NSW. I am quite dumbfounded here, my 17 old DD has been dating a boy for 6+ months. My daughter IS NOT PREGNANT - this arose as a hypothetical scenario.
She has been on the pill for 4 months, pays for it herself, is driven to succeed at school and beyond. Very high achiever and alrounder.
We invited his family over for a party to meet them. They cornered me and asked our religious stance in relation to abortion… they told me that they would insist on an abortion should my daughter get pregnant, even take it to the high courts.
I felt very intimidated and simply said I doubted my very maternal girl would ever consent to an abortion and we would support her. The mother got quite agitated and said that there would be no way a birth would happen, they would not allow that! My daughter is a “risk to her family because she has a vagina” and they needed to make it clear up front their intentions.
I was shell shocked. I told my daughter after they left. The next day the boy said he would support his parents… DD told him she needed space to process and suddenly he is not supportive of the parents now… 🤷♀️🤯 she is in love…
My DD researched loss of fertility post abortions and the success rate of the reversal of vasectomy - very similar. She told said boy to get a one! (It obviously didn’t go down well) So proud of her 😂
*We know it is a criminal act to force someone into a medical procedure they do not consent to. *
Hit me with your thoughts and where to go from here.
21 Replies
Firstly I wouldn’t be socialising with my child’s boyfriends parents. They sound toxic and bizarre. But I also think it’s odd you had them around for dinner, so perhaps they think you and York daughter are moving things too fast, so they are warning you in a bizarre toxic way, that they don’t see this relationship as serious or long term, and not to try and make it so.
I’d be focusing on making sure she understands what healthy relationships look like. Making sure she has strong self esteem. Don’t tell her to stop seeing the boy (cause we know how that goes) but I certainly wouldn’t encourage it. Be supportive when they break up. Don’t encourage her to ‘work it out with him’.
What a family to join into..... I wouldn't be telling my son how to deal with an unplanned pregnancy. I'd fully support a pregnancy. It's not my sperm, not my uterus.
Honestly, since she's not actually pregnant and that was basically just a weird rant I would ignore it. Obviously your daughter has the confidence to not be forced to do anything and their high court threat is hilarious. What court would order an abortion? They are nut jobs. But also it's not her boyfriend's fault. He has been raised watching this behaviour so it would be his normal. There's no need to intervene if he's not doing anything wrong.
I wouldn't give it a second thought. There's no legal precedent and if it ever got to the high court, the foetus in question would be a walking and talking child lol. What idiots.
Having said that, I'd be encouraging my child to back away from the crazy. Not a family I'd want in my life....
Just thought I would add that I had 2 abortions before I had my kids and went on to have 4 healthy pregnancies in 5 years, then a fifth at 38 from having sex once in my cycle so no issues with fertility here.
I also had an abortion when I was a teen then went on to have two healthy babies with no issues conceiving at age 37 and 39.
His parents sound like nut jobs! Imagine thinking that going to the high courts to force an abortion on someone was actually a possibility 😂
Even worse, imagine being a guest in someone's home for the very first time and telling them that their daughter is a liability because she has a vagina and that if she ever became pregnant they'd be willing to go to barbaric, criminal levels to ensure a birth doesn't happen. Like, what?! Who in their right mind would ever....
I can understand unplanned teen pregnancy being a concern and had they bought that up in a respectful and civilised way, I'm sure you all could have discussed it like adults but what they did, particularly the mother's aggressive approach, was totally unacceptable and I really hope you know this so in future you can advocate for your daughter and for yourself. Because the second I realised this was a serious conversation these people would have unceremoniously been shown the fucking door if this occurred in my house!
Going forward though - I would maintain absolutely no unnecessary contact with these people again. Keep having those discussions with your daughter about consent, safe sex, healthy and respectful relationships and knowing her worth. Chances are this teen romance won't be a permanent thing anyway but I'd also have a chat with her about being careful who she ties herself to. Does she want people like this to be her in laws and grandparents to her future children?
As a boy mum, this is a terrifying situation. That really the Boy has no power/control. You and your daughter hold all the cards once a woman has conceived.
