Ok there's a lot of background behind this but I will keep it simple, please no harsh judgements, I'm simply looking for a starting point here.
So my niece has just turned 14 years old. She is absolutely stunning, and has the body of a 20 year old.
Since starting high school, she's definitely realised she is above average in looks, and gets a lot of male attention.
This turned bad when a bit over a year ago, she had naked photos of herself being spread around her school. These were taken by her and sent to people, who have then circulated them, and it ended up being sent to her dad (my bro-in-law). Needless to say, he was absolutely devastated, and tried to talk to her about why she was doing this. She didn't really see an issue with it, explaining that 'everyone did it', in her eyes, it was normal.
Fast forward a year later, and there is now footage out there of her having sex with 2 guys at the same time which happened at her birthday party. She was aware it was being filmed, so knew it would probably end up being spread around.
Her parents don't get along, and are too busy blaming each other about her behaviour to actually do anything. They never stick to any sort of punishment, she always ends up wearing them down.
But for something like this... it's absolutely heartbreaking. She doesn't comprehend just how badly this can impact her future and reputation. I get that this is an average age to start 'exploring' yourself sexually, it was the age I lost my virginity - but the way she is doing what she's doing is not right. But she doesn't see that. She just sees herself as the popular girl who all the boys want. But I really don't think that's the at all - how can u not be embarrassed of ur teachers and parents seeing this sort of thing? Could it be some sort of personality disorder?
I guess at the end of the day, I just want to know if there's anything I can say to her that might actually get through to her, and make her see the damage she causing for herself and family.
How can I help save my niece?
How can I help save my niece?
Posted in:
Teenagers, Dating & Sex
14 Replies
It sounds like a cry for attention. Girl doesn't get appropriate attention at home so seeks it elsewhere. Result 1. Daddy pays attention for a bit. Result part 2. Daddy stops paying attention so girl does something even bigger to get attention!
Yes teens start exploring at this age, but this isn't normal exploring. These are cries for attention.
I'd be reporting to child protective services as this is child pornography. Where were her parents while this party was occurring. There is no way I'd allow a party unsupervised at that age.
It worries me that girls this young are participating in this sort of thing.
The problem with girls receiving so much attention based on their looks is that boys/men stop seeing them as people.
It sounds to me that she hasn't even had a chance to discover her sense of self yet and now she just associates herself as being a sexual object, her self worth is directly linked to how much sexual attention she receives. It's bloody sad! She's never been taught to respect herself and teenagers just don't have the foresight to understand how this stuff can affect them later in life.
To be completely honest her parents need to get their heads out of their arses and actually parent her. She needs boundaries, consequences and more importantly she needs guidance. Even some phycological help. Sometimes parenting teenagers means protecting them from themselves, if they don't know how to help her they need to find someone who does. I'd speak to them very frankly about all this, if they continue to bury their heads you do what you have to do to help her. Report it if you have to!
She's just turned 14, she's still a child, legal issues aside this must already be having a huge impact on her. I'd be willing to bet there's a few underlying issues to cause her to act out like this.
I can guarantee that boys aren't wanting her for her good looks, it's because she's an easy option. It's not a nice thought but it's the truth - she's obviously willing to put out to people with caring about the consequences.
There's not a whole lot you can do, probably if anything ask the school to get someone in to discuss the impacts of these types of things in the future. I know the police do these types of talks - about how it'll affect her getting a job and getting into unis etc.
Her parents need to step up to the plate and set more boundaries. How did she have sex at HER party, what were her parents doing?! I imagine she was drinking too to experiment that far.
At the moment there is nothing to "save". Unfortnetly she has made these choices and can't see the consequences.
So what you need to do it ROLE MODEL!!
Invite her over weekly - like "hey do you want to come hang out one afternoon? Sleep over party or something ?"
Give her a safe place, one that's welcoming, has boundaries and where she gets the attention she craves/enjoys and wants. Be the "cool" Aunty for a while which will help show her she doesn't need to do those things. Show her what embarrassment looks like... talk to her about "a girlfriend I know, her daughter just did this ______ " open lines of communication to openly talk about these things.
Untimely, this is what women's lib has been fighting for "the right to do what I want with my body" and I think once she 'matures' she is going to need you.
Remind her that now she's the girls all the boys want right now, in the future she's going to be the girl all the boys have had and no one of good calibre and with a bright future is going to want her in the end. She'll end up being a teenage mum and by the sounds of it she has no ambition to better herself so the cycle will just continue with her future children.
I am aware I am going to cop some flack for this and I don't care.
