Hello everyone. I have been with someone for 5 years. Last year we got engaged. Two years ago he cheated on me, had a one night stand and the woman got pregnant. I left him at the time but he begged and fought so hard so I stayed. He didn’t want anything to do with this child but he paid for it. Now two years later he has made the decision he wants to be a part of this child’s life. He made that decision without discussing it with me or even telling me about it. I can’t be a part of this- this child represents a betrayal to me.
Also, he keeps having the mother and child staying over at our house ( I have moved out) and keeps buying the mother presents. I am so hurt- we were due to get married this June.
Can I accept a child from cheating?
Can I accept a child from cheating?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Sisterhood Stories
61 Replies
RUN! How disrespectful to have the mother staying over at YOUR house. The child fair enough but not her. Get out of this, what a betraying douchebag!
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I thought so too! I told him and his reply was I’m trying to build a relationship with my daughter and the mother comes with that. Their daughter is 2. Surely she doesn’t need to be staying round?! I’m heartbroken.
I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my 2 year old with a father she doesn’t know. The staying over at your house is a stretch though that’s for sure! I think if you can’t handle his daughter being in his life then you should either get over it or leave him. I would have less respect for a man who has nothing to do with his child even through cheating, it’s not the child’s fault. It’s a crappy situation but unfortunately it is what it is.
I can’t handle it. The child fair enough but the mother will always be in the background and if I ever came face to Face I would want to throttle her 😢. I lost a baby last year so this is really such a hard blow watching my husband to be play happy families with someone else
Reading your other reply below, I'd do a week without contact with him. Block his number or tell him you need one week without speaking to him. Look for a new place to live, take yourself on a mini retreat over the weekend and just have some you time. See if you feel freer and happier without him and if being without him is a life you could live. Because honestly, it'll get easier and whilst you may still love him as such, you may realise you don't want to be with him anymore.
And girl, you deserve so much better than him!!!!
Thank you x
I wouldn’t leave my two year old with a stranger, a one night stand, I’m assuming a virtual stranger to both the mother and the child. I’m also going to assume he has no other children so has absolutely no experience, yeah, that wouldn’t be happening. However, I wouldn’t be doing overnights either, would probably spend day time hours with the father, start going to the next room, building up the time together slowly.
Personally I would just leave him to it. He's now decided to be in the child's life therefore for atleast the next 16 years the woman he cheated with will be apart of his life. Is that something you can handle?
I can totally understand how hurt you are but if you resent and cannot accept this child you should definitely move on. The child is innocent in all of this and shouldn't be punished for their parents shitty behaviour.
Next order of business he has the woman he cheated with staying with him and buying her presents? Move on girl cut the ties and find someone who will be faithful and respect you. Doesn't matter if that's the mother of his child it's still the woman he cheated with and he needs to set firm boundaries to respect you. He's not doing that this tells me he doesn't respect your feelings or really give 2 fucks about the hurt he's caused you. You are better off without him cut all ties.
He keeps calling me and texting me constantly- asking me to accept him with this child and “if I loved him enough I’d accept him with this flaw”. I just can’t but I still love him and it’s heartbreaking. I feel so betrayed - I feel I’ve been kicked out of my home and my life without having a say. It was more like “I’m accepting this child if you want stay, stay if not off you go” but at the same time he keeps ringing and texting me telling me he loves me so much. I’m so hurt 😢
I hate that! It’s so emotionally manipulative.
If he loved you enough he wouldn’t have cheated on you. If he loved you enough he wouldn’t be having that woman staying overnight in your house, he would go through mediation and the proper channels for access to his child, not access to his ex skank.
If he loved you enough he would realize that he is not being fair to you or considerate of your feelings and let you go.
Why should it come down to you not loving him enough? You may love him, but you should always love yourself the most.
Get out now while you still can and make a clean break. Don’t waste any more years of your life on this guy.
A child should never be described as a flaw...urghhh.....
Run now.
It’s time to end the freak show and go your separate rate ways.
I dont think I could handle that, I would leave. I understand him wanting to be a part of the childs life but I couldn't handle the constant reminder of what she is, leave him to his own mess.
That’s how I feel. That child is a living, breathing reminder of him cheating on me. Besides, do I want my children to have a half sister that’s come from a one night stand? I don’t think so!
