*Edited to add* I just remembered an important point - I was SIX when I was slapped hard enough to leave a handprint by a boy. I was told he must like me. And that stuck with me.
Yes we need to teach our boys too, when I discuss the things we can change with our children, I use the term CHILDREN for a reason. But our boys aren’t growing up to be murdered every week.
1 in 5 women are victims of sexual assault.
1 in 20 men are victims of sexual assault.
BOTH have large numbers that go unreported.
95% of victims of violence in Australia report that the perpetrator was a man. 95% of male AND female victims report that the perpetrator was a man.
Violence is predominantly perpetrated by men. Against men and women. Those are the statistics. #whataboutmen #notallmen
Men are statistically violent. This does start with raising our boys!
At 8 my mother pointed out to me that a boy was ‘checking me out’
At 12 I became aware of adult men ‘checking me out’
At 14 my father got angry at me for what I was wearing
At 14 I had a 26 year old man drive by, then stop to try talk to me and hold my hand
At 14 I walked through a crowd and an adult male put his hand up my shorts & grabbed my butt
At 14 I started to hide my body
At 15 I heard about a friends mother being assaulted by her partner. I heard ‘well she must’ve...’ and ‘she shouldn’t have’
At 16 a guy who liked me showed me by grabbing my breast in a dark lane while walking
At 16 I met my ex husband
At 17 my mother told me that keeping my man was my responsibility
At 17 I was raped
At 17 my partner blamed me
At 18 he decided it was his right to also help himself to my body, and get physically violent when I said no
At 18 I had been raised to keep my man happy
At 21 he cheated
At 21 I was told that a man only cheats if he isn’t getting enough at home
At 26 I learned that I’d been living with physical, mental, emotional, sexual, financial, and social abuse since 17
At 28 I removed myself from that life
At 34 I wish I’d been given the tools to know different at 8, 12, 14...
At 34 I still hear ‘why didn’t she leave’ ‘why did she allow it’ ‘you are treated how you allow someone to treat you’ ‘why did she get married’ ‘why did she have children’ ‘why did she’ ‘why didn’t she’
There is only one question. ‘Why did he’
When your friends husband cheats, do not allow your kids to hear ‘she didn’t give enough’
When you hear of domestic violence, do not allow your children to hear ‘why did she stay’ ‘what did she do’ ‘what didn’t she do’ ‘he wouldn’t have if she didn’t...’
Raising YOUR sons to respect women starts now, at 2, 4, 6. If he wants to hug a girl at 4, you think it’s cute, but the girl doesn’t want it, then SHE DOESNT WANT IT. Set the boundary.
When you’re tickling your child and they laugh & say stop, STOP. They then realise you respect their right to say stop, they will then respect others rights to say stop.
When another adult wants a hug, and your child doesn’t want that hug, DONT ALLOW IT. Your child will understand that they aren’t being forced to accept touch they aren’t comfortable with, and won’t force touch others aren’t comfortable with.
When rape culture starts with your sons in school (2 six year old boys had a pre schooler in tears after repeatedly lifting her skirt and laughing) STOP IT! It’s not harmless fun! It’s setting a standard!
When a girl doesn’t want to go out with your son she’s not a cow. She has a right to not be interested, no matter how great your child might be.
Talking about women at any age, in any situation (locker room talk), in a degrading way is rape culture. It’s accepting that women are less. You may not participate in the discussion, but you allow it. It doesn’t matter if you’re male or female. If you don’t stand up, you are allowing it, and that makes YOU part of the problem.
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No. It’s not. That is on the person who took it upon themselves to push that unwanted attention onto my daughter.
It’s ok to give attention. When that attention isn’t reciprocated, accept it and move on.
Self respect is how you conduct yourself, and how you care for yourself in every aspect of life.
You can wear whatever you please & still have self respect.
It sounds like you’ve come from a family that lacked education in terms of these issues and thus you’re holding onto a lot of anger due to your negative experience.
Rest assured, most families aren’t as terrible as yours and actually teach morals. Learn from the experiences and ensure you teach your children to have respect and understanding unlike your mother did.
Gone are the days of doing things to please your man, although it would be interesting to know the statistics from say the 50s or 60s for rape and murder - just as something to compare to!
I know most families aren’t like mine. But it still happens.
The blame of abusive men still gets put onto women.
Attackers still aren’t 100% accountable for their actions & the person attacked is always questioned & told of ways they could have avoided the situation.
There are so many people who don’t understand that their small children are already learning. Calling a 4 year old grumpy because she doesn’t want a hug from another 4 year old isn’t ok. The child is just allowed to not want to be touched. That is a lesson that has nothing to do with my family, and everything to do with how we are raising our children now.
Exactly!!! This shit happens in every family, you’re just tuned into it now because of your upbringing, it happens in every home, in every school yard...
How naïve! All you have to do is read the misogynistic attitudes on this page!
