She would never be able to ring her brother. Then a flood of images filled my head it was like the reality of what “would” have had been flashed before my eyes. I saw them exploring the garden together. Him looking after her at school. Them lying together on the bed reading books. I then thought of my own big brother and the thought of growing up without him made me feel sick. This cemented the fact that Maya and Tex would grow up without theirs and none of that would ever happen.
I tilted the rear-view mirror to see her little face. It was like she was completely broken her eyes were wide and she looked sort of shocked. She obviously thought this whole time that Heaven was a place that she could call or visit. I think she somehow finally understood that it wasn’t.
I could give her no answers and the questions kept coming but I had nothing absolutely nothing except tears uncontrollable tears. Tears for her and her brother and what “may” have been.
35 Replies
So heartbreaking :( And what can you be but honest, even while it hurts so much :(
Thinking of you with much love xox
Thanks Kate!! means so much X
Crying reading this - it is ok to cry! Bless her little socks - and yours and Titan's too.xxxx
Ohh Thanks Darlin XXX
Oh I'm crying too. Big hugs
Ohh don't worry I am too! X
I know I have never posted on this page but couldn't read this and not share. I have had 2 girls pass away at a late stage of pregnancy and one of those lived in NICU for 16 days & then joined her big sister in Heaven. We have told our now 3 year old from day dot about her sisters in Heaven so that she grows up knowing them so to speak.
We recently changed our plans to go away fro christmas to now go at Easter. Miss 3 pipes up: I have a good idea maybe we can go to Heaven and see Macy and Holly instead. ... Her innocence is priceless. I got away with Heaven is far far away sweety.
Sending love as you remember titan this Christmas.
Ohh My - You poor soul - I could not imagine enduring that twice.. My heart goes out to you and your family. Our babies are with us always aren't they.. Just there watching their family - I find that comforting XX
Bawling my eyes out. Big love and strength to you all x
Thanks Darlin XX
I think you are doing exactly what you need to do Kristy. You're keeping Titans memory alive, communicating openly and loving, loving, loving. Maya and Tex may never be able to call their brother but they will know him all their lives and be able to talk quietly to him as they grow older ....all because of the way you are with them. So much love coming your way my friend xxx
Ohhh Thanks Kirri!! - beautiful words XX
This is exactly why you have done the right thing in keeping Titan's memory alive for your two other children. You have made him real......a person with a family, which is exactly what he is. Sometimes family gets messy, this moment was one of those....but as with many family moments you have probably had in the past, the good and the bad, all of your children were present. You can't have those 'what if' memories in this world, but your children will all be a part of you, forever. x x
Thanks Leigh.. Yep it was definitely a messy moment.. Thanks for your message XX
big massive hugs hun xxxxxxxx
Right back at you YeranX X
Hugs to you gorgeous xx
Thanks so much my beautiful XX
It was my angel baby Michael's birthday last week and he is the youngest of 4. The others had found a porate flag they wanted to buy to leave at his grave and then my 5 year old daughter started suggesting other things they could get him...when she suggested a magazine subscription (like she has) I also got the same realisation as you have just described. Do they actually think heaven is a place they can send magazines to? What might have been is almost too painful to think about, although sometimes my daydreams of it are what keeps me sane.xx
ohhh Louise XX
can she write a letter to titan, what a beautiful soul xxox
Ohhh she has - she has written him many - but thank you for thinking of that your beautiful XX
My little girl who was born after the death of her brother once asked me, "mummy are you going to have another baby" I said possibly one day, "oh, mummy will I have to die". Because we had constantly told her that Corey died and we were so blessed to have her she thought that if I had another baby it was her turn to pass away, she had been carrying that question around for quite a while. I am no help, just thought I would tell you that.
Ohhh it's hard huh you never really know what goes on in their head - Big HUGS XX
Oh huni, I wish there was some magical words I could say, but to be honest - I am speechless. Your heaven and earth angels are are just so precious and whilst these out of the blue discussions with you daughter may commpletely freeze you for a moment, delight in the fact they are ensuring that little Tex is with you whether you can see him or not.
I once read an article where a blind man said that sight is overrated, what you feel and see in your heart is where the real joy lies. Rest easy causee Titan is the captain of your hearts ! xxx
Ohhh thanks Sonia - Beautiful words!! I really appreciate you telling the story of the blind man it's so true. Titan is with us and I feel him everyday. XX
I read and my heart is bleeding for you and your family, I then clicked on Titan's Story being the nosy bitch I am and now I can't stop crying... I have no words but silent hugs for you xx
Oh my goodness, sweetheart. Just an exquisite post with so much love and ache in it, Kristy. Thinking of you.
xx
I'm so sorry; this must be sp very hard for you. I can't even begin to imagine your loss.
No words, just hugs. Xxxx
Completely understand Kristy. We were driving the other day and Stella had a friend in the back and outta the blue she said " sometimes when I close my eyes at night in bed I wish to see my big brother Ollie". her friend said who's Ollie and she said he is my big brother in the stars, he watches over me. I felt the wind knocked outta me and started to cry. We don't speak about him a lot but enough. I still find it hard sometimes to answer or explain her questions. She is such a beautiful little girl and that she wishes for that at night when really I didn't even know if she knew how to wish or what exactly a wish is, makes me sad for what can never b and that i know her wish can never come true. Xo
Great Topic!
While its a little different... My dad passed away suddenly when I was 4 years old. It took me a while to understand the concept of heaven. I thought it was the next town over or something. But one of my great aunties once sat me down and said. "I'm sorry sweety but Heaven is a place for special angels and to get there you have to die first... but one day we will all be with each other together in Heaven and you will get to do all those things that you miss doing with your Daddy now then. I can't tell you when that will happen but know its not something to be scared of because Daddy will be there waiting for you and he's going to give you the biggest hug and tell you that he loves you"... Ahhh the memory of this moment brings tears to my eyes.
I lost my 2 year old son Sam in Oct 2010.at the time my other children were 4,5 and 7.After having the hardest conversation I have ever had in my life explaining to them that Sam was now in heaven and wouldnt be coming home, I felt they kind of got it.It wasnt until about 8 months later when my 5 year old asked when we could go visit like we did with their big big brother ( 19 ).I was gobsmacked and tried to explain what heaven was..I jumped online that night and looked at everything I could find to explain the situation at their level.Took a while but I did find some great sites.I wish I could remember what they were now so I can pass on to others in need.We cremated my son so we could bring him home.All the kids and my husband and myself talk to Sam all the time.We talk about him and we still celebrate his birthday with a cake ( he would have been 4 on July 19th).I also take his urn when I get the xmas photos done ( they take turns in holding him on their lap)and still put his name on birthday cards and such.Not a day goes by that he is not talked about or to.I am determined that the 3 young ones will grow up remembering their brother even though he wasnt with us for as long as we would have liked.The only advice I can really give is NOT to play the "what may have been" game in your head.It will destroy you eventually.Huge hugs to you and I hope the right words come to you when needed.
Gosh, this brought tears to my eyes. What a terrible, but beautiful story. We can't take the pain anyway, but by feeling it your kids will grow up to be wonderful, empathetic souls, as your daughter clearly already is. It breaks my heart to read about stories such as yours. Kx
I lost my baby girl at 41 weeks just one week ago today. I just want to thank you for your posts today, and helping me feel like I am not alone in this journey. Thank you.