Whoa, I had sympathy for you, but you just lost me big time. That child is not less than in any way because it was made from a one night stand. You should def break up with him, your thinking could be very damaging to this innocent little person.
I was innocent in all of this too.
Blame him, not the child. It doesn’t sound like you’re in the right headspace at all to move forward in this relationship as it currently sits.
I’m not blaming the child at all. I’m blaming the parents.
Yes you’re innocent, but as an adult you can choose what you do in this situation, an innocent child cannot. They are stuck with these parents and need them. There is no comparison. I don’t actually understand your reasoning, you were willing to forgive him two years ago and move on with your life and promise to marry in June when he didn’t want to know the child, but now he has stepped up and become a man and facing his responsibilities, you want to break up. This child could be the best thing to happen to you guys in this lousy situation, the bright light to bring you together. Learning to parent together. What has changed since you forgave him? His child will always come first and frankly it should, if you don’t get that, then move on.
Also, when you really get to the nitty gritty of the situation, your forgiveness was conditional on this little person growing up fatherless, never having a relationship with their own dad. Would that really make you happy? Could you happily live your life knowing there is a child out there without a parent so he could keep you or is a deadbeat dad? Out of sight, out of mind? This was always a poosibility in the future and I would have based my forgiveness on knowing this. I personally would have broken up when he cheated, child or not.
Yes but you're an adult. She's a toddler!
The child didn't betray you... He did. The child is innocent. Him building a relationship with the mum is very mature and healthy for their child. It's only a problem if the relationship being built is romantic. You need to decide whether you can trust him and accept that he made a mistake. If he isn't trustworthy, leave. If he is but you can't accept that he has a child to someone else and the child deserves parents who get along and don't fight (even if they are not a couple), leave. If you can forgive, trust him from here forward, love your potential step child unconditionally and respect her mother, stay. Personally I would not be capable of that so no judgement... Just pointing out what is needed if you stay.
Run while u can with no baggage to keep u linked with him! Put the house on the market take ur share of everything ( with a lawyers help) and build the happy life u so deserve!
Either accept the child and the fact that he and the mother should have an amicable coparenting relationship (every innocent child with parents that aren’t together deserve that) and that he may be excited and buy stuff for said child, or move on, it’s that simple. I couldn’t be with a man that denies a relationship with his own child. If you trust him moving forward, work on a custody plan that you all agree on and are comfortable with (one that doesn’t involve nights and her staying over preferably). That child deserves a father, that trumps everything else including your feelings. If he can’t integrate his child into your lives in a way that makes you feel considered, or you can’t work on this with him, please move on, a child should never feel unwanted by any parties in their close circle. I’m the opposite, I would have left when he wanted nothing to do with the child for the past two years, whereas you want to leave when he does. I would have walked a long time ago.
I fell pregnant to my now ex, he talked me into terminating
A few months on I found out he had cheated on me and got a random skank pregnant, her due date was 6 days after mine
I can't accept this child, it's 2 now and I still feel extreme anger over what they did
I hate that our other kids now have a half sibling from such a gross beginning, they completely pissed all over my family and choices and decisions we had made for our kids
I hate how she's forced him into parenting her stolen sperm, she made the decision to have a kid with someone who had told her he didn't want more kids, so if her kid misses out, it's on her, that's the price she should pay for lieing about her fertility, she treated him like a sperm bank and everyone knows sperm donors don't raise or even meet the kids
I can't do anything about it, I left but still have to share my kids with them, you don't have to live with this, run
Perhaps he should have wrapped it and not been sleeping with 2 women at the same time. It's hardly the child's fault.
The fall out from not 'wrapping it' is not just unplanned pregnancy. Everything changes. This lady is not angry at the resultant child specifically. She's angry at the adults and their selfish behaviour. What she and her existing children have lost. Her Mother Lion is out and she is protecting her children. This ancient core emotion/behaviour is a survival technique.
Mother Lion I completely understand your feelings, they are valid and I trust both your children and this other little one are shielded from your truth. That's part of the Mother Lion too. It's tempered and held inside by our modern upbringing. Brought out in adult moments and when you are in bed in dark...
Take care of yourself too. Get some Counselling - it took me years in a safe space each week to move on from life experiences like this. I still have a tear in my eye as I write to you.
