I need advice on how to be a level headed parent when faced with my daughter’s relationship. My dating years are long gone, 24years since I was on that scene - things have changed so much, but have they really?
DD is 16, BF is 15. They go to school together. They initially chatted non stop on messages. Before long the texting was extremely x rated, morning noon and night. On the first date buts we’re out, second date things were serious and in public places (change rooms, toilets etc). Then there is antics at school…“Because he likes it” - he often asks her for fresh photos to get jiggy to, she provides.. she had such high standards of what she wanted in a partner and this boy has swept her off her feet but I fear he doesn’t respect her, just wanting to see how far she’ll go to please him… and far she will go!
The fast paced nature of this relationship has slapped us in the face. It is her first relationship and holy hell, hugely sexualised from the first outing.
Her 13 yr old sister asked me casually if ethnicity changed the taste of a boy’s junk… she has apparently been sharing all her stories with her wee sister and therefore normalised it. Omg - struggling to rationally process this. Please share your thoughts brains trust.
We have chatted about self respect and respecting each other and having personal dignity and standards… but “she is in love”. …
15 Replies
Just make sure she’s using contraception and tell her to slow the f down. Also be straight up about sharing photos etc. how does she get to spend so much time with him? I guess my daughter doesn’t have a phone so that helps. She isn’t connected to guys and girls by phone. She’s always with me and I don’t allow her out with friends much. Gosh I dread when this is her. I know it’s natural but so much has changed.
Everything about this is wrong. Your daughter is distributing child porn and supplying child porn to a minor. She is having sex with someone who is under the legal age of consent. You need to get her under control.
Absolutely, thank god someone said it.
This is one of the most disturbing posts I have read on here and I have a teenager.
The things you are allowing to go on could affect her for the rest of her life.
I'm not even talking about being charged criminally or suspended from school, I mean the photos, once they are out there, you can never get them back.
Future bosses, potential partners, clients, customers.
I would also be contacting the school, I would be nipping that school stuff in the bud immediately.
If she's embarassed, bad luck.
I would probably consider a psychologist because her disregard for her own wellbeing and lack of respect for herself is terrifying.
I also don't understand how you can say a 16 year old with no relationship experience has "high standards", she's clearly proven she doesn't.
Back in the day, my dad would have torn shreds off a guy if he treated me that way, but I would never have behaved that way.
And tell her when they break up, if he hasn't already, he will be sharing all that stuff around school.
It's not fair, but her reputation will be in tatters.
I can see a lot of hurt coming her way, because this will not last and he's a revolting, manipulative person.
He's treating your daughter like an unpaid prostitute, how dare he, I can't believe you haven't been around to his parents house to tell them what he's been up to.
I don't mean this in an offensive way, but is your daughter special needs? ADHD, autisitic, neurodivergent in anyway?
In my opinion, you've been too level headed, time to protect your girl.
I made the comment above and was kind of worried i would be torn to shreds for my advice/opinion.
Thanks for not tearing me to shreds.
Child safety is incredibly important.
The boy is just as at risk as the girl. Why does this boy act this way? Does he think it’s cool? Has he been interfered with so he has a skewed view of relationships? Is his father manipulating and abusive towards his mother so he sees men as superior and women as slaves? This is not right no matter what, but both these children are in danger.
This whole post makes me sick.
Yes, absolutely, didn't consider that.
They are both kids after all.
Its not illegal in any way at all. There is a 2 year consensual law regarding sex so just calm down about that, it isn't the issue at hand. Raising her self esteem and/or refocusing her passions (art, music etc) would be more useful than screaming about a law that doesn't exist. Although technically her showing her 13 yr old sister is, in fact, exploitation of a minor so that is certainly something the parents need to put a stop to immediately, they have a duty to protect the 13 yr old although they probably haven't realised the seriousness of that particular issue as they are focusing on the older daughters behaviour. Bringing the illegal, detrimental effects of the sister into the equation may be a way to help get through to the older daughter however the whole issue is multi faceted and so many things need to be discussed; mum is reaching out so is Hopefully open to these suggestions
Its not illegal in any way at all. There is a 2 year consensual law regarding sex so just calm down about that, it isn't the issue at hand. Raising her self esteem and/or refocusing her passions (art, music etc) would be more useful than screaming about a law that doesn't exist. Although technically her showing her 13 yr old sister is, in fact, exploitation of a minor so that is certainly something the parents need to put a stop to immediately, they have a duty to protect the 13 yr old although they probably haven't realised the seriousness of that particular issue as they are focusing on the older daughters behaviour. Bringing the illegal, detrimental effects of the sister into the equation may be a way to help get through to the older daughter however the whole issue is multi faceted and so many things need to be discussed; mum is reaching out so is Hopefully open to these suggestions
Thanks for your thoughts, they confirm so many of ours. Keep them coming!
