I have 2 lovely kids, boy aged 12 and girl aged 7. When my son was 3 I lost a baby girl 20 weeks into the pregnancy. It was an absolute terrible, harrowing time.
Fast forward to now and my curious daughter found the memory box for this little girl. I was not ready for this, and burst into tears at the sight of the box.
The kids were scared and worried at my reaction but I managed to put them off opening the box or talking about it until the weekend.
I’ve got no idea how to talk to them about this! My husband and I didn’t deal with the situation very well at the time and we kind of just tried to ‘forget about it’ which never works really!
The box contains ashes, tiny hand and foot prints, a little rug she was in plus a few bits and pieces on dealing with grief.
Any suggestions on how to talk to them would be fabulous. I was always going to tell my kids about this loss but not at this young age! Thankyou xx
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4 Replies
Honesty is always the best policy IMO.
I'd start by telling them this is something you find really hard to talk about because it makes you sad. Then I think just keep it short and simple - you had a baby in your tummy but sadly she died. You could explain that sometimes this happens because babies are born too early or because they are sick or that sometimes we don't really know why it happens. If she has a name you could share it and you could explain that the box of stuff they found is what you keep to remember her.
Kids tend to process this stuff quire well.
I also think you and your husband would greatly benefit from some grief counselling, as I'm sure you know, trying to bury and forget about your grief catches up eventually.
I am deeply sorry for your loss and I wish your family all the best.
I would tell them a story, start with how babies start as mum being pregnant. How first you were pregnant with son, and then tell what you told here. You can simplify it when explaining what happened to her or why she didn’t make it. You can tell them how you’re heartbroken, it’s ok for them to see you sad. It scared them when they don’t know why or you are out of control, but seeing you deal with feelings and support each other is actually good for them.
They will probably need it explained that this is their sister you’re talking about. And it’s ok to talk about her, even though it makes mum and dad sad.
You could all together plant a potted rose or fruit tree and sprinkle some ashes (or make a plaque) in her memory in your garden.
Just sit them down and show them the box, tell them the truth about what happened. Yes it will be hard but I think it’s healthy for them to know growing up, especially for the future for when they have children themselves.
Tell them you have the special box of keep sakes for a beautiful little Angel that you lost while she was in your belly, so you made a special box to remember her 💕 you don’t need to give too much info. Just explain to them how sometimes these things happen and it was a sad time for you, so you place it away in a safe place and remember her in your heart always and that she will be a beautiful watching over them 🙏🏼💕
I would just tell them. Remember your baby girl and let them be a part of helping to memorialise and Remember her too.
Set out her hand and foot prints, light a candle for her and tell them how she made you feel and how much you loved/love her.
It is hard but pushing her the the back of your mind isn't working, do I would work on celebrating her. You have 3 children and she is still and always will be with you ❤️