My almost 16 year old daughter has been dating a nice young man for almost 12mths now, recently she told me that they had sex. I have always said they could tell me anything and I am glad she shared it with me but I am struggling. Her bf has recently had a fight with his abusive step dad and he kicked him out and his mother did nothing. He has been living at mates houses on the couch and i recently helped him make a more stable move with a family where he seems happy. He stays with us sometimes on weekends and i guess i have just allowed them to sleep in the same bed as they have already had sex, but I am not sure if I am doing the right thing! They are safe my daughter is on the pill because of bad periods but they also use condoms but hubby says we shouldn't be encouraging it. But i feel its going to happen anyways..anyone else in this position with teenage daughters? I knew it was going to happen sooner or later and i was sexually active at 15 but as a mum it's scary!!!
10 Replies
I think youve done the right thing not letting him move in. Thats not what you want for her.
Im not sure about letting him stay over. Its tricky. I think I would put a limit on it, maybe only on weekends.
I think some firm rules over how many nights he can stay over, in your mind and don’t allow it to pass that point.
I think it’s fantastic you haven’t moved in him, so many parents make this mistake and then they end up trapped in live in relationships they aren’t ready for and can’t break up.
My mum was super strict and yeah I had sex everywhere! Her thinking was we had a super small house and younger kids in the house. My sisters had much easier rules but we lived in a very large house at that time, so nobody had to listen to teenagers going at it 😂
I was a teen mum and I wholeheartedly support the decisions you made here!
1. Helping this young man find suitable living arrangements outside of your home - really smart!
2. Letting him spend the night in her bed isn't encouraging them to have sex, teenagers don't need any encouragement in that sense. If they want to do it, they'll find a way.
What you have done is simply given your daughter somewhere safe to do it.
A lot of kids aren't that fortunate and they end up putting themselves in dodgy situations to have sex.
I think you are doing the right thing. You’ve helped him find somewhere safe to live. She’s on the pill. They’re using condoms. I would put a limit on how often he can sleepover, but if they are at your house you know they are safe. They’re teenagers so they will find a way to have sex no matter how strict you are. And you know they will come to you if they need to.
I agree with your whole post except the sharing a bed part. I have an almost 16 yo and if he wanted his g/f to sleep over a night here and there, I'd allow it but it would certainly not be in the same bed.
I’m going to go against the grain a little here. Thinking back I kind of wish my mum was a bit more strict about having a boyfriend stay over. It didn’t happen often but I must admit I was surprised that my folks let it happen when I was 16 and wished they said seperate rooms. We’d probably end up sneaking in anyway but I have a vivid memory of thinking, why are they letting us do this? If that makes sense? I have a nine year old daughter and who knows what I’ll end up doing about it when the time comes!
I lost my virginity at 17, and my mother still wouldn't let my boyfriend stay in my bed when he slept over. I agreed with that. Her house, her rules.
I think you and your husband need to have a chat and come to a set of rules, then speak with your daughter (and her boyfriend if that helps).
I had sex once, and didn't have sex for a while after that. I appreciate that my mum had those rules in place, and I will probably do the same for my children.
I personally agree with your husband, I don't think children at this age should be encouraged. Even though they are on birth control, accidents still happen - I am a baby born from a mother being on the pill and using a condom.
I have a two year old boy and I dream of having this type of relationship with him! You deserve a medal!!
My parents were strict, so strict that I constantly put myself in very dangerous situations as a teenager.
You are doing exactly whats necessary to keep her safe and honest.
You have chosen not to live with your head in the sand.
Well done you.
I think you are doing the right thing. You’re treating her with the respect she deserves. Sex is nothing to be ashamed of, she clearly waited until she was ready.
You’re showing her your trust her and her judgements.
Maybe just have a talk to her about your house rules and expectations when the bf is there as well.
I also have a just turned 16 year old daughter who is sexually active with her boyfriend. We allow them to hang out at our house and his, but haven’t agreed to sleeping over yet. My husband is a very firm no on it, I don’t know that he will ever feel comfortable with the idea. I on the other hand can see myself allowing it at some stage but just not comfortable with it yet as we have younger siblings in the house but I can see myself open to the idea at some point.