For 2yrs I've had full care of my niece, mostly because my sister was pursuing her masters in film overseas and would be working weird hours with no one to care for her daughter so she came to me rather then going to boarding school. But also because my sister has a history of instability and, over the last few yrs, has not lived in the same place for more then a few months. She is a very selfish person and the idea of her taking my niece back makes me so uncomfortable. But she is, in about a month. My sister is returning to Australia but will be living in another city. With luck we will see my niece on the school holidays. I know logically that my sister is her mother and has every right but after 2 yrs my husband and I are heartbroken to let her go so far away when she has been in our family for so long now - she's only 6 and has been with us since just before she turned 4. Here she has stability, siblings, boundaries, a healthy lifestyle. Who knows what will happen when she's with my sister? My question is NOT should she go, it's not my right to keep her from her mother. My question is how do we do it? How do we prepare her and our own children for the change? We've got about a month.
Helpful ideas welcome.
How do I let go of a child?
How do I let go of a child?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Loss & Grief, Loss of a Child (My Story), Kids
3 Replies
Approach the mother about the child's stability and routine and bond with your family and the problem with ripping her from that for her. Ask her to consider a share arrangemebt or perhaps she will need to ease into it slowly and ensure the child can keep contact with your family too. Ask her if she's thought about all this and what she proposes. Offer that you're willing to share care until the sister is settled somewhere and the child can then transition. Give her time to think about it before wanting any answers and hopefully she'll think in the best interest of the child.
Oh I just want to give you and that little girl a hug. I have no advice
Personally, if I had my niece full time for so long and the parents weren't willing to allow a shared care arrangement, I'd go to court. And I'd legally have rights.
Any person that has had parental role in a child's life can go to court for access. Usually it's for the day once a month, but you could get more since you've basically been the child's mother.
But if that's not something you're willing to do, perhaps you could try to come to some arrangement where your sister eases her way back into being a full time parent, as it'd be traumatizing for the child to suddenly be thrown into the care of someone she basically doesn't know.
If you were the child's mother/father, and the parent is absent for so long, a court recommends sort of a warm up. Visitation > overnight stays > full weekend > week on/week off > full time.
It's best for both the child and parent so it's not such a shock for either.
That way, both your family and your niece are eased into it. It also allows your sister to see if she will cope being a full time parent.
Who knows? Maybe she'll realize it's too difficult and she'll allow you to have the child full time.
As for dealing with the loss, I have no advice. Just hugs. Lots and lots of hugs.
I hope you get the advice you're after and things work out for all involved. Good luck x