Hi IP mums.
Last night my husband went to check on our children before going to bed and discovered that out 16 year old son wasn't in bed. Instead his pillows had been placed under the covers.
After checking the house he woke me up and we came to the conclusion that he'd snuck out. I drove around the streets looking for him and hubby called at 12:30 to say he'd returned home.
He gave us 3 different excuses before finally admitting that he'd went to the park to meet up with a 15 year old girl. I got his lock code for his phone and looked at his messages. It seems he has been sexually active for about a year and has been with quite a few girls, often in public places such as parks and public toilets. ( he has not dated any of these girls.. Pretty much just hooking up) and it appears it's not he first time he's snuck out. ( some background... We've never had any reason to not trust him. He works part time as well as go to school, plays sport, helps out at home, is respectful etc)
Reading the messages, he's been lying to us for a while, which has upset me and makes me feel distrustful of him now.
I don't feel guilty or bad for looking through his phone as I needed to get to the bottom of thing and needed to know exactly what's been going on. I did however message the girl from last night. I told her who I was and asked if her parents knew what she got up to I the middle of the night and said they will most likely be finding out. That didn't seen to worry her.
I personally feel that he is way to young to be sexually active and the last thing I want is for some girl to get pregnant or him to get an std.
I don't know how to handle the situation. I don't want to do or say anything I'll regret and don't want to destroy our bond. This morning he didn't even say goodbye when I dropped him at school.
I also do t know if I should contact this girls parents. If it was my child id want to know what they've been doing, but I don't know what kind of people they are and scared they may get aggressive or nasty.
Any help with this would be great! Thankyou in advance
Sexually active teen
Sexually active teen
Posted in:
Teenagers, Dating & Sex
8 Replies
Hello, it's obvious you are really struggling with this.
But I have to say, I don't think it was necessary or right of you to go through his phone or to contact the girl.
Instead of trying to stop him from doing something totally normal for his age - I'm talking about being sexually active, not the sneaking out- I think you should educate him, from the sounds of it you're worried he will get someone pregnant or an std which makes me think he hasn't been taught about these things and how we can stop them from happening.
I lost my virginity at 14, I don't consider it a mistake, I wasn't messed up or in with a bad crowd, I had been dating him for over a year and made a choice to sleep with him, my parents taught me everything I needed to know long before I was sexually active and I made an informed decision, I never got an std or wound up pregnant, I'm a perfectly healthy and normal 25 year old now, happily married.
He's not going to trust you if you go through his things, 16 is old enough to demand privacy and the more you snoop the better he will get at hiding.
Treat him like an adult and tell him you're sorry for going through his phone but that you are disappointed that he felt he had to lie when you've given him no reason to not trust you.
Also, don't call the other girls parents in my opinion it is really not your business, your son wasn't lured there or kidnapped by her, he went out of his own accord.
Sounds like you got a huge shock finding out ur son is sexually active. I would sit him down and have a long talk with him explain about protection, std's and more importantly anyone under 16 the parents can claim statutory rape. What I plan to tell my children when their old enough is if they feel they are ready for sex then that's fine with me providing they use protection. I would also prefere them to stay at home and have sex in their bedroom than in public or a dangerous place. Let's face it your not going to be able to stop him from having sex I remember class mates having sex at school when I was 16. Instead try and educate him on safe sex practices and a safe environment.
Thank you for taking the time to give advice.
We have obviously sat down with him previously and then again last night and had the talk about safe sex, pregnancy and std's.
I am his mother first and friend second, so I really don't think me looking through his phone is wrong. When he is putting himself in danger then I see it as my right. I can't protect him if I am in the dark and he obviously hadn't been truthful or forthcoming with me. And yes, I think having multiple partners within a short amount of time is him being in danger. That's not something I will condone. I will also not allow random girls using my house as a brothel. ( sry, but that's exactly what it seems like, as he's not in a relationship with them, doesn't have feelings for them etc) I may see hings differently if he was in a relationship, but he is not.
First of All I don't think it's wrong you going threw your sons phone, your his mum and only looking out for him., I would have wanted to get to the bottom of it aswell & if that means breaking the privacy code then so be it. It's good that you have sat him down & had a chat about sex etc.,I know you are proably not going to want to hear this but maybe you should also start buying him some condoms or making sure he buys them cos if he's going to continue to be sexually active then being safe about it is number one pioroty . Goodluck with it all
I am a young mum, I personally waited until I had been with my partner for a long time and I was ready. He had had multiple sexual partners prior to me and few were girlfriends. This was all before he was 17. I think it is pretty normal and would be a shock if you had no idea. Make it clear that the phone was a 'once off' as you needed to understand the situation and tell him you won't be searching his phone daily. Maybe explain that you aren't against sex but more against doing it with multiple partners whom he isn't dating and especially underage ones. Tell him that if he had a steady partner he would be welcome to bring her home and use his bed. Maybe suggest he visits the doctor to talk about std's too? Good luck, I don't look forward to teenage years one bit!
I think you were well within your rights as a parent to go through his phone.
However I dont think being sexually active at 16 is really uncommon these days. Contacting the girl probably went a little far but can understand you doing it if that makes sense.
As far as your son goes, I would be way more concerned of the fact this girl is 15. Which means if you do tell her parents they could have your son charged with sex with a minor. 15 is not of legal age of consent anywhere in australia and can cause your son a criminal record and put him on the sex offenders list meaning he will not be able to obtain a working with kids card or join the police force. It will be on his record for 10+ years. That is obviously worst case scenario.
Along with the talk of protection and pregnancy sti's and whatever please explain this to your son. It is against the law to have sexual contact with ANYONE EVER under 16. And has serious repercussions if he is caught doing so.
As far as being sexually active that really isnt your choice to make and I believe 16 really isnt that bad. Lying to you and sneaking out of the house however is.
Just my opinion though and with a 14 year old boy Im sure I will be dealing with it soon enough and my opions may change when the shoe is on the other foot.
Just try to have an adult conversation with him about it and explain you understand he is growing up and you juat want him to be careful. Xx hugs.
I would do exactly the same if I was you. I would want to tell the girls parents but as someone else said they might turn on your son and cry statutory rape (this happened to one of my sisters bf with an ex and he actually did jail time for it as the girls parents found out and had him charged) talking to him like you said you have is good, I would hope I would take the education path when I have to confront this sort of thing with my own 2 boys and daughter. It certainly is a hard one. How does your husband feel about it? Good luck to you mum
Hi, I don't quite have that problem yet and hope I never will... I have a 17 yr old virgin son and a 15 yr old hoping virgin son... My children and I have spoken over the years, as I am a nurse and would like to think I'm doing my best to prevent std's or pergnancy, they have both agreed that when the 'deed' is going to or may happen they will speak to me or dad first so we can make sure they are protected! Unfortunately there is not alot you can do but keep an open mind. Make sure the girls parents are ok with it. And keep them safe! Keeping them safe is not only with protection but also with encourging them to be someplace safe rather than in a park! Oh and I totally agree with others about the age factor!!! That is something I have pushed big time with my boys! NO SEX UNDER 16 it's against the law!! Lol that has seemed to get them! My eldest has a gf who is 7mths older than him but they still are yet to "go all the way"... Lol