*Edited to add* I just remembered an important point - I was SIX when I was slapped hard enough to leave a handprint by a boy. I was told he must like me. And that stuck with me.
Yes we need to teach our boys too, when I discuss the things we can change with our children, I use the term CHILDREN for a reason. But our boys aren’t growing up to be murdered every week.
1 in 5 women are victims of sexual assault.
1 in 20 men are victims of sexual assault.
BOTH have large numbers that go unreported.
95% of victims of violence in Australia report that the perpetrator was a man. 95% of male AND female victims report that the perpetrator was a man.
Violence is predominantly perpetrated by men. Against men and women. Those are the statistics. #whataboutmen #notallmen
Men are statistically violent. This does start with raising our boys!
At 8 my mother pointed out to me that a boy was ‘checking me out’
At 12 I became aware of adult men ‘checking me out’
At 14 my father got angry at me for what I was wearing
At 14 I had a 26 year old man drive by, then stop to try talk to me and hold my hand
At 14 I walked through a crowd and an adult male put his hand up my shorts & grabbed my butt
At 14 I started to hide my body
At 15 I heard about a friends mother being assaulted by her partner. I heard ‘well she must’ve...’ and ‘she shouldn’t have’
At 16 a guy who liked me showed me by grabbing my breast in a dark lane while walking
At 16 I met my ex husband
At 17 my mother told me that keeping my man was my responsibility
At 17 I was raped
At 17 my partner blamed me
At 18 he decided it was his right to also help himself to my body, and get physically violent when I said no
At 18 I had been raised to keep my man happy
At 21 he cheated
At 21 I was told that a man only cheats if he isn’t getting enough at home
At 26 I learned that I’d been living with physical, mental, emotional, sexual, financial, and social abuse since 17
At 28 I removed myself from that life
At 34 I wish I’d been given the tools to know different at 8, 12, 14...
At 34 I still hear ‘why didn’t she leave’ ‘why did she allow it’ ‘you are treated how you allow someone to treat you’ ‘why did she get married’ ‘why did she have children’ ‘why did she’ ‘why didn’t she’
There is only one question. ‘Why did he’
When your friends husband cheats, do not allow your kids to hear ‘she didn’t give enough’
When you hear of domestic violence, do not allow your children to hear ‘why did she stay’ ‘what did she do’ ‘what didn’t she do’ ‘he wouldn’t have if she didn’t...’
Raising YOUR sons to respect women starts now, at 2, 4, 6. If he wants to hug a girl at 4, you think it’s cute, but the girl doesn’t want it, then SHE DOESNT WANT IT. Set the boundary.
When you’re tickling your child and they laugh & say stop, STOP. They then realise you respect their right to say stop, they will then respect others rights to say stop.
When another adult wants a hug, and your child doesn’t want that hug, DONT ALLOW IT. Your child will understand that they aren’t being forced to accept touch they aren’t comfortable with, and won’t force touch others aren’t comfortable with.
When rape culture starts with your sons in school (2 six year old boys had a pre schooler in tears after repeatedly lifting her skirt and laughing) STOP IT! It’s not harmless fun! It’s setting a standard!
When a girl doesn’t want to go out with your son she’s not a cow. She has a right to not be interested, no matter how great your child might be.
Talking about women at any age, in any situation (locker room talk), in a degrading way is rape culture. It’s accepting that women are less. You may not participate in the discussion, but you allow it. It doesn’t matter if you’re male or female. If you don’t stand up, you are allowing it, and that makes YOU part of the problem.
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It goes both ways. Girls get pregnant on purpose to trap a man. Women withhold access to children to be vindictive resulting in suicide rates similar to the physical domestic violence purpetrated by men. It's not about 1 sex being victimised. It's about teaching all people to respect others.
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And there it is. #notallmen I didn’t say all men.
How many women actually trap men by having children? Don’t have sex, you won’t have a child 🤷🏼♀️
How many women refuse access with no reason? How many of those men claim they’re refused access, but they are actually perpetrators of violence behind closed doors?
How many men actually commit suicide over access. Here’s a hint. It’s not 21.
How many women KILL MEN?
It happens. What's wrong with taking gender out of it and teaching everyone to respect boundaries? Geez. The comment is for true equality.
