Hi Imperfect Mums!!
Wow! Where do I start!?!? So I have just come in contact with my real dad, after zero contact for 16 years!! He found my younger sister and I on Facebook and inboxed us the same thing, a simple, "hi, I'm your father I would love to hear from you all and I have never stopped loving you". Along with his mobile number.
My younger sister and I have an older brother whom we rang straight away and told him he has found us.
Now I need to add the when my mother took us three kids into hiding it was for a good reason. We believe he had mental health problems. He had kidnapped us kids. Hit my brother Punched my mother in the face and many many other things.
So clearly when we left 16years ago it wasn't on a good note. We have messaged him and said a very brief hello and asked a few questions about him and he has asked a few questions about us, which I replied with, "we just need some time to come to terms with everything and we are very nervous and don't really know what to say" he seemed fine with that and also seems very eager to find out more about us and try and get to know us and for us to get to know him.
Our mother is 110% fine with us contacting him and getting to know him, she understandably wants nothing to do with it though.
We are 99% sure this guy is actually our father but we are waiting for Mum to get home from her holiday so we can show her a pic for confirmation.
So im pretty much asking if any of you out there have been through something like this before and what advice you can give as to expectations and just, yeah... Anything? All three of us are pretty keen on getting to know him. It's just so hard to know how to feel, especially after he was once such a danger to us.
Thanks Mummas! ??
4 Replies
Hi, I was in a similar situation my parents had a toxic relationship for many years as a child my father would come in and out of our lives until about age 9.
Around the age of 16 he tracked us down and made contact but I wasn't interested in a relationship. About a year later he tried again so I let him in my life.
However it was strange and awkward, I called him by his first name and his family didn't like this and pressured me to call him dad.
After a few years we had a falling out and I didn't speak to him for a few months, in this time I had my first child he didn't meet my child until approx 6 months old.
I became ill and he showed up at the hospital, we tried to build a relationship.
I was getting married and was happy for him to attend the day however he wasn't happy I didn't ask him to walk with me down the aisle but I didn't feel this was something her had earned.
This opened up a few cracks in the relationship, and I also started to realise he wasn't in it for me, he was in it for himself.
He never made no effort to see me or my child unless it was on his terms or to his befit and I decided I am worth more then that and so is my child.
I wanted a relationship with him I used to go to his work weekly to have lunch with him.
Ultimately we haven't spoken for a couple of years now because I was left to feel like a pawn in his game and I didn't want to be apart of it.
I really hope your father is in it for the right reason but have your guard up, know what you want from the relationship prior to opening the door. I can only share my experience although not a happy ending as such I am happy with him no longer included in my life but it was something I needed to decide on my own.
All the best :)
I have a little 5 month old baby girl and Iam in hhiding as we speak. My ex didn't want my daughter and tired to make me abort her I refused so he became physically vilont tried to do it him slef. When I finally excaped he decided he wanted her. He started to stalk me told me he just wanted to feel her kick acted like a total creep he only waned to feel her so he could see me. He hasnt made any contact for her since got a new girl and that is that. There is an avo now.
I have been doing a lot of thinkg about the future about if her older half sister will ever contact her if he will ever contact her.
He told me time and time again I was using her as a pawn. But he used his daughter (not mine) as a pawn locked her out of the house when we split and asked me for his spear key to let her in things like that.
I just find these men are manipulative. I'm not saying your dad is but just be very careful. He could be in it for him self only. There was a reasion your mother went into hiding. If he was once a danger to you now he probaby still is. I'm so worried about my baby's dad contacting her one day because I know he does not care about her and will always be a danger to her mentally and I pray not physically because I will know he will tell her how bad I was and that I kept her from him and all that rubbish. Just be very corcous. Good luck honey x
My partner had a simular thing with there father knew who and where he was but no contact for 14 years and then his younger brother started mixing up with him. And the drugs his involved in anyways it had been 16years before my partner started talking to him when we were pregnant with out first born and he came in like a wrecking ball wanting to babysit and control our lives (still trys to 3 years later) his new girlfriend also trying to act mum and there both heavily into drugs so we have now cut contact... we explored the relationship but as soon as he knew it wasnt going to work we took a step back and are now only on facebook friends nothing else
I have trouble connecting with my father because of things he did to my mum. Also how he neglected us children. He has susspected undiagnosed mental health issues. He doesn't seem exactly how he was back then. All I remember is he was quite cold towards me when I wanted his attention and he was busy. In his older age he's trying to reconnect with us. People do change. I'm trying to connect with him but it's hard because all I think of is what he did to my mum. He wanted her to have abortions for all of us and she feared she was always trying to make her miscarriage in suttle ways. He doesn't know I know these things but they hurt me. It will be a hard journey with your dad but remember he could be an OK person to know even if it's hard and makes you want to vomit at the thought of speaking to him