My Miss 12 has let me know, that she is gay. My husband and I are supportive and haven't made a big deal about it.
She has started spending time with a girl from school, but from what I can garner the girl hasn't actually had an open conversation with her parents and they may not know.
Last weekend she came to our house and everytime I came into the living room, my daughter looked incredibly uncomfortable with the girl, twisting her body and pushing her upper body away (sitting on the couch next to each other). Yesterday, the girl came out with us and held my daughters hand. Again, my daughter looked uncomfortable and kept looking at me. We were in a very public place where many people know my daughter and were looking at her.
I feel like her 12 year old self has backed into a corner and doesn't know how to fix the situation.
Firstly, I'm struggling to enforce boundaries as far as PDAs and touching go. They are 12 and if this was a girl/boy relationship, there would be no going into bedrooms, no sleepovers etc. The girls parents seem oblivious, so I'm concerned about what happens at their house. The Mum is very flighty and difficult to have more than a surface level conversation with. The girl is definitely the driving force here and I feel like if she weren't here, this wouldn't even be a topic.
My daughter has made her sexuality her headline announcement when she sees someone, or meets someone new. I truly feel like this is not who she genuinely is, and have asked friends who have been through their own journey for advice who have said they feel like she's doing it for shock value rather than it being genuine.
Does anyone have advice as to how I help my daughter navigate this? I know I can't stop every hurt in her life, but I feel like she is taking steps that are going to be difficult to retract and will follow her for a very long time. I feel like stopping her socialising with the girl will just make her dig her heels in more. Yesterday, I felt like she was asking for help to stop the hand holding. My daughter has never had a really close friend and I actually think she is craving the closeness of a BFF and wanting to be a priority to a friend. She's such a giving and caring girl and mothers everyone around her and I just want her to be true to herself.
I guess, this is more of a peer pressure situation, and curious if any parents have successfully supported their child in working through to their truth.
Supporting my daughter to find her truth
Supporting my daughter to find her truth
Posted in:
Teenagers, Dating & Sex
10 Replies
I would get her into headspace they have counsellors that help teens unpack their sexuality. Your daughter needs to learn to set boundaries and about consent. Maybe you could sit both girls down and have a chat, show a few you tube videos on consent. My daughter told me she was bi at 13 which came as a shock because I didn't see it. She was madly in love with Bieber and 1D prior to that. I didn't argue though I just said I will support her no matter what. She's now early 20s and had one same sex relationship when she was 16 during which she told everyone she was gay. Every relationship since has been with men. Its important they know when they are so young that they are not stuck with their sexuality just because that's what they announced, they can change their mind. Its a confusing time and they don't need to prove themselves to anyone.
First step is boundaries. They are 12.
No sleepovers; open areas and talk to your daughter about consensual touch and if she isn’t comfortable (regardless of the persons gender) then she doesn’t have to do it. This includes holding hands.
Advise your daughter - if no one asks about your preferences (eg are you dating someone, is there someone at school you fancy etc) then she is not to mention her sexuality; you wouldn’t announce if your straight therefor don’t announce your gay.
I would also monitor what’s on her devices. Tiktok etc can be very promoting and feel like such a supportive environment when your apart of the LGBTQIA+ community and just ensure there’s no environmental persuasive factors leading her to take things further then she’s ready for.
I would also encourage widening her friend circles to engage in more conversations, more friendships and be more open to all experiences.
I say this due to my nephew being influenced highly be the person he was around and the influences he was seeing. It was only once his friendship circle widened he realised people were talking about other things not just sexuality. (He’s 17 now) he’s unsure of who he is as a person but he says this is because he’s happy being him and he doesn’t need to label it anymore. It was a super hard time his early teen years, we did get him some counselling that also seemed to help, so I suggest that as well. He didn’t start counselling until 15 (lasted just under a year) but his parents regret not doing it earlier.
I also think just being open to her changing decisions and points of conversation is a big one too. You’re doing the best you can and there’s no right or wrong answers.
Good luck.
She doesn’t need a truth, focus on the journey. If this isn’t working with this girl, it’s not a concrete statement on her sexuality. If she feels it has to work as she’s declared she’s gay, then she’s under a lot of pressure and you’re seeing her discomfort. Give her space, don’t make sweeping statements, just focus on this day and how she feels about it.
She is 12! Boy or girl is it’s far too young and honestly these days, kids don’t know if they are Arthur or Martha. They need to grow up a bit more and mature Bettye they start having boyfriend/ gf at this age. Half of my daughter grade 8, think they are gay because some quiz online tells them that they are or friends think it’s cool. I feel for teens today! She sounds confused and thinks this may be her new norm and it’s not.
