Hi mums
I have a complex issue at the moment and I really need advice because my daughter (15) doesn’t want me sharing her information with anyone. She has said I’m her safe space and if I shared she wouldn’t be able to trust me. I need a safe place too but I understand her feelings so I’m stuck, so I thought anon post here could help me to get it off my chest and ask for some advice because this mumma is really struggling emotionally.
So she started dating BF in January and he’s her first to have sexual relationship with. Overall he’s lovely but I’m seeing and hearing things from her that are worrying me.
He tells her not to tell me things like when they fight. 1 day they came home and he told her act normal like nothing wrong. He also told her not to tell me that are sexually active. My daughter tells me everything and he’s telling her don’t. She has spoken up to him and says mum is my safe space etc but he says oh she won’t like me blah blah. I think he is slowly convincing her to not tell me as yesterday she was upset but refused to tell me what happened. We have had deep conversations about his expectations and she knows what he is doing is wrong but says oh I shouldn’t say this as you won’t like him and I’m bagging him out.
With teenagers the more you say no and push the subject they begin to shut you down and don’t want to speak.
I wait for her to open conversation so I can talk openly and we have a few times but I’m so so worried he will eventually get her to not tell me anything and she won’t have anyone to support her.
I asked her this morning about yesterday and she told me to stop talking about it so I really can’t keep asking or I’ll push her away. I’m a single mum and she hates her dad and I just really need help , please any advice right now would be good. 😭
6 Replies
She sounds like an immature 15 year old, as most are, she probably shouldn't be in a sexually active relationship.
I would support her, but also be the mum.
I would start putting boundaries in how often she sees him and also enforce phone free time in the home.
I wouldn't stop her seeing him altogether, but limit access a bit.
I think it is normal for a teenage boy to not want his gf talking about their sex life to her mum, how embarrassing and most would know mum wouldn't be happy about it, as she's 15
Same goes with fights.
I would encourage her to keep being open with you, but I think it's inevitable if she's in a serious relationship, she will stop telling you every detail.
15 is so young to be in such a serious relationship, I've tried to tell my kids that their focus needs to be school/activities and leave the serious stuff until you're older.
I wouldn't like any of this at that age.
I know it's hard though, teens want what they want.
Good luck, I feel you, very hard situation.
Also, you can't freak out and need to know every detail of every fight they have, they're teens, it's going to be up and down, you need to take a step back emotionally. It's going to be a rocky road so strap yourself in, you can't let the status of a teen romance rule your life.
You've got this IM.
Wait for the breakup and drama, you need your strength for that :)
Give her the info on controlling behaviours. They isolate, they get in the between relationships and cut off the important people.
Model to her knowing your trusted people, and valuing them regardless of what new people think. Let her know you might not like him, but it’s not your relationship, you are there as her mum for her to sound things off and make her own decisions. He’s cutting her off from being able to do that, and that’s not healthy.
Tell her domestic violence starts like this and isolation. Get her some Pamphlets and leave them lying around in the house. Or pamphlets on control or abuse. Let her read them herself without you telling her.
Continue to reinforce to her that she can tell you anything, and that no one else needs to know that she’s spoken to you. It could be worth you seeking some counseling to discuss your concerns with, so that you’re able to continue support your daughter. You tell your daughter that she sees you as her safe space, and that you need a safe space to discuss any concerns you have about life. If she happens to come up in conversation, the counsellor is bound by confidentiality and can’t discuss your conversations with others. If she complains about it give her the choice of who you talk to, a professional bound by confidentiality or your best friend or family member who could then discuss the conversation with multiple other people. If she doesn’t want to discuss things with you, suggest to her that she speaks to a counsellor. They should be able to guide her to see the potential red flags in her relationship, without you ending up as the bad guy.
I think I understand what her boyfriend is saying if I was 15 I wouldn't want my boyfriend running to tell his mum everything about my relationship. I hope its only because he is embarrassed and not trying to isolate her obviously, but as you said he is a lovely boy.. Maybe his parents aren't as cool or understanding as you and he is worried about the oversharing and sexual details of their relationship. Remember the information and details she is telling you are also his!
It does sound like you and your daughter have an amazing bond! She must know you are a safe place and possibly didn't want to tell you why she was upset because it was a stupid teenage fight?! Obviously keep an eye on it, but maybe don't read to much into it yet?