I'm going to try and keep this to just facts so that you get both sides of the story equally. I'm after honest opinions so I'm trying to keep emotion out of it.
I went into preterm labour earlier this year with my twins. My son was born at 23w6d and my daughter at 24w. My daughter survived for 7 days before she passed away from infection. My son spent 112 days in hospital and came home on sub nasal oxygen for Chronic Lung Disease.
My brother-in-law and sister-in-law had a baby 4 weeks before my son. Our niece spent 1 week in special care. She came home with no ongoing issues. She was full term. They live in Sydney and we live in Brisbane. We flew down to meet our niece when she was 3 weeks old. My brother-in-law flew to Brisbane for my daughter's funeral.
I sent a group text message every 2-3 days to our family and close friends with updates of our son. I did not reply to very many individual text messages in this time (and let everyone know that I wouldn't be able to in one of my early group messages). We did not socialise and spent every day at the hospital.
The issue is this. Whilst our son was in the NICU, we did not ask how our niece was going. My sister-in-law would send text message updates on how she was going and we would reply to the messages with things like "that's great." etc. Once my son was home (1 day before his due date), I started asking how my niece was going. My sister-in-law and I were in regular contact via text message. They don't use Facebook so I would send picture messages to them that I had put online. I also did this when they asked when he was in the NICU.
My BIL and SIL have now said that in amongst some other issues, we are self-centred, inconsiderate and selfish for not asking how our niece was. I am wanting honest opinions on whether you think we are.
6 Replies
I don't think you were selfish at all. I think they are being immature and lack empathy. They obviously have no idea what it's like to go through a really rough period of time and be frightened about what the outcome could be. How time consuming it is trundling back and forth to hospital and how much emotional energy is expelled.
I used to get really cross when my son was in hospital as certain members of our family pretended like it wasn't happening and now I realise they just had no way of comprehending the reality of it!
Short answer - no. My husband's siblings didn't meet our first child until she was over 6 months old and we actually had to make the effort. My sister was there the day after she was born. Families are all different - expectations are different. In the end you did what you felt was right for you and your family and that is all that matters. There is nothing to be gained from living in the past.
I think your sil and bil are being childish. Your little family had a lot to deal with at that point in time with the grief of loosing your daughter and the stress of your son in nicu how very stressful and a huge emotional roller coaster. Unfortuently some ppl in life are very selfish and self centred, my brother and sister are like this and if I don't bother with them then we could easily go months without speaking.
You say in amongst other things, & i wonder if things started out with that, & they had some understanding, but things have kept getting worse / distant between you as time continued. Maybe assure them that although stress made it hard for you both to support each other in those times, you adore your niece & want to start fresh.
From the mother of a premmie NO... Your 100% focus is on your baby's survival! I really and truly hope they never have to go through having premmie! They are really childish and absolutely lack empathy. Putting aside the premmie issue - you lost a child as well! They have no understanding or consideration. I'm so sorry for your loss.... Hugs.
It's amazing how the birth of children can create such drama. My honest opinion and I warn you this will sound harsh but SO WHAT? yes you're niece was in intensive care but you had just had a death and your son in intensive care i can only imagine the fears that were consuming you of course the world melted away and all you thought of was your baby. Don't for a moment feel guilty ! As harsh as it is you were dealing with your family the world could wait.