I totally agree. I think the Health Studies program at school has a lot to answer for. They are introducing concepts to impressionable kids at a pivotal age and it is making a confusing situation even worse. Don't get me wrong, I think gender disphoria is a thing but let kids be kids. By all means, give teachers the training to assist and guide those that need it but it shouldn't be part of the curriculum.
Yes totally agree! I am shocked at the things that my daughter learns as school. They were made to learn all the pronouns. 42 or something then my kids are trying to tell me and I go so mad! They don’t need to learn this at school. The teacher also asking kids what their
Pronouns are. My daughters best friend at 13. I’m not sure yet if I want to be gay or not. Kids are so confused today.
This is certainly something that needs to be taught at home. Love it love but sadly it’s not that simple anymore.kids / teens are so confused. They are being Fed absolute crap online and at school these days.
Then we have the kitty litter in the toilets at a school in QLD to cater for the kid cats, a whole other topic!
Our schools just need to stick to teaching and let parents do the rest. Unfortunately internet, phone etc doesn’t help our poor teens of today.
There are not 42 pronouns in English, just I, we, he, she, it, they. I think you are getting swept away from things you have read in the right wing media. My kids are learning acceptance of themselves and others and feel so much more support to figure out what they actually want for their own lives than any previous generations. So many teens I know get this stuff so easily and it's no big deal. I think we all just need to take a deep breath.
I'd be focussing more on discussions around unwanted touching, unwanted relationships and not being pressured into something she doesn't want, and not being pressured into being in a relationship she doesn't want.
Also maybe a conversation about how being gay, straight, or bi doesn't change who she is as a person, and isn't the be-all of her identity. She's still just plain Sally (insert name here).
It doesn't have anything to do with what she likes & enjoys, or doesn't like.
I think young people can get so caught up in *finding their identity* that they think their sexuality defines them, and they should only be doing "gay things".
I think it becomes a hyperfocus, just like ponies or Transformers etc becomes a hyperfocus.
My son has a girlfriend who is overly affectionate and he isn't into it. He feels like he has to give in just to accommodate her feeling because if he doesn't force himself, she will get the shits.
I told him healthy relationships are a balanced act. Consent goes BOTH ways and if you are NOT comfortable, you CAN say no. If she cracks it, you just tell her that you don't like being touched and it's OK to say no.
He says that she talks about her needs and trauma but never accommodates him. Like he doesn't matter.
Let your daughter know she matters and it's fine she is who she is BUT it's also completely fine to say no and it's completely ok for you to say you've got PDA rules within your home too.
It really sounds awfully like her boundaries are being violated and she doesn't know quite what to do. Ask her if she's OK with this and the touching. And reassure her that it's OK to talk to you.
But BIG emphasis on consent and if the other girls mum isn't onboard, emphasis CONSENT at home in a casual conversation.
I figured out my 14 year old was interested in a girl so I let her know if she's going out with her that's really ok by me. I helped her to feel loved and supported and didn't try to bury it or say anything like ' it doesn't matter who you see'. It does matter for kids coming out that we show unconditional love and regard for them. It's really important that you reflect on what would cause you to be worried that your daughter will find it hard to retract? From what, saying she's gay? That's not like something anyone needs to retract? You say it's doesn't feel like her and seem to think she's being pushed into going out with this girl. Even if she's not that into her girlfriend, no one can really be making her tell others she's gay. How do you know her feelings and sexuality more than she does? So what if her identity charges over time and she turns out to be bi or straight. It's all ok! She can have a good and happy life no matter what her sexuality is. This is her truth now. Is someone holding hands with anyone a problem? That's very sweet and innocent, it's not like they are playing tonsil hockey! Is it your fear that she will be labelled and ostracised? That's due to homophobia in our community and not a problem with anything she is doing. My daughter was totally into her girlfriend but also broke away from her physically when I walked into the room. She was shy! Fair enough about open doors and them being young. But be careful about how to talk about affection and boundaries and make sure it's about consent no matter who she's with. Please don't tell her not to tell people she's gay or that she shouldn't hold hands. That's just a really unsupportive approach that will not make her feel safe. Parents and friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) has heaps of great support available. Congrats on having the sort of relationship with your daughter that she can be honest with you. That's great for if she ever faces other hard things to talk about, she'll know she can come to you! Despite what some parents may say, as a parent of a gay teen, coming out is still not so easy but you can make it so much better for her with your supportive attitude!