They have only been on three dates. So not much time together. They live suburbs apart with little public transport. We rang his parents the moment I found out about the antics at school and are open with them. Communicate when we find new concerns.
We need to be the village. Without guidance and support, these kids will never be guided to what is a healthy relationship.
As a mum of boys one of my biggest things is respect of women, words that demean females are forbidden in our house the general rule is if they wouldn't say to me then don't say it to another female. Teens are sexualising much younger than previous generations (or we are hearimg/seeing it more freely) . I recently had a talk with my youngest about sex and how I would prefer any sexual activity be done at home where both have access to showers, comfort etc rather than a park, toilet block etc. Then he told me he had had his first real experience at a party, I was so disappointed, the first time should be special for both. In all honesty I told him I was disappointed he didn't have higher standards than a girl willing to do such a special thing at a party with someone she barely knew. Your daughters boyfriend is 100% disrespecting her. Those pics are being shared to all his friends and then friends of friends, after 5 boys I know this with certainty. I also have a girl who has struggled with self esteem all her life so I do understand how hard it is, she is 34 now. Has always been the most beautiful thoughtful compassionate girl but it is only recently as she became successful in something she has always been passionate about that she finally sees her worth. Maybe leave the boyfriend crap for a minute and start concentrating on her passion, music, art, books whatever it is and try to refocus her. As the saying goes our kids have the potential to bring our greatest joy and our deepest heartbreak. Good luck
You want to teach your boys respect and you literally put the girl down that got sexual at a party as being below his standard, when he was a boy who got sexual at a party with someone he barely knew. So she's a slag and he's in the wrong for choosing a slag, that behaved exactly the same as him. Your boys are certainly learning from you.....
No you have most definitely interpreted my comment incorrectly; whether by choice or ignorance. Do not tell me what my boys are or are not learning. I'm confident in my parenting perhaps if you were you wouldn't feel the need to disparage my comment. Good luck to you.
It's call slut shaming and it's what you're doing. These casual remarks perpetuate toxic masculinity within our society and you're raising our future generation of men, yikes.
I don't see your parenting doing so well, you son and his friends share intimate pictures around.
I wonder if this girl that is so beneath him was drunk and he took advantage?
When you start telling your kids that people are below them, you're creating a horribly privileged mindset.
People with that mindset are the types to justify rape and crimes against women, because they feel entitled to do so as they see women below them.
You know women are allowed to enjoy sex too and are free to explore the same as men.
There is NO difference between a man and woman having casual sex, they are both just HUMANS.
Your comment made me sick.
But you keep doing as you are doing....
You also aren't raising confident, strong women.
Maybe her low self-esteem is linked to being raised in a household with double standards.
Nurtured, empowered, valued women don't tend to grow up to be adults with no self esteem.
You're failing on both counts.
Please tell her to stop sending any pics of herself that are personal. I understand to her it seems quite ok as it’s to her boyfriend but I can tell you without fail he will be sharing them with mates etc and she will not know what hit her when that happens. As a parent you need her to understand this and be prepared for it getting her some mental health help when it does happen, and it will.
I’ve been there, I was told by the school that she was self harming and the story slowly came out. We got her psych support etc. She then attempted suicide twice, the bullying from kids at school was constant. And she was a popular kid, a sporty, smart kid who was coerced into sending boob pics to a boy… I got copies of all messages and pics and we went to the police who made it very clear what was going to happen to the boy should she choose to have him charged. After that she was so low that she fell straight into a very toxic relationship, it wasn’t apparent straight away, but I recognised behaviours. She eventually understood she needed to break it off. In the end she moved interstate to live with her father, not the best option but she was safer there than near the toxic situation she was in. Even now some 4yrs later she still has mental health concerns from it. I