Because women are the ones being killed! On average one woman is killed by a man in Australia every single week.
On average 3 men are killed in Australia by women every year, and these are most often in self defence.
The issue comes in all forms, all sexes, all races, all socio economic back grounds, and all ages.
But when we are realistic and divide it amongst the sexes, violence against women is an epidemic.
Women are important enough to say they’ve had enough of being treated like they don’t matter. We’re important enough to say that violence against women is a far more prominent issue than violence against men.
You are part of the problem by down playing the issue. I’ll take gender out of it when both genders are equal in the stats.
I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm just saying teach respect to everyone. That's not being part of the problem. I've seen too many women push men to the edge. But it's emotional abuse, not physical. It's not a matter of what's worse. It's a matter of acknowledging it's all wrong and looking at the whole problem.
🙄 This comment is soooo much bullshit! The suicide card is being pulled so easily these days it’s not funny, typical from men or from new partners of dead beat fathers The only proven statistics are the ones of violence against women ffs. Oh, and girls don’t get pregnant on their own. Men don’t get “trapped” by women falling pregnant, they love putting their penises inside without protection. OP, you are 100% right. I have a son and a daughter, and my son knows that if he crosses the boundaries with a girl (or a boy for that matter) he’ll be in deep trouble with me. And God save the one that harrases my daughter, he won’t live to tell the story.
Totally agree OP!
I’ve been relatively lucky, raised by a Mum who accepted no bullshit and an amazing Dad.
I’ve been lucky that the trauma I’ve experienced is fairly minor compared to others.
I am exhausted. I am exhausted from the ‘but I’m a nice guy’ bullshit, when clearly they haven’t listened or accepted that you’ve said no. I’m exhausted by unsolicited dick pics. I’m exhausted for being abused because I said no thanks.
I’m exhausted from calling male friends out when they act innapropriately around there daughters (ex friends). Perving on your teenagers friends is disgusting. Woof-whistling a woman out for a run, is not acceptable, doing it in front of your daughter is even more deplorable!
I'm not raising my son to respect women, I'm raising him to respect everyone! Regardless of their gender, sexual orientation, age, religion, race, job title, socioeconomic status etc. I'm raising my daughters the same way.
I'm raising them all to know what appropriate behavior is.
I'm raising them all to not be bystanders.
I'm raising them all to understand the concept of consent.
I'm raising them all to know their self worth and to not accept treatment of anything less than they deserve.
Lastly, I'm raising them all to treat people with dignity, kindness and to be considerate!
Frankly, I'm a little tired of this being a gendered issue, because it is a human issue. We shouldn't just be focusing on violence against women, we should be focusing on violence period!
Thank you!
It will continue to be a gendered issue until both genders represent equally in the statistics.
Except statistics don't entirely represent reality!
Did you know children are more likely to experience physical and emotional abuse at the hands of their mothers?
Did you know that in my city there are no shelters for fathers and their children to escape DV? Homeless shelters sure but none safe enough to take a child. More men need these services than you realize, so many men don't report it when it happens to them because there's not enough support and there's a certain level of shame and embarrassment attached to it.
Did you know my partner, uncle and best male friend have all been victims of severe random assaults making their way home at night? My friend was mugged and left unconscious and bleeding in the street twice within a month!
Violence is a universal issue, perpetuating that it's more of a female issue rather than a societal issue is also part of the problem.
Were the perpetrators of the violence against your partner, uncle, and best male friend men or women?
It’s not just a female issue. It is a universal issue. But it's perpetrated mostly by men.
When a man is assaulted while out & alone at midnight the perpetrator is a gutless piece of crap. When a woman is assaulted while out alone at midnight she shouldn’t have been out & alone. This is victim blaming.
It’s more about the view, the excuses, the justification, and the blame being passed onto the victim that’s the issue. If our children continue to hear the blame being passed off, and the excuses for the behaviour, society won’t change.
Children should always be protected from any form of DV. Against them, or around them. And parents who perpetrate shouldn’t be allowed access, yet they are. But that’s a separate issue.
Men should have more access to these services, but the view of a single dad as a hero & a single Mum as a hoe is still alive & well in our society. Men willing to take their children on are praised. Women are expected. They don’t have services, and this needs to change, but they have support. This is also a separate issue.
