Is it ok to read your Teen's personal Facebook account behind their back, for the following reasons;
1) To watch out for possible cyber dangers and steer them clear (ie. a 'girl' my 14 year old son has never actually met, messaged him from a 'friends' profile (a boy who he has never actually met) asking for a photo of his penis. When my reluctant but titillated son finally sent photo the 'girl' began harassing him for a pic with his face and penis in it. A general discussion of some 'incidents' that has occured to other people that were similar enough to his own situation to prick his ears, followed by an announcement that Id be spot checking Facebook content from then on, saw him instantly delete the message thread and the offender.
2) Get an insight into the life (worries, events, important things, problems, feelings etc) of a teen who is refusing all attempts at talking from the parent and who is noticeably depressed and angry. (Ie. after I split from his Father my son was closed off and hostile and sad. From Facebook I understood his negative feelings towards me and learnt some of his skewed views and was able to touch on them in conversation in such a way that eventually he worked through them. Also I was able to see the reflection of my own mistakes that I was able to correct things I was doing that weren't helping him)
3. To scope what is actually happening when teen is asking to go places that prick the parenting danger alarm (ie. learning which friends he has tried Maurijana with and then scoping what plans they have actually made before permitting him to go to their house for an entire weekend).
4) Keeping an eye on how teen is doing and what is happening when teen is at their other parents house ( ie. worrying that bad things might happen though usually its just the opposite and really kind of painful when the new step mum is taking yummy little treats into his room at night (I'm proud to say I've pretty much stopped this kind of spying altogether for obvious reasons and done my work around said step mum issues)
I think that about covers my confessional. I'm guilty of all of the above. I try to only use it when I have a genuine pressing concern and I am very careful with what I do with the information. But.... Is it ok? Is it a major breach of his trust? A major demonstration of my lack of trust in him? When should a parent give up control or the responsibility to oversee and protect? Am I being manipulative?
I have a friend who knows all the ins and outs of my life and my heart in this matter. And she clearly disapproves though she hasn't said it clearly. A part of me disapproves too.
So what does everyone on here say? Do you do it? Would you do it? Should a parent do it? Should a parent not?
8 Replies
As far as I'm concerned having access to internet at home, on phones and tablets is conditional on knowing all passwords, accounts etc. and all devices should be handed over at a set time at night.
That way the teens and kids know it's not private will never be private etc. so yeah you should be checking accounts but your teen should know they are being checked.
It's about not trusting the other idiots on social media not about trusting your teen. As the teen shows good judgement then you loosen the reigns so to speak
Tough one. But i support you.
I would do the same thing if i thought there was an issue. As long as you only do it occasionally and not for night time entertainment! I dont know how you are getting into his fb account though as i cant even crack my sons phone password!
Yes its risky, but you are not doing anything illegal and i think you already know deep down that if there was an issue you would be straight on there to check it out! Try not to let your friend or anyone else make you feel guilty for how you choose to tackle your teen troubles. As they say 'a worried mum does more investigation than the FBI!'
You are well with in the sort of thing you should be doing. I see it all the time of when your kids get Facebook make sure to check it so that you know if they are getting bullied or any potential predators. You seem pretty onto it, don't worry about your friend, we all have different views on these things I'm on the same view as you she might just see things in a different way.
No I don't think its right. If he finds out this will destroy his trust in you and it's an invasion of privacy. I think you need to continue teaching him about Internet safety and show his cases where it's men behind the other computer pretending to be young girls. If you feel you can't trust him then tell him upfront that you don't want him on it and would like him to delete his FB for a while or he can continue to use it if you are allowed his password and access to his account. If he seems depressed get him to see a therapist. I really think it's important for kids this age to be able to have private conversations with their friends without their parents been able to read it. That's just my opinion I know others don't agree....
I think if you are generally concerned about his wellbeing and given he is only 14 years old, you have every right as a parent to investigate. There's snooping just for the case of being nosey and then there's snooping for a concern for his wellbeing, if it's the latter then I wouldn't feel guilty.
I check my teens accounts & have told him that I will do random checks. I've had discussions about appropriate online behavioir. I say you have every right. He is still a child.
Thank you for all your helpful replies. I can see that both my positive and negative feelings are valid and I will talk to my son about my spot checks again to make sure he understands I am watching. Just to ease some minds, my son and I have spoken about him seeing a therapist when he was very down. He thought about it for awhile but his overall feeling was one of extreme reluctance so I didn't push it but focused on giving him much love anx acceptance and monitored him instead. I'm happy to say his mood is much healthier now, and I hardly ever go on anymore. I think I will avoid watching him around event planning with his friends. I will work on more face to face talking and trust him on this one. He's not a bad kid :) Has his head on compared to what I did :) But I think I'll maintain spot checks for possible predators etc. spot checks on friend lists. And only look deeper if I have serious concerns about something. Overall our communication is much better than when I first started and I must say that it has helped me to know and understand my son.
My mother also checked my diary and I hated her for it. But we had other relationship problems that factored in. So I do understand how the invasion of privacy would feel to him.
This has been very helpful for me. What a great site and wonderful community :)