I'll try and keep this one brief. My husband and I have been married for 10 years together 12. He has 2 sons from his previous marriage (17 and 16). I have a great relationship with my stepsons. My husband and I chose to not have children of our own, as frankly I never pictured myself a mother and the boys are more than enough. I have an amazing relationship with my stepsons, their mother and my husband are 100% involved in their lives and patenting, so frankly I am just a great friend and their dad's wife. I always keep my distance when anything regarding their upbringing is concerned both as I prefer and my husband and his ex prefer.
However recently something has occurred which is concerning me and I feel I should bring it to my husband's attention.
I work from home quite regularly, and about a fortnight ago I noticed my eldest SS came home from school during the middle of the day of a week he should be with his mum. I basically ignored that he was home early and figured he wasn't well or had a free day (he is doing his hsc afterall).
However this last week my husband has been away for work, and 2 nights ago I realised that my 17 SS had a girl stay the night (which I ignored) and she stayed again last night. However today I decided to tell my stepson that until his dad and I were discussed girls spending the night, I think it is best his friend go home, to which my SS ignored me, pulled the "not my parent" card and went back to his room. Teenagers will be teenagers and I didn't feel defeated by my stepsons response, so I called my husband, and the only response I got from my husband was "ha ha boys will be boys".
Safe to say so was furious. Yes, I have always taken a backseat to the boys upbringing, but this is also my home I've paid and worked for, I feel I should have a say as to what philandering goes on in it, and secondly, he may be 17, but that is still under 18 and as old fashioned as it may be rules should still apply!
Or am I wrong? I am so confused.. for now I am back minding my own business and my husband is home tomorrow. Any and all insight into this situation is welcome. I don't know what to do. TIA
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9 Replies
It sound like he is taking advantage of 'your not my mum'.
For me personally until your old enough to pay your bills and have your own home you do what I say.
My kids are 3 and 7 so still early times, but I raised my 13 Y/o twins siblings
Tell your hubby and go from there, if he thinks it's okay what more can you do, but def bring it up.
Meh I would prefer he do it in a safe home environment :)
Yeah I feel like he is using the "your not my mum" card to his advantage here. He still needs to be respectful to you nonetheless. I think it's more the fact he was doing this while your husband is away... as to be secretive and then have the control because "you're not his mum".
As for your husbands response, meh. This is probably something he has thought about but obviously not something you've considered yet. You guys just need to have a chat about it. While it's a shock and probably a yucky feeling having an idea of what they might be up to while having "sleep overs" it is by far better to be doing it at home rather then running off to god knows where.
Have a chat to your husband when he gets home. Just say it took your by surprise and you aren't sure how to feel about it as it felt secretive while he was away
I think the fact he didn't discuss this with his dad first is pretty disrespectful all round.
But around that age we were allowed sleep overs. I think the fact it wasn't discussed with you, or he didn't say do you mind if my girlfriend comes to stay, lacks maturity.
I think if his dad is ok with it, then being 17 is ok. Whats not fine is him pulling the not my parent card and ignoring you, you are to be respected and his dad should be reinforcing that. You didnt say never, you said not until his dad has approved. He should have respected and listened. And i would guess his mum says no so hes using his dads house even when hes supposed to be at mums, which is devious as well.
I get that you don't want to take on any parental responsibility but I wouldn't allow them to pull the 'you're not my mum' card, it is still your home too. They need to respect you and i think you do need to have some authority in your own home. You're an adult, he is still a kid.
He should've asked you if you minded if he had his girlfriend over at the very least (or anyone for that matter) simply out of respect, so that's what I would ask of him in future.
As for the sex thing, that is something he should be talking to with his parents about, (Dads boys will be boys attitude is a bit irresponsible though, he needs to have all the appropriate disscussions regarding safety etc.) If they're happy with girls sleeping over then I think you just have to accept it but as I said I think it's reasonable that you're asked or at least notified first.
Can you discuss this when your husband is home and have the rule that sleepovers are only to happen when dad is home? If he's happy for his son to be doing so, good for him, but let him be the parent dealing with it.
It sounds underhanded and disrespectful. It's your home, so you do get a say in what goes on under your roof.
All you adults need to be on the same page. Not this "boys will be boys" bullshit! I'm sure if he had daughters he wouldn't be so cavalier. And does he even know this girl sleeping over with his son? Is she over 16? Do her parents know? Did your husband's ex know where her son was, and why?
I'd be setting down some house rules that both you and hubby agree to, not this fob off rubbish, that's hubby disrespecting you along with his son...
Regardless of living arrangements, we all have to reassess the rules, expectations, boundaries, etc as we enter each new phase of parenthood. This particular stage certainly does challenge our own core beliefs based on our upbringing, so lengthy discussions need to ensue. As a parent of teenagers, I check in with myself constantly. I was brought up by my (now 82 yo) mother who taught us sex before marriage was bad, but then my older brother had girls sleep over (in his makeshift bedroom in the garage) without question but us girls could only ever have our boyfriends sleep over in a separate room. It made sex a taboo and shameful subject/act. I am very open with my kids on this, and any other topic, based on the opposite of how I was raised.
I accept that sex and self pleasure is healthy and normal. I accept that young people will and do have sex.
OMG yes your home first and foremost!! You have a right to feel comfortable in what's happening in it..your SS have always been made to feel like it was their home too so should follow house rules!! I would be MAD also :(