I won't let my very strong tradie husband walk alone at night either. It's not victim blaming to remind people to be careful. Am I victim blaming if I tell my children they can't wander around our suburb alone at 4 and 6? No. I'm recognising risk exists and doing what I controlling what I can. The lady that was raped and murdered yesterday took precautions, had her phone on her etc. Unfortunately the risk can't be fully eliminated but when something tragic happens, it's not irresponsible to remind everyone to be vigilant. And no, risk can't be fully eliminated. We're always going to have unmedicated mental health conditions. Narcissistic personalities, borderline personalities and other diagnoses don't respond well to treatment available. And lets be honest, balanced people don't commit these awful crimes.
I disagree on some points you have made.
The 'checking out' is a natural response, I hate how it has been associated with 'rape culture'. We all do it. You can't expect someone to ask your age before having a quick glance, it's usually done before the person has even had a chance to think about it. Some teenagers look way older than their age.
My daughter is now 18 but I would never have allowed her to leave the house in anything that showed ass cheeks or an unreasonable amount of titties showing. No way. Do I think she would have been "asking for it"? No. But it would have gotten her attention from the wrong people which would put her at risk. Just because shes not asking for it doesn't mean they are safe from being assaulted or verbally abused- from both men and mean girls who like to target any girl that looks good. It's kind of the same as making sure a younger child is not naked in public to protect them from weirdos. You do what you can to make sure they are not at risk.
It should not be all on our sons. Both sexes need to learn what is acceptable and what is not. Both sexes can be abusive, women are more commonly emotionally abusive which is very hard to prove and theres no charge for it, so they often get away with it.
Women also speak about men like they're pieces of meat it's not just men in a locker room.
Respect goes both ways.
I’ve never seen a 12 year old who actually looks over 18. And as a 14 year old in school uniform I looked like a 14 year old. It was also more than a quick glance.
Again, a 26 year old approached me. In school uniform. I walked away & he saw me again the next day & approached me again.
I’m also sure the 11 year old raped in Newcastle didn’t look 18.
My post also refers to the way I was raised. To accept this behaviour and not challenge it.
My post is also not gender biased on how we act with our preschool & primary aged children before this is an issue. Both sexes need understand the boundaries of touch. For themselves AND others.
My point is that this behaviour is often more excused and accepted in male society.
Women are also perpetrators of abuse. But my final point is that they aren’t walking around thinking it’s acceptable to take a man’s life. Men aren’t losing their lives on a weekly basis at the hands of women. Men aren’t being attacked by women in parks.
Men can walk at night without fear of being attacked & raped.
Of course you should be aware of your surroundings, but why should I be more cautious than my male counterparts?
My daughters shouldn’t have to be aware of how they dress & behave. They shouldn’t be considered a slut if they have random, safe sex. They shouldn’t have to listen to adults excuse sleazy teen boys as ‘hornonally driven’. They shouldn’t be made to wear longer skirts, or looser pants to school so as not to distract male students and teachers. Their bum can hang out of their shorts & their cleavage can hang out of their top just like a boy can walk around with no shirt. They still aren’t asking to be treated as a sex toy.
I'm sorry but I think you have serioys issues. I don't know any man that thinks rape of anyone is OK, and I don't know any that think murder is OK. You are massively generalising and that is not healthy. An extremely small percentage of our population are actually rapists or murderers. Go and see a psych or something.
I didn’t say anyone thinks it’s ok to rape and murder. I said that people excuse behaviours that lead to rape and murder.
My ex partner sexually & physically assaulted me. He has also done the same in a relationship after me. People who know this still call him a great guy.
This behaviour has been passed off onto me on numerous occasions. Why did I stay? Why did I marry him? Why did I have children with him? Why didn’t I do whatever it was I needed to keep him happy?
The man who murdered his wife, daughter and 4 grandchildren in Margaret River was remembered as a good man who loved his family.
A good person doesn’t murder the people they love. No one thinks it’s ok, until it’s someone they know, & they need to justify it.
What about the mum in cairns who murdered her 7 children and niece? She was remembered as a loving mum too. And so she should have been. The issue was her mental health. She was psychotic. Respect and boundaries should be instilled in everyone. And mental health needs more services. That would save more people than anything else in all honesty.
