ive just found out that my partners teen under the legal age is sexually active.. i think putting her on the pill will give her permission to do it.
my opinion is that we should take every measure to make sure that this stops, which means strict supervision, no boyfriend at the house while no one is home, no more sleep overs (which I never agreed with) only to leave the house with a chaparone.. and close monitering of phone calls and social media she is under age.. couple of yrs of legal. I am mid thirties and Not an old granma with old fashioned views. I would like others opinions.. I Do not need greif or to be called names.. My partner has already done that. Thank you
sexually active teen
sexually active teen
Posted in:
Teenagers, Dating & Sex
15 Replies
So that means she is around 14 depending on what state she is in. If the boyfriend is the same age it isn't illegal but as you don't give his age.....
I think 14 year olds are far too young to have sex and I don't think it should be happening in the home. BUT you can not stop her having sex. They do find a way, you can only decrease the chances of her having sex. Personally I'd be taking her to the doctors ASAP for the pill and a heart to heart about sexually transmitted diseases etc. You DO NOT want a BABY!
If the boy is 17 then I'd be pressing charges. And I'd be basically keeping her under lock and key! But if her and the boyfriend are the same age they are not breaking the law and although I would not be having sleep overs I would be getting her on the pill because you can't stop them.
This for me also depends if I had other children in the home. If my children were in the home there would be no way in hell I'd be allowing sleep overs and if hubby wouldn't stop it Id go my separate ways as I wouldn't want my kids to think that's ok at all.
As she isn't your kid unfortunately sometimes we have to say our peace and let it go. Or if it is so morally repugnant to you, go your separate ways.
Sorry I know that's a lot of what ifs but my biggest priority would be making sure she didn't get pregnant because bringing a baby into this world at that age is a bad idea.
You would press charges over consensual sex? Can we leave yhe sex offenders list for actual predators please
the boyfriend is 16
Then if I was your partner I wouldn't be letting him anywhere near my little girl! I think your partner is a dick!
You don't say how old she is. At 15 (he was 16) I did fall pregnant but always had condoms (thanks to his mum) and always used them (as that's what school taught us). It was going to happen either way but she was good enough to say to us anytime we needed them yell out and she would happily buy them. The thing is even if you ban sleep overs, going out unsupervised ect she will still find a way. I used to wag school so we could spend time together with out anyone else around. It is time to have a real serious talk to her because she will find a way, if her mum is still in her life have a chat to her mum first and explain it all get on the same page and both of you chat to her if that is what you are both happy with.
You need to be far more open about this with her and far more compromising. The more rules and restrictions you put on her, the more she'll feel like you don't trust her and it'll make her want to do it even more. And she's a teenager, she'll find a way.
Explain to her the consequences of what can happen if she has sex with her boyfriend at such a young age and not just the obvious pregnancy/STDs. Explain how it can affect her emotionally if he ends up being a douchebag, if people at school find out and start talking about it, how she could end up being known as the school "slut" etc. Explain that you love her very much and that you trust her, but you also feel there needs to be boundaries around this. Sit down and decide what you want to do. I would personally do visits at home with doors OPEN at all times, sleeping in different rooms if overnight, ability to monitor texts in case of sexting - also explain ramifications of this and passwords to internet accounts including email and Facebook, but be willing to listen to her and either compromise or explain why you won't. I wouldn't go so far as to chaperone every outing because that is not showing trust. If you don't trust her, how will she trust you and your decisions? But make sure that the outings are somewhere public and safe like the movies during the day, lunch etc. I would also take her to a GP or gyno and have them explain about the pill and would definitely consider putting her on it.
Most of all you need to make her feel comfortable and confident to come and speak to you, because if she does screw up, has sex with him and ends up in any one of numerous scenarios, she needs to know she has you. The last thing you want to create is a teenage daughter who's rebelling against ridiculously strict rules, having sex behind your back, having things go wrong, not telling you and ending up down a road to depression or worse.
Trust me I know how hard this can be, I was not so long ago a teenager too and now I have two young girls myself, I'm not looking forward to the future in regards to this. But you need to talk, compromise, explain, trust and most importantly love. Good luck!
100% this. Coming down on her like a ton of bricks will do nothing but alienate her.
First off go for the pill, please we don't want any unwanted babies there are enough of those in this world as it is.
Condoms lots of condoms to prevent STD's if they are going to do and they are please protect her from STD's
16 and 14 is not illegal. There has to be more than 2 years difference in age you'll find their are no charges to be laid.
