Not really a question just feeling a little lost and sad and grateful. I am unsure how to tell my story as I don't talk about it often, so please bare with me.
16 years ago I lost my very much wanted and loved son, I was 6.5 months pregnant with him. Due to a car accident I lost him. After the accident I was told if he made it through the next 5 days we will be out of danger and he will pull through. On day 4 I was allowed to go home to my mums for the afternoon as long as I took it super easy. My father carried me to the car and into the lounge room onto the large lounge to lay down and I spent the next 4 hours watching movies with my mum, dad and little sister. About 30 minutes before I was yo return to the hospital I felt him kick, and it was the strongest kick he had given me since the accident. I was so happy. I said to him, "we make it one more day baby boy and we will be fine" I felt the first signs of joy in my heart convinced he would be fine. The next day a Sunday. They tried to find a heart beat, and couldn't. I felt so sick. On the Monday I was taken to have an ultrasound. He was gone. It was the worst moment of my life. My mum and were at work, and my sister at school. I had a nurse beside me, and they had to tell me 3 times I kept saying just check again he can't be. On the third time the nurse took my hand with tears running down her face saying "Sweetheart I'm so so sorry but he is gone" from here on everything to me is a blur, I remember screaming, and my scream still haunts me today, I remember the nurse taking me in her arms as I screamed and cried, her crying got harder as I guess her heart broke too. The next few months are just bits and pieces. I remember having to give birth to him, knowing my little boy would not come out crying, or wanting cuddles, he wouldn't wrap his hand around my finger or open his eyes, I remember thinking all this as I lay there in labour with him, I remember when it was time for him to come I just cried as my mum held me crying, and I begged her to make this all go away, make me wake up, mummy please please take this pain away. It too early for my little boy to be coming. Mum held me and kept saying I'm so sorry baby girl I'm so sorry. That night I had to be sedated. My mum stayed with me in my bed all night and held me in her arms. The following months were very hard, I was in and out of hospital from the trauma and injuries needing a couple of operations still.
In February my mum gave me a photo album. This album is of my children. My daughter and my son. Now both Teenagers. I thought it was the most sweetest thing. In this Album my mother had a section dedicated to my angel, in this section is pages to a diary, mum had kept a record of all of the events that had happened in the days before he passed to the day I moved out of my parents back into as normal of a life it could be. There are details recorded that as I said I don't recall as they are such a blur, one day melded into the next.
I will forever be grateful to my mother for keeping that diary. For recording the events that happened. It is coming up to his 16th birthday in just a few short weeks, and it is getting harder and harder as the day draws near, reading all of what mum wrote, how she felt, what she went through herself having to watch me go through the greatest heart break a mother can face has brought it all back. Its all fresh and so very raw. Last night I had nightmares about it. Usually every year I get a helium balloon, and I cook a my favorite dinner, and dessert, as my gift I spoz to him. This year as it is his 16th I am getting a tattoo with his name and hand and foot prints.
I am so ever grateful to mum for what she did. But also amazed at how this has hit me and how hard it has hit me like it only just happened yesterday. It is so overwhelming. Thanks to you all for reading my story. I don't want to talk about this to anyone as I feel like they all really think I should be over it all by now. Not that I don't have supporting friends etc. They just have so much happening in their lives that they don't need me going on about my angel when they don't all understand how devastating it is. I guess you don't unless you actually go through it.
12 Replies
Oh wow honey, you had me in tears. Sending you a big big cuddle!! Wish I could take your pain away, but he'll be watching over you and your kids proud of everything you've achieved x
I'm in tears too. Sending big hugs and lots of love to you xx
The most beautiful, heartfelt and so unbelievably sad story that I've ever read. My heart goes out to you my darling. You have been through something no parent should have to go through. I think you're so brave and courageous to share something so raw and confronting. Lots of love and a big happy 16th birthday to your angel xoxo
Me too, big hugs to you. Can't imagine what you went through and are still going through.
