My son was involved in an incident at school that is causing backlash from his peer group.
It is VERY important that all of the FACTS are understood by the adults who are about to read this.
This happened at school. The incident came to light on a Friday afternoon AFTER school had finished for the day so the kids involved were completely unaware it was about to blow up.
A girl in my sons grade asked him and a few of his friends if they wanted to see her boobs. The boys present said yes. My son then asked if he could suck them. The girl gave permission for him to do it. (Please do not underestimate my approach to the issue of consent - before my husband and I did anything at all, we made sure that she had willingly consented to this. It was the MOST important thing about this whole situation to us. It came in above our sons well being. The School were also vigilant in this area and my son was not in contact with the girl either in person or online - I have a 19 year old who extensively searched all of his online history with me to confirm that he had not contacted her to discuss this situation. I mention this to be clear that nobody attempted to coerce this girl into saying she consented when in fact she didn’t.)
Punishments and long conversations have taken place. However, my son is now the subject of many online chats where he is being called a rapist, a sex offender, that he committed sexual assault and that he is a pedophile.
I think that what he did was completely inappropriate, but given his age, I also understand he is starting to have thoughts, feelings and urges in this area.
This is making him extremely anxious and he does not want to go back to school. Whilst I am aware that this sort of thing is bound to get a reaction, and my instinct is to tell him to ignore it as he knows the truth, I’m not the one who has to face this stuff every day. How do I help him through this?
11 Replies
How old is he?
You need to go further than consent. Situation, location, being in public, others present, a group of boys?? All these factors sway the consent. You do something like that in public at school, there will be serious repercussions, people are going to have opinions.
Maybe give him the right terminology so he can reject it once and for all and move on.
" no it was none of those things. It was a sexual act. It was consensual. It was a terrible choice. It was disrespectful to the girl involved. I will never do aything like that again.
Schools can be toxic places. Telling him to ignore it will not help (I remember that was advice from my mother in dealing with bullies). Take out formal complaints with the school on the bullying treatment and slander that is going on. Document it if you can. Get him off social media if possible to allow it to settle. Last resort is to withdraw from the school, and enter him elsewhere. I'm sure he learnt his lesson.
I would be largely inclined to move schools. This won’t be left alone and if he remains there this could really get blown out of proportion.
How did his day go yesterday?
My child had something happen on the way home from school involving a boy being quite gross to her and another female. It went around the school that my daughter said something that didn’t happen so half the school was supporting her and being horrible to the guy and Half the school was being nasty to my child. This boy got into trouble at school for what he actually said and then when all this rubbish online bullying name calling happen the school shut it down fast. They suspended a few ppl warning letters and just warnings went around.
I’m sure 99% of you judging have done something stupid in your life. I know I have. Luckily we were all before technically and social media took over. If they are late teens and she has consented then it’ll blow over. The kids calling him those names need to be spoken to by the school ASAP and put in place it won’t be tolerated. Ppl are making it out more than it is. He’s not a Sex offender nor rapist. Why doesn’t anyone mention the girl for asking who wants to see her boobs? I’m sure as hell my daughters father would have a lot to say. As soon as a male is involved it’s instantly his fault, instantly rape, non consensual etc
Get him off social media!!!!
Why is this girl exposing herself at school. If your son is underage then she is showing him child pornography. Why is he in trouble when it's obvious she's the one in the wrong. Girls need to be accountable for the actions as well.
Really? Child pornography? Come on! Pretty sure that was not her intention. Two kids were being kids and pushing boundaries. She did the wrong thing and exposed herself. He did the wrong thing and touched her. To think the girl isn't also suffering from some serious ramifications herself is naive. Both kids need some counselling and guidance about what is and isn't appropriate behaviour.
I feel so bad for all involved! I understand what its like to be a young girl seeking out unhealthy male attention. I also have a son.
If I were you I would try to view the situation as a massive learning opportunity for your son. Its dumb that there is backlash, but it will not last forever. But he will always be certain of making the right choice in the future and to be honest thats not a bad thing.
We can do all the right stuff as a parent and our kids can still make crappy choices. Support him, educate him, teach him that these are consequences of his actions. Its an important thing to learn growing up, consequences don't always match the actions, we could do something small and the consequences may be huge, or the other way around.
I would also speak to the school about your expectations on how they handle the slander. Or look in to changing schools.
All the best, I bet you are a great mum. Its obvious in the way you speak x
Congratulations mum and dad! I am loving that you have spoken to him and verified with him what happened, but question, why would you seek a sibling to check on his previous dealings with said female and why the punishment? Sexual curiosity and teenagers has been around forever and is certainly not something that needs punishment but more so education. As for the school and peer group stuff, obviously more has happened than what you have said or the girl has accused him of wrongdoing. I would be setting up a meeting with the principal and discussing the incident with him/her and protecting your son. Regardless of if you are disappointed or angry with him, if he is innocent and consent was given, then stand with him, ask him what he thinks is the best outcome for him and how you can help him achieve that.