,
We will always love & miss you
And yet,
The not knowing is...

I don't know what really happened...
... But you one day said that your father was dead.
Your birth mother explained that your father lived elsewhere and use to come see him with me.
You then said that I was your Daddy,
... Which must have been confusing.
You were becoming so aware of people around you,
And how much they loved you.

Then,

You were gone.

I worried.
No contact from your birth mother,
Two mysterious messages from other people picking up the phone,
I called the police,
I felt helpless, worried and scared.

The police went by to check on you and your birth mother.
Who told her to get in contact...
...her last words were "I didn't feel like talking..."

That was it.
Maybe it was a toxic relationship,
I did everything right,
I wasn't your birth mother but you were my missing child.
You have a baby brother,
Time has flown by.
You start highschool next year,
And we'll never be able to be apart of your life.
Your baby brother is starting 6th grade,
He plays "Minecraft," watches YouTube, rides his bike with his mates, loves olives, loves magic, obsessed with ITunes / Ipad, pokemon, xbox, memes, farting competitions, swimming, the beach...
... And I wonder what you're into?

Your baby brother is 5'4", brown hair, brown/green eyes, and I can never find pants small enough to fit his waste but match his height.

I wonder what changes you've gone through, how tall you are, if you wear your hair like Justin Bieber or are a ACDC fan?

I wonder if you're a good reader, and how well you do in school...
I wonder about your pets, friends and even the bad days you have...
...why? Because I am your forever missing "stranger" step mother who has no right to know you, love you and be apart of your life...

.... Even when your father gave you up, but I did not.

It's been 8 years now.

I always send you a card or something in the mail.
I don't know if it's opened,
I don't know if you're told anything about us,
Your brother,
Your father,
Or, your step mother.

Then, I got a "Return to Sender, no longer at address" on our Christmas Card.

My heart broke.

You were gone.

My missing child, not born of my body, shares the same father of a baby brother born of my body...

I am so sorry...