You don't say how long you have been in this girls life, you don't even refer to her as your step-daughter so that says to me the 2 of you are not close. Please for the love if god do not come down on her like a ton of bricks this is going to be a sensitive subject and something for her mum and dad to decide on. It's not going to help either.
Talking about it and being open is the only way to deal with this. Stopping her from having contact with her boyfriend is just going to make her resent you.
You need to give her the pill AND have rules in place like you mentioned like no boys over when you're not there etc. chances are she will sneak around somehow to get what she wants and not giving her protection may only lead to a grandchild earlier than you might have hoped. My parents put me on the pill and sure I saw it at "permission" but I also had strict rules surrounding it.
I don't have any advice but I just want to condemn you on a wonderful job you are doing. So many parents turn a blind eye and even enable this behaviour by allowing it to happen under their roofs blah blah blah. Yeh if she wants to do it, she will but you sure as hell can do everything in your power to avoid this from happening and it sounds like you are trying your hardest. Good on you!
Putting her on the pill is needed. I wasn't active until17/18 but most of my friends were from 12/13 they were from strict religious families but still found a way.
As I was once a well brought up teenager with raging hormones and very strict parents I know whatever you do to prevent her having sex, she's going to do it anyway.
What I have found out since growing up (now 41 and had my first child at 38, but multiple abortions in my teens) is that love and attention from her father is what she needs most.
Speak to your partner about his relationship with his daughter and see if there is any way it can improve (it may be perfect in your eyes but a sexually promiscuous teenage girl is normally seeking male approval she can't get at home) or Maybe her mother, she may have problems with her mums partner if she has one. Good luck and keep the lines of communication open:-)
Not long ago I was in your situation with my our own daughter, she was 14 & boy was 16. Our daughter was a straight A student at a catholic school and you couldn't ask for a better child until she met this boy. with the encouragement of him and his family she started lying to us as did his mother to me. I am a driving instructor and was teaching him to drive at reduced price due to the family not having much money. His mother knew the rules we set down and so did he but it didn't stop the parents, from lying to us. I found out as I came across a video recording of the sexual intercourse. I took it to the police and it went to the sexual assault squad, tool months then they refused to press charges but in he meantime we got a restraining order against him to end the relationship. Yes, she fought us and ran away, to the other side the country but it is now 6 months later and she is back home and back at school, excelling again. Am I sorry for standing my ground? Not at all because if I didn't I won't be honest to me and she would never achieve what she possibly can in life. Our daughter is my 4th child and it was such a hard time. Now I am involved with the CCC about police behaviour. Our young need to be protected. I think you are an amazing for caring so much and wanting to maintain morals
I was a very early sexually active teen, and sex education for me was non existent..
When I was told to be home at 10pm I would come home at midnight just to prove I was my own boss.
No one was going to tell me what to do...
As a result I became a Mum at 16 of an amazing little girl...
25 years later I do not regret having my amazing daughter,
but I DO WISH someone had tried to talk to me about self respect and sex education...
My suggestion to you is what I did with my daughter, try to give Miss 13 as much information as possible...
Talk to her, DO NOT talk down to her..
You see a little girl - She see's a grown woman... Try to find the common ground in between..
Education is important not only for pregnancy and self respect but for std's as well...
This advice could be endless but in the end all you can do is be informed and open but most of all show love...
Remember - If you treat her like a child she will behave like one..
Good Luck..
Hey ya!
I can totally imagine that the idea of your 14- or 15-year-old step daughter doesn't exactly make you happy. But to be perfectly honest: Sooner or later you will have to accept this, even if you don't agree with it.
Speaking for me, my mother took me to the gyn and put me on the pill when I had my first boyfriend at the age of 14. This did not encourage me to have sex any earlier than I would have had without it. This was and still is the only sensible way to deal with it.
It may sound hard, but you will not be able to ban her from making her first experiences. Things have changed a lot since you were at her age, and teenagers become sexually active earlier and earlier. Please do her and you the favour and let her gow up and experience her sexuality in the most secure and comfortable environment possible, as this is the only way to keep up an honest relationship base with her. You should definitely ask yourself if you would rather have her having sex without any birth prevention somewhere in a dark spot in a park than home with proper contraception.
Besides the point of sexual activity: what you describe as your plan to keep her from having sex (close monitoring of phone calls, no more sleep overs, only to leave the house with a chaprone) is common practice in countries like Saudi Arabia, where the goal is to keep women without any self-confidence and independence. Please do not do this to your step-daughter. She should learn to deal with her sexuality as something that belongs to her, not to anyone else. Give her the self-confidence to say "no" or "yes" whenever she wants it, not when anybody else wants it.
I wish you all the best!