Have you ever heard of mental health issues?
Just because someone has a mental health issue doesn’t mean they aren’t a good person or didn’t love their family.
Go and educate yourself or get yourself some counselling.
Apparently it's easier to hate half the population than look at underlying causes of the issue.
Yes. It’s all about hating half the population. Smdh. Nothing to do with looking at the underlying causes of the issue.
Except that I’m actually spelling out the underlying cause of the issue.
Do you know what causes narcissistic personality disorder? The way children are raised. That is an underlying issue. It has nothing to do with genetics, or brain wiring. People with NPD have been raised to believe they’re more than others. NPD can’t be cured, or medicated. There is no way to stop these people behaving the way they do. Except to change the way we raise them!
Mental illness is not an excuse to abuse someone. NPD is not mental illness.
You don't work in mental health do you?
NPD, sociopathy amd psychopathy are personality disorders actually...a lot of what you said is quite ignorant. Yes, there is an environmental component as well as biological but those with NPD that have an extremely dysfunctional childhood of abuse (not so much entitlement) fair worse than those with good families I.e. both have it, some become fearless firemen and skydivers, others become highly abusive or serial killers. It takes more than arrogance/entitlement to be a narcissist, please, please educate yourself.
If you can't see that women and girls are targeted in our culture then you are blind. Sorry. That's just such a ridiculous head in the sand attitude. Why are lots of women supporting this view that men are equally victims. You need to look at the actual data. Did you see the review into domestic violence related deaths the other day? 92 ‰ we as a result of mens ongoing perpetration of violence against women. Women killed with no male history of perpetration of violence against them in 8% of cases. 92‰ were make perpetrators. That's actual data and research not 'what I reckon'!
Yes I agree with you and your sentiments, just had to clarify the NPD comments!
I think some girls do bring it upon themselves though! I mean, who wears such slutty clothes as a way to “express themselves” and doesn’t actually want attention. Or posting bikini photos on Instagram and Snapchat at ages 13, 14. They’re practically asking for attention from boys and then when it’s given they cry poor me and are butt hurt.
So, as a parent of a son, I say that you mothers of daughters teach them more self respect and how to dress and act appropriately. If they flaunt it they’re going to get attention.
Does your son ever leave the house without a shirt? Does he take photos of himself without a shirt? Does that give a girl the right to rape him?
A woman is allowed to want to be appealing to the opposite sex. A teenager is allowed to want attention from the opposite sex with in her age range.
A girl can have sex with someone new every night, that doesn’t give anyone a right to touch her body uninvited! Women are allowed to enjoy sex as much as men without being called sluts!
No matter how a girl dresses, acts, walks, talks... NO ONE has the right to assault her. Your comment is exactly why I posted this. You are raising a boy with the excuse that ‘she was asking for it’.
No offence, but I won't let my daughter dress like a hooker. Not because she should be respected by others, but because she should respect herself. It's not asking for rape, but it is asking for guys to hit on her. And some of your examples of 'rape culture' in your original post are just making a move... And the same move is done by men and women. As someone who has been assaulted, you need to be able to disguish assault from making a move. You're getting angry about people suggesting respect should be universal but then saying you aren't attacking 50% of the population. You're contradicting yourself. It's not about men. It's about all victims. Just because women are more frequently the victim doesn't make them more important. And as some have pointed out, the abuse that men can be victims of is harder to track. So of course the stats are swayed. If you want to be part of the solution, then get on board with the fact that this is a message for EVERYONE
OP you just sound angry for what you’ve been through and lack proper understanding of these issues.
It’s easy to jump on the bandwagon.
And no, my son never leaves the house without a shirt on. There’s no need for him to.
It’s all about self respect. You’ve contradicted your original post by your comment saying it’s okay to want attention - again you just sound extremely angry.
He has no need to... I thought your son would always wear a shirt to protect him from being exposed to girls and women? So he isn’t assaulted? That’s why my daughter shouldn’t wear a bikini to the pool isn’t it?
My point is being completely missed. I didn’t contradict myself. Violence IS an issue among both sexes. But the violence perpetrated by men against women is the MOST occurring form of violence. Men killing women is also the MOST occurring form of death in domestic situations.
