Hi IMs
I need some help and I am at a loss what to do. My 13 yo daughter was found chatting to an older overseas person on her school laptop at home, and once discovered I nipped it in the bud got police involved, counselling and monitored her device usage much closer. The issue is I work and she needs her phone as she catches transport and I need to communicate with her. I have since been checking in with her and I thought we were progressing well until I noticed once again she's been writing about chatting to a boy from overseas (she started showing signs of behaviour that was triggered from the first time hence why I was more alert this time around) . I am not sure how to approach this again as it's a safety issue ( I don't think these people are as they say they are as in the first instance with police involvement).
I have realised she is sneakier then I have given her credit for and the trust I am giving is not being respected.
I really am struggling to comprehend and help her understand this isn't ok. I have had her in counselling and they have said she seems remorseful, more educated and willing to learn and move on from her misjudgements. But I'm seeing the same behaviour again ? Where to next ?
Social media and teens
Social media and teens
Posted in:
Behaviour, Kids, Teenagers, Tips and Advice, Dating & Sex
11 Replies
What platforms is she using to chat to these people? Social media and messaging apps presumably?
I think you might just need to put some super tight parental locks on her phone/devices for the interim.
Outside the box thoughts here but is she lonely, bored, unfulfilled, battling with low self esteem, bowing to peer pressure?
It seems like she's intelligent enough to understand why this isn't a good idea but something deeper is compelling her to keep doing it.
You've all done a great job educating her but has anyone actually got on her level, had a conversation with her without lectures or concern and just listened to her? I wonder of some more general therapy would help?
I also think getting her involved in more real life stuff would help, maybe sports, drama classes, martial arts or anything along those lines that kind of force her to interact with real people her own age.
Thanks for the reply! Yes it's on a gaming server she has no fb snap insta ect I thought after the first time the gaming had stopped. She has been reading more and I've seen a huge improvement in her academics. After the first time I felt like we had crossed a bridge with communication as well. She has no confidence and I've been trying to get her into things however I feel like I'm always nagging her and not getting anywhere . She will just reply with" you know I don't like this" or whatever it is I'm trying her to get into. She is very social at school and has many friends. She is the eldest child and has siblings under her. Last night I merely mentioned the incident from the first one in a passing comment about building trust and she had a big go at me and burst into tears that she had learnt her lesson and I shouldn't bring it up again ( the first time I had ). Now I've discovered this today whilst she is at school and I don't know how to approach her. She will not open up to people easily she seems to act like she's coping well but I've only started seeing behaviours that I learnt from the first time with her. I try and spend as much time with her as I can I just feel like I'm doing something wrong for her to be doing this. I don't want to be constantly checking on her laptop and make her feel like I don't trust her at all but she's not giving me much to keep her safe. Thanks again
The only thing you are doing wrong is allowing her to have it and have access to these people. Cut the Internet if you have to. She will have to learn in school time. Get rid of her phone or anything.
Research kiddy phones and smart watches. They can be set so she can only contact known numbers and they don’t have apps etc on them.
She does not need a smart phone.
Yep, a basic talk and text phone is all that is needed if she must have a phone. And limited access to wifi on other devices at home.
Does your daughter have a google account? Because I set my son's google account up so its linked to a google app called family link.
Hes 10. So if i want I can basically see what hes doing, what apps hes using, accept or decline certain app downloads, lock his account at bedtime or set time limits so his account will lock when time is up. It may be worth looking into.
Id focus on why shes finding people overseas. Educate on how with online relationships, we fill in the huge gaps with our inagination. So we can make them seem really great and fulfilling when in reality thats all made up. Educate on strangers and how anybody you havent met is a stranger. Cyber safety for teens course. Self esteem for teens. Social groups and outings where she can meet real people.
Buy her a dumb phone. I.e. one that calls and texts only. She betrayed your trust so there are consequences.
Take her phone off her it is that simple. She will have to learn to live without it. She doesn’t need it at all. We all went without phones, so teach her to before it’s too late.
I don’t know the answer but have similar issue, every answer I come up with (time limits on phones, down time etc) to limit her access she finds another way around it, when there were no devices in the house she would sneak in phones from friends etc 😢 I just can’t seem to get through to her about online safety. The schools are very proactive in raising awareness etc but even that doesn’t help. I can think we are on the same page but then usually find out she just got better at hiding things.
I really hope you can have more success.
Get her an old phone that can’t have apps downloaded or one of those kid watches. She has proven she is not ready for a smart phone.