So my daughter has come to me and told me that my little sister told her something that happened a few months ago. She said her bf has been really controlling and when they were having sex she told him it hurt and to stop and when he didn’t she started crying. I have told my mum the story and she said she has spoken with her and that my sister still wants to stay with him. I feel like this is not right. My mum hasn’t even told my dad because she’s scared of what he will do? I feel like my dad should know 100%. I need some advice. She is 17 and he is 19.
Edit - dad is reactive and will get himself into trouble or force her to go to the police. He doesn’t even know they are having sex. When my sister tried leaving that day, he slammed the door and took her things and said stay I’m sorry something came over me, and I couldn’t stop, That sounds crazy to me. At this point none of the males in the family know but I feel like they should and maybe scare this boy abit?
5 Replies
Is your dad reactive?
If he's likely to get himself locked up then I'd be wary of telling him yet.
At 17 you'll be up against that 'first love BS'.
Keep building her up. In time she'll get it.
Speak to the Police. They can't do anything technically but they might have some advice on local groups your sister can access. And better, if they make a file of the first 'unreported' incident it'll back her up if she does come forward later.
I've just finished watching 'Asking for it' on SBS on Demand. It's an excellent show for everyone to watch, especially your sister.
Around your sister's age I had a similar experience and knew I wouldn't have support (from family as well) and would be judged, called a sl*t by my peers, so didn't report and lived in shame, thinking it was my fault, or wasn't rape because I didn't violently fight back, just said no, over and over. 30 years later it still haunts me.
Don't tell your father without her consent or try to force her to tell him. No one 'deserves' to know. Your sister needs to be guided to understand she absolutely cannot put up with the treatment, and to not stay with him, and to get counselling. There are different services to help. But please don't take the power out of her hands, just support and encourage her to come forward and report or to leave him and tell him what he did was wrong. Otherwise she won't tell anyone next time it happens. Because it will. Her bf thinks it's ok to do this, he'll do it again.
Someone needs to go and stand over this guy. This makes me so angry. She is young to be starting off with a boyfriend like this who is controlling and doing this to her. This will destroy her future. I hope you can get her away from him. I say tell the dad. He needs to know what this guy is like. He deserves to know, just like mum does.
Yes the men in this family need to know. Let them, put some fear in him that they know and will protect her. By not telling them, it’s hiding it more and he will keep going. It will get worse.
You can say you do not like the boyfriend to dad. Say you feel he is controlling and not good for her. Say you feel he does not treat her nicely. That way you have not disclosed anything but dad may pay attention to how she is being treated.