I met a beautiful man 10 months ago. We are the same age and have so much fun together. I have 3 kids and dont want more. He doesnt have any and says he doesnt want any either so we are on the same page. We are both divorced. The thing is, he has advanced kidney disease. He is about to go on dialysis. We don't live together and havent gotten to that stage. We have tried to break up before, he was struggling with his health and didnt feel like he could be the person he wants to be mostly for my kids and putting them through loss if we got serious, and he didnt get kidney donation. Has anyone experienced something like this? Supported someone through dialysis. Or even donated a kidney (he hasnt asked but its constantly on my mind). Am i being selfish to my children for staying in this? Would love to hear thoughts and experiences - my loving heart and logical brain are clashing.
67 Replies
He deserves love and you deserve to be loved and that is all that matters. Yes it’s hard but I think you would need to take it day by day and support him. Is he on a donor list? I hope he gets the transplant that he needs. My relative had a transplant due to kidney failure from Diabetes. Hang in there & hope a miracle comes his way. You can still enjoy each others love and company. Keep your kids seperate as much as you can, so they don’t feel all this on them and have mum full time without your attention on his illness so much. Try and seperate the 2. Take it by day. I’m sure he already feels awful but he deserves to be loved and supported and so do you.
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Donating a kidney impairs your health and life expectancy, so as generous as it would be to him, you'd be robbing your children and future grandchildren of years with you.
Re dialysis, many people function well. However, the majority have excessive fatigue and side effects on their off days too. He may be very unwell all the time... he may do well. You'd need to see how he responds. Individual experiences vary.
I think it is so selfish of him to start a romance in his condition.
I see this not going well for you, a lot of heart break in the future with very little positivity to this experience.
You sound like you're already in too deep and will not walk away so all I can say is, protect your kids. Involve them as little as possible.
I used to be attracted to the broken/sick/tormented and I think it was because I was scared of an equal relationship. Some people like the caregiver role.
It's not healthy and is self-sabotaging behaviour.
Something to consider?
However, I honestly wish you and him good luck and hope he finds a donor soon.
It’s not selfish and I pray to god that if this was one of my kids that they would equally be loved still by someone. She knew when she met him and she obviously took it on. He deserves to be loved too just because he has an illness, doesn’t mean he isn’t worthy of being loved. My relative has gone on to live a happy life with her new kidneys from a donor. I hope this works out well for this couple. She knows it won’t be easy but if you love someone then it’s worth it.
It has nothing to do with being "unworthy".
I once didn't date someone because my life was so hectic with a new full on full time job, plus studying masters.
I once didn't date someone because I had only been single 3 months and had a lot of baggage to sort through.
It's about stopping it before it begins, knowing you can't give them what they deserve at this time.
It's called being selfless and mature.
He could have walked away with a "hey, I find you really interesting and have some major health problems at the moment, but when it's over, can I have your number and give you a call?"
If it was one of my kids, I would want them to focus all their energy on their health, not start a new relationship.
A relationship break up could also affect his ability to fight for his health, I wouldn't want my child having any extra complications at this time.
She's also a single mum with kids to care for.
He knows that.
Does anyone put the needs of others over their own these days?
There's also the very real risk that she supports him through this and he, either consciously or subconsciously, knows she isn't the one for him but uses her as a distraction/someone to love him/thinks he might die alone/is desperate.
Guess what happens if he gets better?
My answer would obviously be different if they were lifelong friends who just got together etc.
Yeah it shows a lack of respect for her as a single parent bringing all this into her life. He shouldn’t put this on you at all, let alone ever even consider letting you give a kidney, but something tells me he will.
Don’t tell me love doesn’t choose, you’re a grown up and a single parent, it’s your responsibility to make the proper decisions. You and your kids come first, always.
She already said he broke up with her once before. He did what he thought was right and obviously their love and care for each other is there and brought them back together. It is what it is. If she keeps her kids at a distance so they don’t get too attached them why shouldn’t she continue to have fun with this man while they can.