Their behaviour impacts forever. But you can do it. You are a woman of strength. Use these changes to build a new better version of what you dream. Enjoy the children you have. Enjoy the peaceful times when they are away at their dads. Start doing things you put off. You may even look back and realise this was your time...
Hugs to you and the OP. You are both incredible ladies doing it tough right now.
Agreed. But the point is that it's not the child's fault. They shouldn't miss out. If you don't want to run the risk of getting someone other than your partner pregnant or changing the dynamics of your existing family, don't have sex don't have sex with someone else. My only point is that the anger should be on the 2 adults who cheated. Not the child. If this father has now stepped up and is seeing his daughter, contributing to her financial support and letting her know her siblings, that's the first thing he's done that's actually decent. I'm not saying that it wouldn't break my heart if I was in this situation... Just that that the child isn't the person that should be punished. To this mother, I hope with help you are able to heal.
This is how I feel!!! I’ve lost my child and yet this woman has his child and she’s stolen everything from me. She slept with him and then told him I only slept with you so I could get pregnant with a doctor ( he’s a doctor). Now he’s paying for her house and car etc etc. I’ve lost everything to this woman and he can’t see her for what she is! It makes me sick.
It seems like you are putting your anger about a horrible situation on the wrong person. The child didn't ask for it's dad to have a wife other than her mum who was grieving her own circumstances. I would be just as angry but that doesn't make it right. Get a mental health care plan and whatever other help you need. Sorry your husband's decisions impacted you so terribly. You didn't deserve that.
On an aside, a doctor having unprotected sex with a random, what an idiot he is, he should have known better.
He’s an idiot!!
if it hurtsyou youre better not living with it. I know ir hurts now but youll be better off moving on, happy, definiteluly wont regret leaving this behind youll probably wonder how and why on earth you got into it and stayed in it this long.
It is his relationship with the child thats true. It is a good thing hes done. But he needs to treat you right as well and it sounds like he isnt.
Im sorry, but im going against the grain here.
That child had no choice in all of this, she is also 2 years old. She didnt decide she wanted to be part of a shit show, but she is.
The fact that you forgave him and were accepting of him not wanting anything to do with that child is pretty fucked up. Yes, he cheated but again, its not the child's fault. She deserves two parents whether you like it or not. He helped make her, he should have helped raise her from day one.
My SIL was in this exact predicament. She chose to forgive AND accept the child that had no choice in the matter. The baby never came to their house, she stayed at his Mothers house and everyone visited there. As soon as her Mother was ready, my SIL and her partner started having her overnight, during the day, whenever. The entire time that is what played in my SILSs mind - the baby did not choose this. I admired her strength but she also pressured her partner into having a relationship with the baby (that he didnt want at the start) because he helped make her.
Another thing. I read that you would "throttle" the Mother if you saw her. Was she aware your partner was in a relationship when they hooked up? If not, she is not at fault for any of it either. If she did know, fair game. Knock her out lol.
In all honesty though, I would go and meet her. Sus her out and see how you feel about her. She might drop good vibes, might be a good person and she may not be trying to interfere or be anything to worry about. Meet with her if you have the strength and see how you feel after that. She may be apologetic or explain things, answer your questions and you may find yourself more open to this situation. What do you have to lose?
Beautiful response ❤️
I'm finding all of these 'the child isn't at fault here' responses a bit high and mighty. Can you imagine having your partner have a child to someone else, while you were together. It would be heartbreaking. Very awkward to explain and would bring up so many emotions. This lady is allowed to feel them and no wonder she is, honestly!
But, I think there are two ways this can play out. If you can accept a step child, You can accept this child just the same. She is his from a time that you have both moved on from. As long as you're both in adifferen place now, once you get to know the child it will be a positive in your life.
Or - he's still a dog, can't handle situations maturely, you don't trust him, the child throws distrust and bad memories in your face and the ex does things that encourage that, not alleviate it with you. Which is what I'm reading. He's making choices about sleepovers with the mother without including you and just telling you to deal with it or not. Seems he has the idea that it's not up to you, which is True (about the child) but if he wants a relationship with you he needs to handle this very tactfully and be a lot more supportive of the heartache this is bringing up for you. When you're dealing with overcoming cheating, there's really only so much you can take, if the pain is ongoing and he's not handling it well, you need to see those signs for what they are, and you need to draw a line for your own happiness somewhere, and that's ok to do. If you're looking after yourself, getting out if something that is causing you pain, there's a good chance it's the right thing for you.
