My son has been accused of rape by his ex girlfriend, who happens to be my daughters best friend. He is 15, the girls are 14. She has gone to the police this week. Apparently it happened in October/November last year. I don’t know what to do. He says it was consensual, my daughter says it was consensual as the girls talked about it after. The girl continued to visit, sleep over and be friendly after this supposedly happened. Even after their relationship ended she still was here daily, part of the furniture. I am lost. I am hurt. If he did this I want to obviously have him seen to by the legal system and get help for himself and how he views women. If he didn’t and she lied I am confused as to what to do. This is damaging to him legally and emotionally. Any advice on what I should do? She issued a restraining order but so far no news on court etc if she is pressing charges. We aren’t allowed to contact family, not that I want to now message her mum and ask if her daughter is ok if my son did do this. As a mum I want to believe he is innocent, so much has happened that contradicts her story, but I also don’t want to be blind and ignore the possibility it did happen.
16 Replies
Oh wow. What a tough situation..
Has he any text/written evidence from after the event?
This is really tough. I don’t envy you.
Personally I’d prob start looking for evidence.. I.e phone records etc.. maybe get him into see a psychologist?
Do not contact the family.. I would even encourage your daughter to stop contact also..
It is ok to believe your son’s word. I would still talk to him about consent and stress to him the importance of it. But I would also be in his corner standing behind him. This maybe one of the most stressful processes you face as a family! Good luck x
You should be backing your son 100% in this situation, same as you would if your daughter came to you saying she was raped. When the world turns against them, they need at least one person in their corner.
It is frightening how easy it is to ruin someones life now. Just one, "He raped me" and bang, life changed forever whether it's true or not. Back your son, don't apologise or ask if she's OK, that suggests that you think he has done it. You should have enough evidence to clear him, and they were both under the age of consent when it happened.
I think you need to organise a professional for your son to talk to first of all.
A psychologist, a youth or social worker, maybe even a guidance counsellor at school. Headspace may even be able to help in that regard, I just feel like it would benefit your son having someone impartial and unbiased who's not directly impacted by the situation to talk to about it all.
Your daughter could benefit from having someone to talk to as well, her best friend has made these accusations against her brother. That's got to come with some conflicting feelings.
Secondly, I think you need to prepare your son for the possibility that he may be questioned by police at some point.
Just make sure he knows to be honest and forthcoming, even if it means he has to talk about things that are awkward or personal.
It probably wouldn't hurt to make sure your son actually does fully understand the concept of consent, enthusiastic and ongoing consent.
It may be worth getting yourself some support systems in place as well because this is going to be an emotional rollercoaster for everyone, yourself especially.
I would absolutely take him to see a psychologist. He needs to talk to someone wether he raped her or not.
Let’s face it, society as a whole has done a shitty job of teaching the finer details of consent and we all know people who stay with there abusers so that’s not evidence for or against.
While I hope your son is innocent and this is a case of a confused girl, either way he needs a safe person to talk to that’s not a parent.
I was sexually assaulted by a family friend as a teen. I never said anything and continued going to family gatherings as if nothing had happened.
I was also sexually assaulted as a teen by a boy i liked at a party. I carried on afterwards, again as if nothing happened. You know what's really crazy? I still kind of wanted that boy to like me afterwards and I somehow came to the conclusion that it was my fault or that I did something to deserve it.
I never said anything because I was terrified of the repercussions, terrified of being judged or pitied or not believed, and I think on some level, I was too young to fully understand or process what had happened.
I'm not trying to paint your son as a rapist, only 2 people in the world definitively know the truth in your son's situation, I just feel it needs to be said that victims of sexual assault don't always behave in ways you'd typically expect after an assault takes place.
And this is why being a mum to a boy is so much more terrifying than being a mum to my daughter. Back your son. Rape is a violent and hate filled crime. Deep down you would know if your son is capable of that I think. Sorry but if she's your daughter's best friend, your daughter knew about it and says that it was consensual, I dare say the girls' parents are pushing it because she isn't at the age of consent.... But either is he! Get your son a psychologist for support. Things might turn dark from here and it could be true... But I'd hate for my son to be accused falsely and for him to think for 1 second that I didn't believe him....
It’s not always violent and hate filled.
Sometimes it’s a person who doesn’t understand that pestering someone until you wear them down and they give in, is rape or that there partner is too drunk to consent etc.
Rape isn’t always physical force. It’s often just selfish and immature!
Do not contact them.your daughter cant contact her. Get copies of all conversations on social media. Time may erase them so do it now. Same for all messages and phone records.
Get a diary and write down specific dates of conversations with your daughter. And visits and sleepovers and what happened.
Write down the whole time line as accurately as you can. Time, date, who was there.
Before a psych i would sort him out legally, lawyer up and make sure he knows the sentence to say to police 'I cant speak to you until my parents are with me' absolutely nothing else. Make sure you know legals and can steer him.
Oh I feel so much for you and your family. I would believe my son if he said it was consensual and she frequently slept over afterwards. 100 percent get him legal advice and get him sorted with a Psychologist as notes can be subpoenaed if needed. He needs to know you fully believe and support him right now as there will be many who won't in this day and age x stay strong mumma x
You have lots of advice about seeking legal help, I would also recommend getting him in to talk to a counsellor.
If he is telling the truth he will need some strategies to deal with the crap that is about to turn his world upside down, and if he's lying, he will need help too.
I would also look into a counsellor for your daughter too.
something that happened to myself as a teen - my mum found out that I'd had sex with this boy, it was concentual, she then went to the police and tried to have him charged with rape. I didn't back her story of rape, police left it as 2 consenting teenagers.
As a mother of son who was accused of something similar go with your gut I believe whole heartedly my son was innocent
Get him a good lawyer do not contact or speak to the other family involved no matter what
At 14 my father wanted me to report a consensual act to the police and have my boyfriend, also 14, charged with rape. Or at the very least unlawful carnal knowledge. I of course refused and the police gave my father a dressing down for trying to force the issue.
It is very possibly the case that the parents found out and the girl has lied to protect herself.
The court system will question her friends also, including your daughter. The truth will prevail.
I would suggest getting your son to a counsellor to help him cope with this. I would also get him to honestly write down everything he can remember leading up to and after the event.
I have been through this with a partner. 4 years, $100,000 and 2 trials later not guilty. Very similar scenario. Find the best gun lawyer you can and make sure he sees a counsellor. This is life altering and he will never be the same even if squashed. I want to remain anonymous or I'd comment on FB but was worried about people seeing my comment. but would be happy to chat if there is a way to connect privately. It's devastating for everyone involved. If in Qld I know the best lawyer.
Your way of processing this mentally is flippin amazing.
Continue to stay as nuetural as possible. If it goes to court be 100% honest.
I have seen so many mothers blindly defend their kids and lie to try and get their kids off rape charges and its horrible.
Somethint to consider (not saying your son is guilty) but the girl continuing to see your son and come to your house is not an abnormal response.
I would have a chat to your son and just put it out there that you love him no matter what. Have a talk about legal age to consent, try and get some detailed information about what happened. And then have a conversation about what it means to consent.
Good luck xo.
As a mum to teens this has really struck a cord with me. Just checking in to see if there was any update to your post. Big hugs mumma!