I also agree on her not giving the kidney. He will be on a donor list. They can still be together though why not.
"FUN"....what a strange word to use.....
If things go badly....
Because of the extreme PAIN it will cause her if he dies, which could have been avoided if he just kept walking.
It could be slow and VERY PAINFUL.
Have you watched a loved one die?
He may as well have opened the gates of hell to her and asked her to enter.
Because she may end up in a full on caregiving role to a man she has known less than a year.
All her emotional and physical energy directed to a man she barely knows, out of guilt.
She can't walk away if it gets too much because the guilt will eat her alive.
She doesn't even know his true character and who he actually is when he isn't sick.
Her children will accompany her on this painful journey.
Instead of being severely burdened by partner, she could be with a man that makes her life easier.
Being a single mum is no walk in the park, I've been one for quite some time.
She deserves someone to support and help her, not bring her pain and suffering.
I'm sure he has a family that will love and support him through this.
Make no mistake, there's nothing FUN about this scenario.
Yes FUN that is what she said!! Omg you people. This man has every right to be loved by her. She obviously adores him as much as he does her. It is what it is, they can’t change it but they can make the most of what they have together. She used the word fun. Good for them 💙
Obviously not 🙄 but those were her words.
The OP has chosen to pursue a relationship with a person with advanced kidney failure.
He is sick, but it's all still romantic and she has her rose coloured honeymoon stage glasses on.
She even says he doesn't want kids.
His condition is irreversible, only a transplant will save him.
Yes, it is fun at the moment, but we can see the train wreck coming.
What is your excuse?
He tried to break up but love kept them together? WHAT?! You have to stop it. You’re a grown up, responsible for your life and your children. There is no fate, no love that can ever be so unstoppable that it takes your mind away, it’s choices. You need to start to ask why these people feel such a need for a romance under this scenario.
Well she only needs to be thinking about herself - why does she feel such a need to be in a relationship that she would choose this. Codependency - she likes to be in the carer role, it must be all very high emotions already less than a year in, she gets to feel like the strong, supportive one? She gets the pity and admiration of others? She has something interesting and real to talk about other than mumlife?
She needs to understand why she wants in on this because someone said it already - if he doesn’t survive she’s putting herself and her kids through hell, if he does then the situation changes and more than likely he won’t want in on it anymore anyway. Imagine going through it all for him to cheat and leave.
This is completely the opposite of a single parent having some fun when they get a chance, de-stressing, letting their hair down.
I agree.
Most people would not have started a relationship with this man, she obviously has issues (whether codependency or just desperate and starved of love/attention).
In fairness, we know nothing about this man's medical history. The OP has been dating him for a year and he is about to begin dialysis. He may have had no kidney dysfunction at all when they began dating. Or at least not discernible. Stage 1 and 2 are basically asymptomatic and many conditions, it they progress to stage 3 when the person begins feeling unwell can deteriorate to stage 4 very quickly. She may have been dating a man with diabetes who was otherwise healthy until quite recently. Also, people can be stage 1 or 2 for multiple decades, so even if he was aware, this deterioration may have been unexpected medically.
There isn't really anything wrong or selfish for them to stay together just because he got sick. I wouldn't leave my husband if a serious medical condition presented. The only thing I'd say would be that she shouldn't reduce her life expectancy and open herself up to chronic illness by donating a kidney to him given he's a BF of 12 months only... it's not fair to her kids.
Also, if the kids aren't super involved with him, she should keep it that way and not move in with him.
It's presumptuous to say he's selfish for beginning to date her 12 months ago though.
It's been 10 months (not a year) and the way it's written, they didn't get some shocking news, she's known all along.
The obvious answer is usually the right one, your medical info is irrelevant.
Also comparing it to your husband getting sick versus dating a stranger, knowing he has advanced kidney disease is ridiculous.
I guess only OP can clarify, but aside from you, we've all made the same assumption.