Thank you- you’ve Put that very well.
It is heartbreaking where my husband to be had a baby with someone from a one night. People can be so judgemental because there’s a baby involved. I’m sorry but this baby’s happiness lies on her mother’s responsibility not mine.
In response to what you said- my fiancé is doing just that. He’s pretty much said I want you in my life but you have to accept me with his child if not leave. He hasn’t for a second taken into consideration what I’m feeling or what this child represents to me and all he’s concerned about st the moment is playing happy families with this woman he supposedly “hated” only a few months ago.
I’m at a loss and I’m hurt. This child will go on to have a good life etc etc but mine has just been ruined so excuse me for not being all loving to this child ( I’m not blaming th child though).
I really feel for you. There is so many layers to it, Im really hearing that youve been blindsided by his sudden change of heart, he hasn't involved you. And with a woman he cheated with of course that scares you. I can understand where you're coming from. Honestly if youre onthe outsideand just told to accept him for what it is or not then its pretty impossible for you to get on board with that. your heart deserves care and respect and protection, thats not too much to expect from a man youre going to marry.
Communicate that with him, and I hope he changes the way hes going about this with involving and respecting you.
Thank you so much for your kind words.
He gets angry at me. He gets angry why I can’t just accept him with this child. He has just left me to deal with the broken pieces and not made any effort. I’ve lost my best friend, my fiancé, my home, my wedding and my children all at once. It’s all been taken away from me and I’ve been left to pick up the pieces. I can’t even describe the pain I’m in. I’ve cried everyday for the last 2 months.
I appreciate all the comments and the Advice even from those who say I’m messed up for not wanting my fiancé to have anything to do with this child and my fiancé. When she was pregnant he said he didn’t want the baby and she insisted she didn’t want him to have anything to do with this child- now all she asks for is money. So before people judge me for being bitter and angry at everyone put yourself in my shoes first..:
It would be an absolutely heartbreaking situation for you, which i think is why i felt for you when people had fact-like opinions not compassion, it doesnt help when your heart is broken. Its clear you have a kind heart as youre still there when many already wouldn't be, but you need to take care of yourself as well.
I hope you realise how big this is, its a life defining situation, however it works out it will be one of those things you wont forget you went through.
You could benefit from seeing a psychologist just for yourself. They have such a great way of putting things to help you organise your thoughts and work through it one way or another instead of just being stuck and struggling with it all yourself.
Be kind to yourself xxx
The fact that you are responding to every comment that sympathises with you and ignoring most or all comments sympathising with the child just goes to show that you have already made your decision so why are you here? Leave him because its clear you want to, why seek validation from randoms? It also shows how immature and selfish you are being.
THE. CHILD. IS. NOT. AT. FAULT.
There is nothing "high and mighty" about saying that either. Regardless of who is responsible for it, you need to grow up and let go of the resentment you hold towards that poor toddler that never had a choice. Lay blame with the people that DID have a choice. Either accept him with the child or leave. Simple, and I say that because they are the only two choices he has given you.
Now im not telling you how you should feel because I dont doubt for a second that its probably brought you near rockbottom and heartbreaking probably doesnt come close but you are laying blame on the child for taking your partner away from you, whether you agree or not. Read your comments.
Just leave because at the end of the day she is his blood and he will aaaaalways choose her over you, remember that. Save yourself more hurt.
You’re a bit of a bitch
Whilst this could definitely be more tactful.... It has valid points....
At no point have I blamed the child. I couldn’t care less about that child.
Two years ago when she got pregnant he said to her I don’t want this child, I don’t want kids with you. She insisted she didn’t want him to have anything to do with the child. When she was born I told him to go off and do what he needs to do. The mother once again didn’t want him to have anything to do with the child. So as far as I’m concerned the responsibility of this child lies with the mother! She decided she was going to raise this child on her own. End of.
Now why would I want my family mixed with her and her daughter. I’m not seeking validation from anyone - I am a strong, independent woman. I am a surgeon and I don’t need a man.