Your niece is suffering and is seeking attention in all the wrong places. It's about time her parents stepped up to the plate and did what parents should do. Get her to see a counsellor, ground her and take away her electrical appliances, put bars on her window if they have to. A lock on her door and act like parents. Don't just give in because she's wearing you down. I know what being worn down is like by a 4 year old, I've seen my sister being worn down by her teenagers and in general allowing her daughter to whore herself out for lifts and alcohol however she's never had herself filmed whilst having sex. Don't let her hang out with the people she's hanging with and move her away if you need to. Send her to boarding school if they need to a girls only one where she can't leave. Do something before to change this girl while they can.
I think it's a bit harsh that all these women are taking about how she doesn't respect her self.
I'm only young (25) and was not a teen all that long ago, I too had sexy at 14 very regularly with many different partners. I really got angry when people would lecture me and talk about how men are using me.. it never occurred to people that perhaps I was using them.. women are liberated and have sexual empowerment, that doesn't mean men are using them..
Your niece isn't making good choices.. but I don't really think there is much you can do about it, it will be a hard day when she feels disrespected because all the boys can laugh about how they each have slept with her (this happened to me at a party when I was about 16)
All you can do is try and guide her, talk about having safe sex, talk about how the internet is permenent. Talk about the reality of how men veiw her despite she may feel empowered.. and get her into some couciling..
I would also like to add she will never see the harm in her behaviour until it effects her.. these girls are growing up in a world where video taping sex makes you famous! Look at Kim Kardashian as an example..
Be a friend and a role model for her. Maybe take her to the local police station (after talking to them first) so she can have a chat and understand what her actions can mean for her. Try taking her to a university. Help ger understand that beauty can also come in the form of being smart. Smart is much more beautiful than superficial looks. Give her expectations like a beautiful uni. So many smart and beautiful women there!!
Honestly get her thyroid checked! I was doing very similar things at the exact age and my mum was a lot of issues with me behavior wise and my thyroid was completely out of wack, my gp only stumbled upon it by accident
She is doing it for attention and the fact she's gone so far and people know she probably figures she's got nothing to lose and just more attention to gain. She needs to see someone, someone that will teach her about self worth and dignity. While she probably doesn't care now, she sure as hell will care in a few years. I'd start by taking her to GP and getting referral for a psychologist. It definitely isn't "normal" behaviour even for this day and age. Also have a chat to your local police station they have officers in charge of cyber safety that can come and chat to her and actually explain to her that some of what is happening may be illegal. Good luck!
Some of the advice and other comments are almost as shocking as the story itself. It's not punishment (as such) that she needs, she needs to work on valuing herself and her body and her image. Yes, maybe she could be on her way to developing a personality disorder, but she's very young and vulnerable, and it might just be support and love and quality time with people who genuinely care about her that she needs. Young people do this kind of thing to fill a void in their life - maybe she's feeling loved and wanted for the first time in a while :( Thank you for being a caring Aunty, I hope you can make a positive difference in this girl's life. Definitely need her parents to get on board and see it for what it is - a cry for love and attention. Good luck xo
The consentual age for sex in most states is 16... if these boys are older than her they could actually be charged with statutory rape. Yes she concented but legally she is not at an age where she is allowed too... a conversation with a local female officer by yourself might clarify that and see if shed be happy to talk to your niece... plus she is under age distribution of this is distribution if child pornography... if the school is aware of this thet should have the police out in their classes talking to these kids and the consequences of ALL their actions
So a year ago, at age 12/13, when her dad was in possession of child pornogrophy, of his own daughter, he did nothing??? WTF!!!! Then she's having a threesone at her own birthday party, her FOURTEENTH birthday people!!!
To the people saying this is all too common, um no, just no, it might be common but that doesn't make it right. Happy healthy confident young kids don't act this way.
What are her parents doing about it? Are they talking with the school, the police, psychologists, family therapist, legal advice? I would pull out all stops and help this kid. It's a cry for help, has she been sexually abused? Been above average looking is not a reason for this, there's plenty of attractive girls around that are not acting this way....
Slap these parents into action!
I totally agree - I have a 14yr old daughter, and yes, it is common for them to begin understanding their own sexuality - but seriously, my daughter is a virgin! She certainly doesn't go taking nude photos of herself, nor does she go around having threesomes!! How did we go from valuing our bodies just a generation ago to this - I was 19 when I lost my virginity - something that was fairly common in that era! These parents need help - as does this girl - FAST
Self exploring is normal. Sex is not. I knew a girl like this. She ended up the town slut at 14. Pretty much every guy I know in that group she either had sex with or let them feel her up by the time she was 15 or 16. I instantly lost respect for any guy that was with her coz they were like 16+ when she was 13-14... she slept with friends boyfriends. As I remember not even her brother looked out for her or tried to stop her. If you are the only one this girl has you need to step in. Maybe take custody and move towns. Her parents don't seem to be doing much to help her. She needs to get away from that crowd.