Exactly! I find it sad that so many people think, they shouldn’t be in a relationship because of this. This poor lady.she must be so thoughtful and caring. She would give this man hope when he probably feels like there is none and give him the will to live and something to fight you. Make his days brighter. They are adults and they can get through this together. She isn’t dumb! She is a person who has fallen in love. Good for her because this man deserves to be loved and enjoy what Quality if life he has, with the person who makes him happy and feels the same way about him.
She obviously has issues? What a thing to say! You have issues to say such a thing.
So, her role in this "relationship" is to give him hope, brighten his day and make him want to live?
That's a lot of pressure.
Of-course she has issues.
Do you think someone with a lot of options or self-worth would enter a relationship with a person who is going to die?
We're all going to die. I personally wouldn't purposefully begin a relationship with someone if he was this ill when they began.... but average life expectancy on dialysis is now up to 10 years with many people living multiple decades. It wasn't long ago that the average was 3 years and those that lived much longer were the exception. Kidney failure prognosis has improved massively in past 2 decades.
Your comments that death is just around the corner and the OP likes being a carer rather than likes him as a person are upsetting and assumptive.
OP, don't give a kidney... it's not fair to your kids... but ignore the mean comments. Only time and self reflection will show whether this relationship is healthy for you.
We're all going to die, I've been waiting for that one or....you could get hit by a bus tomorrow....
I don't think she doesn't like him as a person and that she is just with him to be a caregiver.
I think she has grown to love him very much as a person, but there is something in her that made her pursue this (before she had feelings) where others wouldn't have, given the circumstances.
Whatever that is, I hope she figures it out.
Thank you! Finally someone else with common sense.
Her role in this relationship is like any other relationship. Hope, brighten his day are all part of any relationship. Some of these comments. You obviously haven’t had a family member on dyalsis. Like any medical condition they have their good days and their bad days. No she isn’t his carer, she is his partner.
The only selfish thing on here is the people who believe that she shouldn’t have a relationship with him.
No my love, you are a single mum and your children NEED you. Logical brain has to win here. You can love him but do not give your kidney to someone you’ve just met. If he was family, the rest of your family would say, NO, you cannot do it. Your children have to come first. They are relying on your health. So you have to put yourself first.
As long as you go in with the full knowledge and acceptance that he will likely get very ill and quite possibly die, if you're prepared to go through it & think the good beforehand will outweigh the bad, then go for it.
Keep the kids out of it though. I wouldn't even have them meet him, if you can manage that.
Imagine having people tell you that you shouldn’t be with someone because they have an illness . Wow I’ve read it all now. This is what our society has come to. What a disgrace. This man is worthy of love just like anyone else with an illness. I am shocked that so many people think otherwise.
Or society has become a place where:
A man who knows he's dying, starts a relationship with a vulnerable/lonely single mum who he has just met.
He feels no guilt/remorse in adding additional burden to a woman who is raising three kids alone.
I'll say it AGAIN in case you didn't get it the first time, this has nothing to do with being "worthy" or "deserving" of love.
This is about being an honorable human being with values and even though you're attracted to someone, you keep walking in order to spare them the pain of your illness.
Comprehension is obviously not your strong suit, but someone who is terminally ill, really has no business starting a new relationship with a stranger.
Noone believes breaking up with your partner if they become ill is the right thing to do but starting a relationship when you are already terminally ill, is definitely the wrong thing to do.
Also, he's not sick, he's terminally ill, do you understand the difference?
So terminally I'll that he's still in the planning to begin dialysis stage and may have anywhere from 5 to 30 years left? You are jumping the gun with your assumptions
But what kind of life is that?
She has signed up to a relationship with someone who won't likely ever work, will have little energy to do anything physically with her or the kids, has many limitations.
Have you actually known someone on dialysis or just read the life expectancy per google?
Because the reality is very different and stats don't give the whole picture.
You can't act like advanced kidney disease is nothing, because it is something and far from a "normal" life.
And she signed up to this....
I know many people on dialysis because of my profession. You're right... all of those limitations are common... but other's continue working, enjoying life and cope well with dialysis.
