Hi IM’s
This isn’t really a question as such and I’m not even looking for anyone to validate my decision because I think for my son I have handled things the right way, but I would like to hear from other mums who have perhaps taken a similar stance. I guess I’m wanting to know that your son turned out ok and mine will too.
A bit of background. My son is 16 and he honestly is a marvel. I couldn’t be happier with how he is turning out. He’s just finished year 10 with a straight A report. He works part time, and plays a musical instrument. He has never experimented with drugs or alcohol, and he is a huge help around the house.
We have a very open relationship and we always talk about everything……. From a young age, if he asked me a question I always answered openly and honestly in a way that I felt was age appropriate. I have been like this with him as I was raised to believe that anything sexual was yucky, or dirty, and my mother was never forthcoming about reproduction, in fact most of the time she would tell me blatant lies, like ‘babies come from your belly button’. This left me confused, and when I finally learned the truth, I though it must be a bad thing, or why else would it be hidden from me?
My son attends a boys college and he has no contact with girls at all. At his age I was sexually active (and blind to the consequences, leading me to have him when I was only 17), I also dabbled in drugs and alcohol, so I know what a wild teen looks like!
So here is my dilemma. My son watches porn. I’m not sure how often he watches it, but I know he does and we have discussed it at length. We have spoken about how what he sees in pornographic movies is not reality. How real women are not blemish free and hairless, how they have wobbly bits and boobs that are sometimes different sizes, how just like he doesn’t look like the men he sees in those movies and pictures, neither do women. We have talked about how real sex is sometimes awkward and messy and noisy. How most girls will not want to do the kind of things he sees online, and if they do that doesn’t mean they are slutty or should be treated badly.
We have also discussed how porn should never take over his life, how if he does watch it, he shouldn’t watch it excessively, nor should he be thinking about it all of the time, and if either of those things happen, it’s a problem.
I feel like I’ve taken all of the precautions that I can. I don’t want him to feel bad for exploring his sexuality, or for having regular urges. I want him to know that as humans, we have sex and it’s completely normal and most of the time it's lovely. But part of me, I guess the part that was taught sex is bad and dirty, feels like I’ve made a mistake, like I’m going to raise some kind of demented pervert. I don’t feel I can go back on the decisions I’ve made, so I really would love to hear from women who made similar decisions for their sons and feel like it was the right thing for them. I want to know that my son at least has a decent chance of being hopefully a well-rounded adult. I don't have friends with children this age, so I have no one else to as.
Thanks
3 Replies
I think you did awesome. Well done, he isn't ten and he isn't 12 you did great.
I'm sure you have had the discussion but just want to add how important the issue of consent is and including how that relates to sending nude images too. As sending dick pics seems to be a very common occurrence these days. In my experience some guys seem to be unaware that sending them unsolicited is wrong.
I'm not saying I think your lovely boy is doing that, just adding to the conversation.
You know what, I haven't actually discussed consent with him, so I thank you for raising that side of it. Given his personality I have kind of just assumed that he would never to do anything without consent, but knowing the world we live in, I shouldn't assume.
I will definitely put it on my list of things to chat with him about. I'm fairly certain he's not sending anyone any kinds of pictures though. At this point he would struggle to have a decent conversation with a female (he's quite shy around girls as he's not had much to do with them since he started the boys college in year seven) so anything more than that is probably out of the question, lol.
I think you did awesome. I have five sons and you did way better than I did.
You can come talk to mine for me, right?