*** Triggering content - loss of baby at 29 weeks ***

My worst fear has been confirmed.....my little boy has passed at 29 week gestation.

I have three beautiful little girls and was excited to be welcoming a gorgeous son to complete our family. My pregnancy has been pretty ok apart from severe morning sickness which only abaited a few weeks ago. We had testing at 12 and 20 weeks and each OB visit saw him on the ultrasound kicking away, little heart flickering. There is nothing leading to now to explain why this has happened. We are not doing an autopsy as the doctor said since we had the 20 weeks scan and everything looked ok it won't yield much and I really didn't like the idea of him being cut into. We will have skin cells collected to check for chromosomal issues as that is less invasive and may shed some light on why.

A few days ago I had three very strong what I thought were braxton hicks contractions. They were about five minutes apart and took my breath away. With the others I never had them, but being the fourth I thought I might be in for them this time. They other three were all born naturally on or just after their due date and labours got easier each time.

It sounds naive now, but I didn't think much of the contractions at the time and went on with life. It wasn't until the next day that I suddenly thought that I hadn't felt him move. I spent the next day concentrating really hard on feeling anything and didn't. He never moved as much as the girls (I joked he was going to be my calming soul as my girls are pretty full on) and I really only noticed it at night time as I lay in bed.

I had a fear of something going wrong around 18-20 weeks as earlier in the year two friends lost their babies about the same time and due to his limited movements had called the doctor and went in for an unscheduled check up to find him happily swimming around. This time I felt silly questioning again so went to my GP and asked them to see if they could find a heartbeat......she couldn't, but said it was probably more her skill than anything so I wasn't too worried, but went into the hospital to get them to check.

I got to the hospital and went into a room with one of the midwives who used the ctg machine to locate a heartbeat, she couldn't, but then tried using the doppler, also no good. She said she was only new to midwifery and that she would get someone more experienced to check. By now I'm thinking the worst. The second midwife came in and also failed using both and said she would get my OB who was already on his way to check using the scanner, I knew then. As soon as he put it on I could see that there was no heartbeat and my world shattered......

I left the hospital and went straight to my mums house. My other half works away and I managed to call his work and get him on the flight back that evening. Telling them and his family were hard, but trying to explain it to my girls was the hardest.

I now need to go back to hospital on Monday and give birth to my baby.....I have friends (too many) who have gone through this and I know I could call them for help and support, but I don't want to open their wounds. I have called SANDS and spoken to a lady there, but am hoping to speak to someone locally as I have many questions. I want a photos and castings and as much time as possible.

I guess the first is how the hell do I get through Monday? Labour is never fun and this time there will be no happy at the end, only a deep deep sadness I can't fathom. What happens when he is born? What will he look like? How long can I hold him? I'm so shit scared!! Should I let his sisters meet him (I think this is important, but I also don't want to scar them)? Can I have hand and feet castings made? I would also dearly love to have a cast of his whole body, but is that inappropriate? How do I ask someone to do that for me? What happens after? How long do I stay in hospital for? When do I have to arrange his funeral? Where do I get something to dress him in? Do I bury him, or cremate him? Neither sound right, he should be with us! What paperwork do I have to do? How do I get over the guilt I have that something I may have done has caused this? I don't drink or smoke, but have been really stupid and insensitive saying things like "only crazy people have four kids" and "these three drive me nuts, how am I going to manage a fourth?". What if he heard me say these things and didn't think he was loved? I know that's silly, but I joked about it so much.....did I will this to happen?

I'm just so heart broken I don't know where to begin! It doesn't seem real and everything is going so fast. We are taking the day tomorrow as a family before going in on Monday. I can't face the world and don't know how I am going to deal with everyone coming with condolences and asking questions when I don't know the answers. I'm very blessed to have an amazing support network around me, but am not very good at asking for help or support as I am usually the strong one people come to. And this is just the beginning......