Less men kill men. Less women kill men. Less men kill children. Less women kill children.
Yes I’m angry. Angry that degrading behaviour is so readily excused, and victim blaming is so prominent. As soon as you question the victim of her actions, you’ve shifted blame from the perpetrator. He is no longer responsible.
So much of the country is angry and wanting to eliminate Muslim’s, yet the people attacking our own, are our own. But we’re not allowed to be angry. 50-60 women a year are killed at the hands of men in our country, yet I can’t be angry.
So the men and children that die are less important? The women that abuse men are less at fault? The point was that respecting others physical and emotional wellbeing should be instilled in everyone. Not sure why you're so upset that it doesn't have to be about hating on one gender.
You are exactly what is wrong with society!!! Just because a girl wears a bikini does NOT mean she is asking to be raped. My daughters have the RIGHT to dress however the fuck they want. Your son who is obvisiously not going to be taught shit about respecting women because a girl is asking for it has NO RIGHT to touch her.
My god you are so ridiculous - of course wear a bikini to the pools where they’re intended to be worn! But don’t go posting photos on social media for likes and attention then play the victim card.
Of course there’s numerous cases of women who were in the wrong place at the wrong time but then I think there’s also many cases that could have been avoided. Girls send out the wrong messsges all the time. And it’s very easy to claim rape, I know MANY of times someone has claimed “rape” from embarrassment or regret. Now days it’s hard to believe a lot of young girls when the term is thrown around so loosely. And same with DV. So many women on this page comment saying the OP is a DV victim from a few paragraphs. It really takes it away from the true victims of the serious issues.
Do boys send out the wrong message? Ever?
You are exactly the reason i posted this.
Women rarely actually lie about being raped and abused.
Women rarely make up domestic violence allegations.
You just said I ‘claim’ to be a victim of domestic. Your opinion on my claim means absolutely nothing to me. But I WAS a victim of domestic violence. You are the reason women don’t come forward and report it. You are the reason I didn’t report it. I was embarrassed, humiliated & believed I was at fault. I was ashamed. I still don’t post publicly, because while I’ve somewhat opened up to people I know, I’m not comfortable shouting it from the roof tops. Because of people like you.
You are his mother. You are the one who excused his actions, degraded women & how they dress in front of him, and excused abusive behaviours perpetrated by men around him. You are the one who gave him permission to treat me and my children like we were possessions to throw away when we weren’t wanted.
You and your view of how girls dress is 100% the problem I’m addressing.
Not everything is about you. I wasn’t specifically saying your claim .. lol
You're seriously unbalanced. You're accusing a woman of causing someone's rape just because she's saying everyone should be safe and taking steps to reduce risk is smart. You're affectively saying her son, an innocent young child, will grow up to be a rapist. I suggest that you find a trauma counsellor.
No, I’m saying that people who raise their children with the ‘she asked for it’ attitude, are raising adults who are the same as the adults now. It’ll always be seen as ‘she asked for it’, it’ll never change.
No one asks for it.
I’m comparing her son wearing a shirt, just because he hasn’t had a need to go without yet, to a girl not wearing a bikini because she’ll be asking for it.
If my daughter wearing a bikini is asking for it, then so is your son when not wearing a shirt - whether he has yet or not.
I’m pointing out that raising our children with the excuses and justification now, will mean they’ll become adults that excuse & justify the behaviour. They may not act on it, but that is their view regardless. They will support friends who perpetrate simply because ‘she asked for it’, when really you should be hoping they’d walk away from friends like that.
Stop taking my words out of context & look at the big picture. If a girl is attacked by your sons best friend, or even a random in the street, who would you want your son supporting. The man who hurt her (she did wear a shirt skirt after all), or the woman who’ll be traumatised for life.
In your opinion men who rape women shouldn’t be charged as long as she looked like she was asking for it. They should only be held accountable if the woman wasn’t asking for it...
We never ask to be raped, assaulted or killed.
You haven't understood anything you've read.
What the actual eff am i reading? How do you even know that this woman did any of this in front of her son? And I don't think it's your exes mother lol.