This is a great conversation starter for you and your daughter. You can talk about why at such a young age it would be difficult navigating careers, finances etc. you can also explore the positives and the responsibilities.
As a women who has had two abortions and gone onto have 2 happy healthy children. I understand the torment of the decision for the female.
Going forward for my son - it would be imperative he understands all of the emotion implications of these types of decision for his girlfriend as well as himself! I would also be making sure my son used protection. His part of the decision ends with his choice to be vigilant with contraception. So I would make sure that now he knows your daughter would keep a child that he either abstain or be responsible (which he should be anyway).
For my daughter - I think it is important for her to understand all of the sides to this situation. She also now understands the possible in laws she will have to deal with and can choose to end the relationship now or move forward.
Threatening high court… I mean “tell them they’re dreaming”.. or are they extremely wealthy! The baby would be born before the court case.
Do these type of people really exist!
Just to add. This is likely to change the dynamic of their relationship so without directly banning them from seeing each other I think the parents have sabotaged the relationship.
These kinds of people do exist unfortunately.
My dads parents were convinced that my mum baby trapped my dad for his money. My dad didn’t have any money, His parents didn’t have any money. My mum was earning more than my dad at the time. My mum certainly didn’t baby trap him. Anyway they are still married.
If the parents are so worried they need to be talking to there son about condoms! Wether his girlfriend is on the pill or not, they should be using condoms too.
Great point that they’ve sabotaged his relationships. Who would stay knowing those are your in laws. He needs to also see how wrong they are.
I think men should get a choice, not to force anyone into having an abortion or keeping it, but a choice to hand in any rights or responsibilities for a child. As long as it was done in the same time frame as an abortion, couldn't just decide 6 months in they don't want it, and if they already have previous children or are in a long term relationship they shouldn't get to decide not to have it either. Only for short term relationships, casual sex etc. That's where I think it becomes really unfair you hear of women having babies to their fuck buddy and wonder why they don't want anything to do with their child, if women get a choice in these situations then so should men.
That’s an odd view. You hear of women having babies and wondering? Those men have the babies too, I do wonder how you could not want anything to do with your own child. And they do get a choice, look at the amount exercising it!
They don't get a choice in their responsibilities, they still have to pay child support. I don't think it's an odd view to allow both parents to decide if they want the child. The father doesn't get a choice.
Hi there, I am the poster - thank you for your great feedback and insight on so many levels.
Sadly, yes she was serious - so serious that she was getting heated and her hubby actually kicked under the table, to which she kicked him back! (I nearly laughed at that stage).
Gross people. They need to learn that’s not how the world works. And take the time to make sure the boy understands it - sounds like he hasn’t had the truth told to him, but once he spreads his seed, that decision is out of his hands.
Umm that’s weird! Weird that she isn’t even pregnant and they are thinking like this.
If your daughter is taking the pill, maybe he should wear a condom if they are sexually active. And IF your daughter was to fall pregnant then that is up to her to keep the baby or not.. not them. What is the high court going to do? No one can force her to have an abortion because his parents want her to.. that’s just crazy!
Stay away from this freak of a family.
Maybe the son should get a vasectomy if the parents don’t want him to breed. Or maybe they should keep their son to keep his penis in his pants
He did not like the option of getting a vasectomy ironically.
Poster here - thanks so much the validation and advise.
The plot continues as my daughter has reacted to this threat and taken it up with the lad, who then asked his mother what was said... she has claimed that mention of court is just a fragment of my imagination and telling him that I am trying to sabotage their relationship! My daughter has her eyes wide open now, she knows I could not make this crap up!
However... She is still in a relationship with the lad, not his parents and is not budging on that.
Oh my she is dangerous!
Very manipulative! This will be a hard battle. She will continue to stir but plead innocence.
I wish your daughter luck. Hopefully she can distance herself from her mother in law.
It is also important to consider the lads feelings here too.
He won’t realise his mum is a monster.
He also legitimately may not want to be a dad yet. Which is ok too, doesn’t make him a monster. It is however up to him to use contraception, and not rely on the girl to be in the pill.