I know your pain as i too have lost my sweet baby boy (11 years ago) and i think of him every.single.day.
there is a fantastic organisation called 'Bears of Hope' it is dedicated to helping families after the loss of a baby, they have a wonderful facebook page called 'bears of hope parent support group' where mums and dads can talk about their babies without fear, we can openly express out feelings to other people who know exactly how we feel, all the women there are loving and supportive, and we understand that no matter how much time has passed that love and grief are always there. please join, we can listen to you on your bad days and we wont judge you xx
My heart just broke for you xx
Thinking of you. Grieving has no time frame.
My heart sank and tears rolling down my cheeks reading this. Sending you big hugs and know you are very lucky to have a mother that kept a diary for you...
It's been 3 1/2 years for me when my son passed away. I went for my check up at 37 weeks pregnant and everything was fine. 2 hours later when I was home I started bleeding uncontrollably. I passed out after 10 mins and it was the last thing I remember until waking up 2 days later in ICU being told he didn't make it. I had 2 blood clots behind the placenta which were undetected and they erupted resulting in tearing my whole placenta off. I lost 4 1/2 liters of blood and nearly my life. The doctors tried reviving my son for 20mins to no avail. I am grateful my husband had his phone on him at the hospital to take photos of my son. I have never been the same person again. It's like yesterday for me too. I still can't come to terms with losing my first born in such a tragic way that I remember nothing about. His clothes and other items remains untouched in the room. I had to change my bed as its where I started bleeding. I have put up photos and I got a locket made that I wear and doesn't come off and a tattoo of his name. It's easy for people to tell you to move on if they haven't been through it. Losing a child is the worst thing ever and you never get over it. I cry every night still for him.. You stay strong and know you have a precious angel with you always. I don't talk to anyone about it it has made me a depressed person and in fact I can't go out the house much. If you need to talk I'm always open to talk and help if I can. Life is so unfair for some and it always happens to the people who don't deserve it. Reply to my message if you need to talk or can add each other on fb. Again sending you much love to your weeks approaching your son's birthday. I'm deeply sorry. Xxx
Hi, wow thank you for sharing that! I am the original poster of this. What you have been through is horrible. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I am crying so hard that you had to go through that. Yes I agree it changes who you are a a person doesn't it? You will forever have a huge hole that will never be filled. I have photos with Caleb, and a have a necklace that I have had his name engraved and the date he was born. It surprises me how hard it still hits me 16 years later. I had Caleb cremated, and the funeral home put him into this little cherub angel dish. They also did not charge me for him. (I class the cherub as Caleb) I talk to him, tell him about my day and what achievements his sister and brother have achieved. I tell him everything. I have never told anyone that before, because I feel like people just do not want to hear about it. To me it seems like (and it may not but its how I feel) people think heck it was 16 years ago let it go. But I just can't. It is the one thing in my life the dramatically changed who I am as a person, part of me died with him that day. Thank you for sharing and I would love to chat. And be there if you need someone to lean on.
Hi thanks so much for replying back I was hoping you would. Please add me on fb. I can talk to u for hours. We are so similar in how we are treated by people and how we remember our sons. My life changed forever that day in such a complete different person but others don't want to hear it or understand. I get the move on saying and it was meant to be and get over it u have a daughter now. But its not the case with me either. I hope u contact me on fb and send a request I have so much I can talk to u about and we know what its like to loose a child. Like u I've never spoken out like this before as people aren't interested in listening. I am sending u big hugs and our boys Caleb and Liam are watching over us. Please contact me again. Xxx
Hi I would love to add you would be so good to talk to soneine else who knows the pain I feel. No one understands. My partner tries but struggles. How do I add you?
Losing a child is something that you will never get over.. I lost my angel daughter at 2 days of age. Its been 15 years this year and i still think of her every day. Still wonder what she would look like, what her personality would be like. If she would be like her brothers and sisters.