Except that my ex’s mother had this EXACT attitude. I’m sure she didn’t plan on raising a narcissistic jerk either, but she did.
She also had people around her with the same attitude. So when he grew up, his friends & family all looked for excuses, because he’s a ‘good guy’.
So he does it again & again, because no one holds him accountable for his actions.
I never at any point said ‘your child will abuse, rape & murder’. My words were that your child will also grow up justifying abuse, rape & murder, just as you are right now by saying ‘she asked for it’.
We need to stop being so ignorant.
A woman can walk down the street completely naked, at 11pm. That does not give anyone the right to touch her damn body! Saying she’s asking for it is giving someone permission to attack her! I don’t understand why this is such a hard concept to grasp?
Yes but people can change or differ to the way they are raised. I.e. are you different now from how you were raised? Because it seems like you are and you aren't like your mother. So pending the way we raise our kids doesn't mean they will turn out like us with our views.
No of course it doesn't give anyone the right, although yes it IS asking for attention. You're providing examples that aren't realistic to back up your argument though. That kind of shit SHOULD NOT happen, any person should not be walking down the street naked (and it's actually against the law mind you). It's not being ignorant either, it's being realistic. Of course no one has the right to touch our bodies, however we as women need to be smart about the way we present ourselves to society and the public in order to avoid the attention it may warrant. Looking is a natural reaction, acting upon it is also natural, but when someone doesn't want the physical side of it that is where it should stop and almost all men would. It's just a very few in the minority that wouldn't. We can't stop people from looking at someone or wanting to approach them. We'd live very miserable and side lies.
If it’s only such a small number of men who are like this, the why is it that so many women have a story of sexual harassment or assault?
1 in 5 women are sexually assaulted. 1 in 20 men are sexually assaulted.
That’s not a small minority of women. That’s a lot of women.
Because they're so damn sensitive. Now days, a comment about the way one looks can be classified as sexual assault.
What's hard to grasp is you insulting everyone who points out that everyone should be good to each other and that female victims aren't the only ones who count. You dismiss other victims and then accuse others of being accepting of awful behaviour. And when someone points out that you no matter how well someone has been raised, you can't eliminate psychotic conditions etc and should therefore be a bit sensible to minimise potential risk you scream about victim blaming which is crap. It's just recognising that the idea that no-one will ever hurt anyone again because of mental health is a fantasy. Maybe if you weren't so black and white and rude to other people who are making very valid points you would have more support.
I haven’t insulted anyone or been rude. If you’re offended you need to step back & read my words again. I’m pointing out the issues we currently have in society. I’m the one being told I need to see a psych & get help because I believe that the way our society treats women is unacceptable.
All I have done is state facts about the way we raise our children & how it could improve to improve society.
Why am I not allowed to want to change things? Why can’t I have my opinion without being attacked for it? Why can’t I want our daughters to have more respect? Why are women slamming me when all I’m trying to do is stand up for them?
Probably out of the ordinary however as a woman I actually feel quite offended that you’re trying to stand up for “us”. We’ve come so far in gaining our own independence and I can stand up for myself if need be. I think the whole banding together when someone is raped and murdered just takes away from that independence and doesn’t really prove we won’t tolerate it.
Yes of course they do, but you as a Mum should be teaching self respect and if she gets unwanted attention because of the way she dresses, that’s on you momma
Im not the op but as a dv survour ive taught me kids a fucken lot of things. Like RESPECT FOR ALL no matter what they look like where they come from. Ive taught them its not ok to judge people for what they look like but how they treat people. My husband and I show them first hand what love is. Maybe you should start teaching your son the same. Noone ever asks to be raped or to be a victim of dv, no matter how they dress, what they post on social media, or how they act.
Thanks for your advice, however I do teach my son what love is and he has never felt unloved by any means. If you genuinely think someone can't show love based on my views, you definitely need to seek some mental help!
Im sure you do love your son but you seem to lack a great deal of empathy, which in turn is exactly what you will teach your son, making his future relationships with women difficult. What we show our kids now is what they will be like as adults. And you through your lack of empathy and obvisious lack of understanding are teaching your son its ok because a woman may have asked for it. You are setting your son up for failure. I feel sorry for any woman who has a relationship with him. And that is on you.