Attacking the OP for having a knee jerk response by considering donating a kidney, and not breaking up with him on the spot because she decides the worst will happen without actually knowing that is atrocious. Give her a beat to process things, realise the risk that she would face if she did that and see how things play out for him.
I'm NOT attacking her and this isn't a knee jerk response, she KNEW from the start.
She CHOSE this.
You just don't seem to be getting it.
As a single mum myself, I just wanted better for her.
Anyway I'm out.
Good luck OP, hopefully everything works out, all the best x
PS How predicable, your job just happens to see people on dialysis regularly, I just knew you would pull that one Dr. Google lol.
I’ve been thinking about this, and it’s not an issue of ‘is he worthy of finding love’ of course he is.
The issue here is, as a single parent, is she in the position to take this on?
So people who have experience being a single mother (as in main or sole carer) will make that decision differently to people who have a husband or people who have been single but share 50/50 and have a large family support when it is their time.
If you have a great life balance and feel you can take this on, then great.
But if you’re a single parent who doesn’t have 50/50, who carries that whole load and responsibility, then this is something so many mothers not in this position just cant understand. And this is why the ones who do are saying a strong no, this is not something you should be adding to your plate. It is selfish because it takes from you when your kids need you to choose things that help and lift you up. It’s ok to choose positive, fun things, lighthearted, low stress, low commitment things. And it’s ok to say you can’t take this on.
Exactly, they just don't get it.
So many people don't "see" single mums.
I know in my family, nobody acknowledges the hardships or offers any additional assistance.
It isn't that they are cruel/mean, they are just in their own world and don't get it or understand it (unless it happens to them of-course).
This mum is raising three kids alone, she deserves someone to ease the burden, not put this incredibly difficult and emotional situation on her.
I honestly wish this man walked away.
I honestly wish she could meet someone who works, is healthy, present, active, helpful and eases her everyday life.
I also wish she had the self-worth to walk away from the beginning.
Really upsets me the attitude that the OP is supposed to give "him" the will to live.
What a heavy burden that she doesn't deserve.
Nothing in her post indicates he is placing this pressure on her or that she thinks she is his reason for living though. In fact, his actions did the opposite by the sounds of it. I'm sure if the OP decides that she can't be in a relationship with him because it's too hard, he'll understand or will be able to get support elsewhere.
I was referring to the attitude of one of the commenters on here, not him.
I think you underestimate extricating yourself from this kind of relationship, especially down the track where she may play a bigger role in his life. Perhaps assisting in activities of daily living, like driving him to appointments, cooking for him etc.
Anyhoo, that's up to OP.
Really upsets me that you clowns think that someone on dyalsis shouldn’t be in a relationship. What a load of crap!
We are not discussing him at all, stay with us here, as this is not about him. But it’s fun that you’re considering him and not her at all, it shows!
She may not quite understand what you mean lol but YESSSSSS, I was thinking the same.
It's all about what HE deserves.
That's all this woman cares about.
He's sick, he should be loved blah blah.
We care about what the OP deserves.
They both deserve love. Also she really isn’t going to listen to anyone on here and she will go with her heart in the end. I don’t think it matters what any of us think. It’s not all about him at all. It’s about both of them.
Do it.
Not the kidney bit, don't do that, but the relationship bit. Do it.
You can hear every self righteous opinion under the sun but what really matters is just the 5 of you.
People deal with heartache of losing loved ones everyday. You ask any one of them, even in the depths of grief, and most would not have chosen to not love that person in the first place. It'd be a selfish person indeed to say otherwise.
Do it, let it play out. Maybe it'll be all you want it to be. Maybe the honeymoon period will wear off and you realise he's not the one. Bung kidney or no bung kidney.
The adult equivalent answer to a teenager saying YOLO.
I'm sure the majority of those people losing loved ones had many positive experiences with them before going through that trauma....
My kids had an absolutely shit time when I went through grief. Of course going through that impacts your children. It lasted quite a while too, they did not deserve that and I would never choose it for them.