I was simply asking for peoples opinion because I am hurt and I am at a loss. I met this guy when I was 23 and I’ve never been with anyone else and of course I love him. I was pregnant with his child too so this cuts a lot deeper.
The bottom line is I’m happy for him to pay for her but I don’t want her mixing with me or my family. And you could say what you wish about that, I’m not seeking approval I’m simply stating how I feel. I believe children should come out of two people caring for each other. How am I going to tell my kids in the future “oh this is your half sister your father had a one night stand”. Whereas I don’t disagree with one night stands, kids coming from a one night stand is a different thing altogether and I would never want to expose my children into thinking that kind of behaviour is safe, because it’s not.
You sound so angry that you can't think of anyone but yourself. I hope you can heal over time. It's a crappy situation but I think you are losing perspective on what's important at the end of the day. Easy to do in situations like this though....
You sound like you live in a little bubble, where you’re high above everyone else because you’re a surgeon. You need to live a bit, get out in the real world where shit happens. I guarantee you that life never goes to plan, there’s always twists and turns, people make mistakes, change their minds, do irrational stuff, because we are all human after all. You said it all in your second sentence, I couldn’t care less about this child, that is blatantly clear.
This little person is half of the man you claim to love, she is a part of him, don’t you want to get to know him/her? If you were willing to forgive this man two years ago, what has changed now, since the child you couldn’t care less about came along? You have this vision in your head of the perfect life, you’re blaming everyone else except the person who deserves it, the man who claims to love you and fucked another woman without protection. I don’t have to tell you about the fact that he also endangered your own sexual health, without any regard for you. You probably only know about this one because she got pregnant, how many more are there? Remember, no outsider did this to you, the man you love did it when he went behind your back and slept with another woman. You sound incredibly immature and I hope you walk away because you are an evil step mother in the making. You, my friend, are one day going to fall off your moral high horse and I hope it makes you gain some insight and get some empathy. You are able to shut out a little child, leave it fatherless so your picture perfect life remains unchanged. I shudder to think that there are medical staff walking throughout out healthcare system with your lack of compassion and incredibly narrow minded and judgemental attitude.
At no point you have the right to comment on my profession as a surgeon- I am a cancer surgeon and compassion and looking after people that need it are what makes me the surgeon I am today- I wouldn’t be able to do this job as well as I do if I wasn’t. So I would suggest you keep your judgemental views to yourself about that and if you are unable to help me with your comments do me a favour and don’t type at all.
I’m in no high horse- my profession doesn’t make me better than anyone else and if you are able to read properly none of my sentences reflect that I’m the post above.
I agree, the person that did this to me is my fiancé and I also agree that he has endangered my life by having unprotected intercourse- you’re correct in both accounts.
But how dare you say I’m an evil step mother to be just because I don’t want to be a step mother to a child which unfortunately to me as a human being represents cheating and betrayal? How dare you belittle My pain when you have no clue what I’m going through? You have no right whatsoever.
It is my right not to want this child in my life and you have no right to comment on how I feel. I’ve never thought my life would be perfect. If this child was from a previous healthy relationship of my partners I would be happy to have this child in my life. However that’s not the case and her mother will probably raise her the same. Her grandmother had her mother as a one night stand and then her mother had this child as a one night stand. I’m not going to allow this child’s background affect my children in the future. And once again that is my right to feel and think that way and you for a second can’t sit there and judge me when you have no clue what I’m going through.
Throwing more dirt on an innocent child and I felt so much sympathy for you at the beginning, however, your further comments say more about you than your cheating fiancé. Believe me, a relationship break up with a man you have no children with is not the end of the world. Having an ill child, watching them go through multiple surgeries, procedures every second day, being left by your husband, with no emotional support, there’s so much worse that can happen. Move on, find a man with no baggage that fits into your perfect picture, within the same socio economic status, with the same morals in life and you will forget you ever met that man. Good luck to you, I hope your life is smooth sailing from here on, the first cut is always the deepest, you’ll get over your first love, most of us do.
Scroll up a few stories and read the question.....how do I not blow my brains out?
I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that. I’m dealing with my own version of the pain but doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate there’s worse out there. I’m simply trying to keep my head of out the water without depression and misery completely taking over me.