Oh and one woman is killed every week in Australia thanks to men.
Op i would just like to say I agree with your sentiment. There is still such a large issue surrounding expectations of women to not be a distraction, to not ask for attention, to consider their actions and take evasive action to be safe. No most men dont feel think and act the way women do about their safety and that is a problem. Its still very much a mans world and that does need to be addressed.
Thank you
I totatlly get what you are saying. It comes down to the attitudes and actions we as parents show our kids. I left a dv situation and my number 1 reason was I wanted to show my kids that that is not love. Raising a hand (lets face it it happens more to women than men, im not saying it doesnt happen to men but statisically women have the higher abused rate) to a woman in anger is not love.
Noone ever asks to be in a dv relationship but often the self esteem of the woman is at an all time low by the time the first hit comes. By then the emotional and mental abuse has left women feeling they have no other option but to stay.
Parents need to teach there sons that no matter what the girl says/does/acts/dress he has no right to touch her whether it be in anger or in a unsolisited sexual way.
No woman (or man to be pc) asks to be raped. Saying "she asked for it because she dressed like a slut" is ultimately giving the man a free pass and not holding his actions accountable. Teach your sons its not ok.
We also need to teach our daughters that confidence come from the inside not by wearing revealing clothes. (If they have the confence in themselves and want to dress that way than that needs to be respected by men and judgemental women. )We need to teach them what true love is. He didnt hit you because he loves you it was your fault you made him mad and he is sorry.
We need to teach ALL kids respect regardless of a persons appearance, background, wealth, sexual preference, intellect or sporting ability. The cycle of abuse can start to stop/slow first with what we say and do around our kids.
Thank you. This is the point that I was trying to make.
Violence is an issue for everyone. Mental health is an issue as well. But the incidence of violence against women, perpetrated by men is way to high to keep making excuses.
If we don’t change the way we raise our children, from a young age, we’ll never change the way we treat each other.
While sexual abuse against women is 4 times more likely than it is for men, why can’t we bring attention to that specific issue without everyone jumping on the notallmen bandwagon? Why can’t we want our women to be as safe as our men?
We know it’s not all men. We know there are many men who don’t tolerate the behaviour. But too many turn a blind eye. Too many laugh along, even though they don’t agree, too many walk past, too many say ‘but he’s a great guy’.
Yes, you have a right to be angry. Yes. Say it like it is. It's fucked. I'm so glad you are calling it out from your experience. Your courage and bravery to share your expense will help other women. We have a choice to hear this and take action or to make excuses for our culture. You will see lots of backlash when you speak like this. Don't worry about it. It means your words are having an effect. Pale (women and men) can find it worrying so they reject these ideas. You don't have to answer those who have old fashioned, highly conservative fears about change and who defend male privilege. Stick with people who support you. Find a channel for your anger so you can contribute your real life experience to wider social change. And take care of yourself. Go girl! You are awesome. Sending hugs and strength sister. It's changing. So so many good people, women and men are trying to do something to reject gender stereotyping and increase acceptance of supportive, mutual, respectful relationships. We can do it together one day at a time! I loved hearing your voice. Xx
I’m actually in tears. Thank you. I really appreciate it.
People can complain & reject it all they like, but they’re reading it. They’re processing it. They might fight their own personal views, but next time they hear it they might question it. They might think about this before they victim blame next time. They might stop before they say the wrong thing to their child next time.
The little things might turn into big things.
Look, I agree with the sentiment, I disagree with some of the points you made.
Victim blaming needs to stop - that is indisputable. However, in light of a tragedy it's not unwise to remind people to be safe, men and women alike, because there are always going to be opportunistic predators out there.
Blaming and laying all this responsibility on parents needs to stop - at some point we all become free thinking adults capable of making good or bad choices and establishing our own moral compass. Yes we should be teaching our kids respect but blaming or saying a parent is part of the problem is kind of victim blaming too!
We also need to stop blaming men as a whole - it's not helpful! Yes toxic masculinity is something we as a society need to stamp out but it's not only women this type of behavior is affecting, I've known a few men who haven't reported workplace sexual harassment out of fear of being mocked, because you know, men are supposed to enjoy any sexual attention even if it's unwanted...
The only person/people who should be getting blamed and held accountable is the perpetrator of the crime.
What we need to do is advocate for mental health awareness, particularly in men because it is a driving force in violent behavior and domestic violence/abuse. Even in 2018, mental health is still something that has a stigma attached to it and is still massively misunderstood. Not to mention there's a huge lack of services available in the mental health sector.
We also need to be protesting for a better justice system, we need to push for violent re-offenders to be not released into the general public and we need to push for harsher penalties for people who commit violent or sexual crimes.
Playing the blame game only causes a bigger divide and takes away from the real issues. I don't know if this will ever not be something we have to face but I do know laying blame where it doesn't belong is what actually is part of the problem!
However you look at it, the culture of violence starts in the home.
*disclaimer - not all parents
When parents get frustrated, they smack. They are showing that lashing out in frustration and anger is what happens, and it’s ok, as long as the child did the wrong thing.
Raising a child to accept a hug from ‘uncle jim’ or ‘Aunty anna’ whether they like it or not, teaches that they are to give up the rights to their body when it’s expected of them (boys and girls)
When your young child wants to hold hands with another child, or another child wants to hold hands with yours, allow them to say no, without saying ‘s/he’s just grumpy today’. No, the child is exercising their right to not have their body touched, and that’s ok.
You don’t have to do these things to perpetuate the culture that surrounds male violence. If you don’t do any of these things, but you don’t have open conversations about why violence & degradation isn’t ok, then your child goes through the teen years hearing the things said, they will learn from it. No one has told them that this is not ok.
Yes, we all grow into free thinking adults who make the wrong decisions at times. But no matter what that wrong decision is, it’s my job to do my best to ensure I give my kids the tools to understand the repercussions of their actions. That’s what parenting is.
Mental health awareness also starts in the home. Most people show signs of mental health issues during their teen years. Know your kids, talk to your kids, help your kids. I know a lot of people who suffer from mental health issues, including myself, but aren’t violent people.
We are instilling the tools in our children that will stay with them for the rest of their lives. We want to give them the tools to protect themselves and those around them.
So why not accept that violence amongst men is a cultural thing that needs to change, and help give them the tools to change it.
Why can’t we push for the culture to change? Read through some of the posts here from women?
A teen posting a photo of herself in a bikini on social media is asking for it.
A 12 year old being checked out by an adult is acceptable because so many 12 year olds look older.
Women are too sensitive, all you have to do is look at them the wrong way & they’ll report you.
Women cry rape out of regret.
If women dress like hookers, they’re inviting unwanted attention.
Women claim domestic violence when it’s not.
These posts are from women. This is how we see each other. This is how we talk about each other. When we do this, we are making excuses to, & for men to continue their behaviour.
None of our issues will change until we accept that there’s an issue & change the way we view violence, and the way we view girls and women.
I don't disagree that attitudes need to change, some of the comments here are fucking ridiculous.
I also know there are men that feel women are inferior or lesser beings and I accept that it's a problem.
What I don't accept is that ALL men should be held accountable or blamed for the actions and beliefs of others. We don't hold entire ethnicities accountable for acts of terrorism, well some people do but most of us know that's not reasonable!
I do also understand that these lessons start in the home, I'd like to think most people are raising their kids to know right from wrong and encouraging bodily autonomy but it comes down to the whole nature Vs nurture theory - not every rapist, murderer or man who plays fast and loose with the concept of consent will come from a dysfunctional home, many come from good loving homes with parents who tried to instill good morals into their kids.
It brings me back to my point about parents not to be blamed - it's just another way for the perpetrator to not be held entirely accountable for their actions, to say that kids who aren't taught better will grow up to have these attitudes/commit sexual or violent crimes is an excuse in itself, is it not?
I'm not saying that things don't need to change but as I said, laying blame where it doesn't belong and making generalisations won't achieve anything - it just gets people's backs up!
Ok, so I know it’s not all men. It’s not all parents. It’s not all... I know.
But it’s a very wide spread problem. Why can’t we all take responsibility? Why can’t we all discuss this issue?
Why can’t this be seen as less acceptable as it is?
Why can’t I put my story out there so that people can see the damage that the little things did?
Why can’t I put tips out there for people to think about next time they do, or say something around their child that they shouldn’t?
Why can’t I bring attention to it?
Someone you know may be suffering domestic violence - don’t say it’s not happening, we are good at hiding it - but if the person being abused hears just one comment about how ‘she asked for it’, that will hold her back from seeking help, from leaving, from admitting what’s really going on behind closed doors.
If we open our eyes to those around us, we’ll save lives.
We are enraged over a woman being attacked by a stranger, but women survive attacks like this every day in their own homes. Women die every week from attacks like this in their own homes. Yet we still shame & disclaim domestic violence sufferers.
What’s the harm in sending out someone’s real life experience in the hopes to change? If this makes one person think twice the next time they discredit someone being abused, if this helps one person who’s being abused see that yes, they are damaged but they can survive & escape from the cycle of abuse, then that’s one person I’ve helped, and that’s the only reason I put this out there. If this helps one parent to recognise their damaging words, that’s one family who becomes aware & also possibly changes the cycle.
Putting our heads in the sand & ignoring the culture surrounding A LOT of men’s attitudes towards women won’t change anything at all.
Just remember starting the conversation is really important. Engaging these people in the conversation is important. There isnt one solution and it definitely isnt simple.
So sorry that shit happened to you but so bloody well said!!!
Misogyny is subtle and it’s insidious.... watch the excusers and victim blamers, and yes, it’s women’s voices perpetuating this crap too